What to Say: Depression
Depression can affect a loved one mentally and physically. Offer your support as they face this mental health challenge.
Depression can affect a loved one mentally and physically.
Renee Harleston
Reviewer URLDepression can affect a loved one mentally and physically.
What we'll cover
Depression can be a temporary state or an ongoing mental health challenge for an individual. Someone who has depression might struggle with nearly every aspect of their life, including their physical health, relationships and sleep habits.
In this "What to Say" guide, we will cover what depression is and the impact it can have on someone’s life. We’ll also let you know what to say and what not to say to someone who is experiencing depression.
What it is
A depression diagnosis is different from just having bad days or fluctuating moods as a part of life. According to the World Health Organization, an estimated 280 million people experience depression around the world.
Depression is a type of mood disorder that affects how someone feels, thinks and acts. The symptoms can range from mild to severe and to receive a diagnosis of depression, a person must have symptoms for at least two weeks.
Depression's impact
Depression can affect nearly every aspect of a person’s life. They might overeat or not feel hungry and could gain or lose weight. Depression can also cause headaches, digestive issues, or aches and pains.
People experiencing depression may not have the energy or motivation to see friends and might push others away. According to research in the Journal of Affective Disorders, depression may cause more negative communication with a partner or spouse and fewer positive encounters with others compared to those without depression or other mental health disorders.
Mentally, someone with depression may feel sadness, hopelessness or even guilt over how they feel. They may no longer have an interest in hobbies or activities they previously used to enjoy. At its most severe, people with depression may have thoughts of harming themselves or attempting suicide.
What not to say
Depression can be difficult to experience and affects everyone differently. Listen to the feelings and challenges of the person experiencing depression. The following are examples of things to avoid when speaking with your friend or loved one.
"You don't seem sad."
Why it doesn't work: Just because your friend doesn’t physically appear to have depression doesn’t mean they are not struggling. Sometimes, people hide what they’re feeling or try to appear happy on the outside. They might feel embarrassed, confused or guilty about their feelings.
"Snap out of it."
Why it doesn't work: These kinds of statements are platitudes, which have been said so often that they’ve become a cliche. Trying to overload someone with comments to cheer them up can cause guilt or shame. Your friend may feel helpless because they are unable to change how they feel. Instead, take them at their word, understand they may be struggling and offer words of encouragement instead like, “You’re doing the best you can.”
"Try this supplement."
Why it doesn't work: Treatment for depression is multifaceted and may include factoring in your loved one’s other health conditions. While certain supplements may have helped someone else you know, it doesn’t mean it will help your friend — nor may they be safe for your friend to take. Oftentimes, people with depression need to take medications, receive therapy or both. Your friend should work with their healthcare provider on a treatment plan.
"It could be worse."
Why it doesn't work: It can be tempting to try and compare your friend’s experience to someone else’s challenges. But when talking to someone experiencing depression, remember that their experience is their own. They are allowed to feel what they feel. Your friend doesn’t need to justify their diagnosis.
"Everything will be OK."
Why it doesn't work: This statement might seem helpful and encouraging, but it’s not a considerate solution. In some cases, people continue to struggle with a depression diagnosis for years. While your intentions are good, there are better, more constructive things you can say that don’t diminish your friend or loved one’s feelings right now.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
It can be hard to find the right words, but there are important things you can say to and do for a loved one with depression to show you care and that you’re there for them.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"You're not alone."
Why it works: While your friend may feel alone in their struggle, depression is quite common. Many people don’t ever speak up and get help. Even if you don’t have depression yourself, let them know you’re there for them, even if you don’t know what they’re going through. If you do have depression as well, you may share your own experiences, but try to keep the focus on them.
"How are you coping with this?"
Why it works: This shows you recognize that they may be going through something tough. It’s helpful to remind them you’re there, you see them, and you’re ready to help out with whatever they may need. Plus, it can help your friend to open up and talk about their depression in a more neutral way.
How to recover
Of course, even the most empathetic people can still make a mistake when talking to a friend experiencing depression. Don’t beat yourself up if you have found you said the wrong thing. If you find you’ve hurt someone because of something you said, acknowledge it and apologize. See our articles on “What to Say: Apologies” and “How to Be a Better Listener” for additional tips.
Other suggestions
There are plenty of other ways to support your friend besides knowing what or what not to say. Just letting them know you’re available if they need you, either to talk or help out in a more tangible way, can mean the world to them.
Ask your friend to join you the next time you take a walk out in nature. Bring them a meal or drop off a coffee or tea to their home. You may even bring them a small care package of their favorite snacks, a magazine, and some self-care items such as bubble bath or a scented candle.