What to Say: Discrimination
Learn how to support others experiencing this, unfortunately, everyday occurrence.
Learn how to support others experiencing this, unfortunately, everyday occurrence.
Nathaniel Glanzman
Reviewer URLLearn how to support others experiencing this everyday occurrence.
What we’ll cover
Discrimination can occur in a variety of settings—from the workplace to a retail store to one’s neighborhood—and at different levels of aggression. In every case, it is always shocking and upsetting. Unfortunately, acts of discrimination have increased in today’s society, especially against people of color and the LGBTQ+ community.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll talk about how to best comfort or support someone who has experienced or is experiencing discrimination.
What it is
Defined by the American Psychological Association as “the unfair or prejudicial treatment of people and groups based on characteristics such as race, gender, age, or sexual orientation,” discrimination can impact one’s professional and personal life in myriad ways. For instance, according to the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, a nonprofit focused on improving the health and wellbeing of all Americans, 45% of Black Americans have experienced prejudice when trying to find housing, 41% of women encounter obstacles in terms of higher pay and promotion, and 34% of LGBTQ+ individuals have been harassed doing something as basic as using the restroom.
Emotional effects
The impacts of discrimination affect individual well-being as well. In fact, this is so severe that it has been labeled a public health issue, with publications such as the journal JAMA Psychiatry reporting a significant increase in depression among Asians, Pacific Islanders and Hispanic/Latino Americans that coincide with the rise of acts of discrimination.
In addition to depression, those who face discrimination may also experience anxiety and feelings of being gaslit. They may grow to question the logic of their perspective and feelings. All of these can impact their relationships and physical health. This is why it is so important to remain mindful when supporting or comforting someone you care about who is feeling discriminated against.
What not to say
Discrimination is a sensitive subject, which makes it important to know what is and isn’t appropriate to say. The following are lines of response you should avoid if you want to comfort a loved one who’s experiencing discrimination.
“Are you sure this was a case of discrimination? Maybe you’re just being sensitive.”
Why it doesn’t work: Oftentimes, identifying discrimination can be a gray area, and it’s one that is uncomfortable to sit in as it can be more of a general feeling than an obvious offense. It’s difficult to even acknowledge the likelihood of being discriminated against. By questioning your loved one’s instincts, you can create even more uncertainty and mental discomfort. This type of statement can also be a form of gaslighting, even if it’s inadvertent. It is not up to anyone else to tell a marginalized person what is and is not discrimination. You can be of better help through better listening practices and validation of their feelings.
“They didn’t mean it like that.”
Why it doesn't work: Other similar responses include, “They’re from a different time” or “They’re actually a really nice person.” Regardless of how it was meant, the upsetting act or statement did still happen. This kind of response excuses the perpetrator of the discrimination and lets them off the hook for accountability. Being a nice person doesn’t exclude one from a faux pas or missteps that are subconscious or ingrained.
“Well, these things happen. You’ll have to try to get over it.”
Why it doesn't work: Accepting discrimination as a way of the world is a huge part of the problem. By putting the onus on the person who has been discriminated against and asking them to take the high road, you are telling them that there is no hope that things will get better and that they should resign themselves to continuing to experience discrimination. That is not OK.
“They’re just ignorant.”
Why it doesn't work: While you may mean well by dismissing the perpetrator themselves as inconsequential, what just happened to your loved one is not inconsequential. By brushing off the source of the discrimination, you’re actually minimizing the feelings of the person who has experienced it and asking them to just let it go. This response also feels like a conversation-ender and that you are unwilling to talk about it any further.
“You should confront them.”
Why it doesn't work: While this may seem like good advice, the heightened feelings of hurt can escalate the situation beyond constructiveness, especially since your loved one will more likely be accusatory in the heat of the moment. Confronting a discriminatory person can be dangerous—potentially life threatening—and encouraging this kind of encounter is not helpful.
“Don’t even let them occupy that space in your mind.”
Why it doesn't work: The sentiment is well-intended, positioning the person you care about as more noble and above the noise. But at the end of the day, none of us have control over our feelings and what bothers us.
“I understand how you feel. It’s like when…”
Why it doesn't work: Empathizing is a great way to relate to people going through tough times, but in cases like this, it’s better to sit back and listen. No instance of discrimination is the same as another. Comparing your experience to what your loved one has just experienced puts the focus on you, and you will end up taking over the narrative. Instead, allow them to unburden themselves to you and let them draw the comparisons.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
When someone opens up to you about encountering discrimination, it’s important to realize that they are trusting you to be an ally of their community. The best way to thank them for that trust is to listen carefully and show your support.
Note:These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“I’m so sorry that happened to you. Is there anything I can do?”
Why it doesn’t work: This statement shows sympathy, acknowledges the incident and establishes your stance as an ally. Even if they decide there is nothing you can do personally but listen, it shows that you care enough to offer to be a part of the solution.
“Would you like me to say something to them?”
Why it doesn't work: While this may not work in a professional setting, in a personal setting, it is often welcome. It is uncomfortable to acknowledge discrimination, and often, having a third party confirm it and act as an active ally brings more veracity to the claim when it comes to addressing the perpetrator. Plus, as an indirect party who is less partial to the situation, you are better situated to speak calmly to the person and help educate them on why what they said or did is not OK.
“If you want to talk to them about it, I’m happy to help you work out what you want to say.”
Why it doesn't work: This gently implies that you believe the person responsible should be held accountable for their actions or words, but tensions are still running high. It also shows that you are there as a source of support, but gives your loved one enough wiggle room that they do not feel pressured to address the perpetrator if they are unwilling or unable.
How to recover
If you've said the wrong thing to someone who has experienced discrimination, the best thing you can do is apologize sincerely and most importantly, give them space to air out their feelings. From there, you can try to actively learn more about how to be a better ally. There are many resources that explain terms like microaggression and how to identify it.
Other suggestions
If someone you care about is experiencing discrimination, it is often difficult to stand by and merely watch it happen. If you are affected by their plight and the vulnerable status of their community members, you may choose to donate to an anti-racist organization on their behalf to show your support. Another way you can show you care is to learn more about discrimination, microaggressions, and discriminatory tropes and stereotypes so that you are more aware of instances of discrimination and are able to say something when you see it. This helps you become part of breaking the cycle of accepted discriminatory societal behavior.