What to Say: Coming Out - Sexuality
Support your loved one when they share their sexual identity with you
Support your loved one when they share their sexual identity with you.
Nathaniel Glanzman
Reviewer URLSupport your loved one when they share their sexual identity with you
What we'll cover
Coming out regarding your sexuality can be empowering for many people, but the process can also be exhausting, risky and anxiety-inducing.
In this "What to Say" guide, we'll talk about what coming out is and why it matters to so many people who are not heterosexual. We'll also let you know what to say to someone who’s disclosed their sexuality to you and what to avoid when trying to support them.
What it is
Coming out about one’s sexuality is a deeply personal and complicated process for many queer, lesbian, gay and bisexual people (for more information about gender identity, read our “What to Say” guide).
In terms of sexuality, the expression “coming out” or “coming out of the closet” is used to describe someone’s decision to disclose their non-heterosexual identity to others. This process is something an individual chooses to do freely; there is a huge difference between someone choosing to be out or being forcibly or non-consensually outed by others. You should never pressure someone to come out to you or speculate on someone else’s sexuality with others.
Facing discrimination
Despite the strides queer people have made in mainstream representation, marriage equality and civil rights, coming out remains extremely risky for most people. A 2020 study published by the Center for American Progress found that more than one in three LGBTQ+ Americans faced discrimination of some kind in the past year— and more than half of LGBTQ+ Americans hide their personal relationships in order to avoid discrimination. For LGBTQ+ adults, coming out may mean losing standing in their community or religion, or security with their jobs or housing.
Homophobic discrimination starts young for many, and the Trevor Project reports that 36% of LGBTQ+ youth aged 13-24 reported being physically threatened or harmed due to their sexual orientation or gender identity. Despite this, coming out about one’s sexuality can also be an extremely affirming, joyful process for some folks. For some, coming out is an important right of passage, signaling they are ready to engage with their wider community, attend public or private events and pursue relationships openly. It can also just be empowering, even if the person’s life doesn’t seem to change much externally.
Regardless of how someone experiences their coming out, you should take the disclosure seriously and consider your responsibility to support, respect and honor your loved one.
What not to say
Coming out doesn’t have any set script— you may be informed via phone call, text, email, letter or during a more formal sit-down conversation. The most important thing to do is let the other person lead the conversation and refrain from interjecting your own emotions, opinions or judgment values into the conversation.
The following are examples of things to avoid saying when speaking with your loved one during their coming out.
"I always knew you were gay."
Why it doesn't work: This conversation isn’t about you. It’s about your loved one. It is their decision to live as an out person and disclose information on their own terms and at their own pace. Stating that “you always knew” can undercut your loved one’s agency and the power of disclosure. Additionally, this phrase can make someone feel like their sexuality was a topic of speculation or gossip.
"Why were you hiding this?"
Why it doesn't work: Avoid sentences that make someone feel guilty or dishonest. People aren’t lying about their sexuality when others incorrectly assume they are straight. The process of coming to terms with one’s queer identity often happens slowly and can be a very internal process. Respect the other person’s timeline and right to privacy.
"It doesn’t matter."
Why it doesn't work: Coming out does matter. Research published in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine found that lesbians, gay men and bisexual people have lower stress levels and fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression after coming out. You may not see the value of coming out, but for some queer people, the process can transform their mental health and wellbeing.
"I don’t care who you love."
Why it doesn't work: You may mean well with this phrase, but being dismissive or offhanded about an important disclosure isn’t the same thing as offering genuine support. This sentence can come across as dismissive of your loved one’s journey to self-acceptance and the courage it takes to live as an out queer person.
"What about your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend?"
Why it doesn't work: Someone’s previous dating history does not define their sexuality. Many queer people, especially when they are younger or still exploring their sexuality, end up in heterosexual relationships. Their previous partners are irrelevant to their sexuality—the focus should be on the present disclosure, not their prior partners.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that you have a better understanding of why coming out is important and what phrases to avoid, here are some affirming phrases you might use.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"Thank you so much for telling me."
Why it works: Thanking someone shows that you see their disclosure as a gift—they value your relationship and want to stay in your life. This phrase can act as a neutral, affirming response when you’re not sure what else to say, or as an indicator of active listening.
"How can I support you?"
Why it works: Allow the focus to remain on your loved one. You may feel surprised or confused, but you can deal with those feelings in a private, appropriate setting. By asking how you can support your loved one, you can learn what they need in the moment and what role you can play in making them feel safe and confident.
"How private should I keep this information?"
Why it works: Some people may be out to close friends and family members, but not in other settings, like at work or with extended family or casual friends. Never assume that because your loved one came out to you that they are comfortable with that information being common knowledge. Always ask for consent before mentioning their sexuality or coming out to anyone else.
"I want to be part of your life."
Why it works: Rejection—or the threat of disownment—is a very scary, realistic possibility for those who are coming out. With this phrase, you provide assurances that not only is rejection off the table, but you want to actively show up for your loved one.
How to recover
If you say the wrong thing and unintentionally hurt your loved one, pause the conversation and check in with them. Ask something like, “I can see that I may have just hurt you. Can we take a moment to resolve this?” Once you understand how you hurt your loved one, take responsibility and apologize. Then, ask if you can continue the conversation with a phrase like, “I want to support you right now. Can we try again?”
Your loved one may or may not want to continue the conversation, but whatever their decision, respect it with grace and compassion. Let them know that you regret what you said or did and that you are available for support when they are ready.
Other suggestions
While the focus should be on your loved one, you’re also allowed to have your own feelings about their coming out. Confusion or surprise are both normal responses, but you should tend to those feelings without burdening your loved one.
If you need to work through your feelings, you can lean on a therapist who focuses on the queer community. If you need more education, read books on coming out or articles explaining what different labels mean. This should be work you do on your own. Your loved one may suggest a book or resource for you, but it’s not their responsibility to take care of your emotional needs.
You should also remember that people change, adapt and update the words they use to define themselves. Stay open to these updates and give your loved one the room to grow and explore.