What to Say: Divorce
Divorce can be an emotional rollercoaster. Here’s what to say to offer your support.
Divorce can be an emotional rollercoaster. Offer your support.
Kashinda Carter
Reviewer URLDivorce can be an emotional rollercoaster. Offer your support.
What we'll cover
A divorce is a major life adjustment and can lead to stress, depression and anger. It doesn’t matter whether someone wanted the divorce or not—it will almost always stir up emotions one wasn’t anticipating. A couple that was once happy may no longer feel that way, and both parties must figure out how to move forward as a newly single person.
In this "What to Say" guide, you’ll learn how divorce is commonplace and how it affects families. We’ll also give you a guide for what to say—and what not to say—when your loved one is in the middle of a divorce.
What it is
Divorce is an emotional time for everyone involved, regardless of whether they wanted the divorce or not. It affects many aspects of someone’s life, from cooking and cleaning responsibilities to how often they see their kids (if they have them) and whether they need to sell their home.
However, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) stops short of calling divorce a traumatic event for adults, even though it can lead to extreme grief caused by unexpected life changes, financial challenges and possible custody battles if the couple has children. Not everyone agrees with the DSM’s assessment. Divorces can cause emotional pain for anyone, in varying degrees, depending on their experience and no matter their age—children included. According to a report in the journal World Psychiatry, trauma responses in kids after divorce include risky or disruptive behaviors, depression, academic struggles and an inability to cope with the situation.
It makes sense then that divorce is not only a struggle for childless couples, but for families with children as well. When you’re speaking with a loved one about their experience, it’s important to be emotionally available and ready to listen, even if you don’t have a full grasp on how it feels.
What not to say
A divorce is never something someone plans for—but it does happen. And regardless of whether your loved one is pleased to be getting a divorce or upset about it, they still had a marriage that’s worth acknowledging. Avoid the statements below when having a conversation about their split.
“I never liked them anyway.”
Why it doesn’t work: It doesn’t matter whether you liked someone’s spouse or not. Your loved one liked them enough to have a full relationship and marriage with them, and that’s the important part. Saying this makes the listener second-guess your honesty throughout their whole relationship. They may also question whether you’re truthful when you say you like their future partners.
"There are more fish in the sea."
Why it doesn't work: At a base level, we all know this is true. There’s always another person out there for somebody. But when your loved one is in the thick of their divorce, it may be painful to even think about seeing other people. They loved their spouse, and it didn’t work. Pointing this out can come across as invalidating your loved one’s feelings.
"There are two sides to every story."
Why it doesn't work: While it’s accurate that there are always two sides to every story, saying it right now is not helpful. Your loved one needs you to be there for them—and not to make it feel like they weren’t cognizant of their ex-spouse’s version of what happened. You may feel like you’re being supportive of both sides in the divorce, but your loved one needs your support for them, not for their former partner.
"I always really liked them."
Why it doesn't work: Saying you always liked them is not relevant at this point. Your loved one also really liked them. When you make this statement, it can make your loved one feel guilty for not being able to hang on to someone other people enjoyed. It can also make them wonder why someone so great didn’t like them enough to stay together.
"You can do better."
Why it doesn't work: When you say this, it runs the risk of making your loved one feel like they didn’t try hard enough or like they made a bad choice from the beginning. Marriage takes an extraordinary amount of work. That effort should be recognized instead of insinuating that the former spouse wasn’t actually worth the effort.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
These conversation starters will help you navigate your loved one’s emotional distress over their divorce from a place of compassion and helpfulness.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I’m sorry this is happening. Do you want to talk about it?"
Why it works: Divorces come with a lot of complicated emotions. When you say this, you’re showing sympathy and also leaving the door open for them to speak their truth about the situation. It also shows that it’s alright if they don’t want to talk—but you’re there if they need someone.
"Let’s go grab dinner. It’s on me."
Why it works: Someone’s surroundings can be triggering during a divorce. Either they’re stuck in a half-empty home or they’re in a temporary space away from their home. Offering to take your loved one out to dinner will allow them some space from that situation and, hopefully, take their mind off the emotional pain.
How to recover
If you’ve said the wrong thing, try not to stress about it. Just own up to what you said, apologize and try to do better. This means acknowledging why what you said was hurtful and making an effort to listen more carefully to what your loved one is saying about their situation. A good apology shows you care. Read our articles on ”What to Say: Apologies” and “How to Be a Better Listener” for more insight.
Other suggestions
Bring over something to eat. Your loved one was likely sharing cooking duties with their spouse before and may feel overwhelmed by the responsibility now. They may also not want to be reminded that they’re cooking for one instead of two. A single, ready-to-go meal can make a big difference in their stress level. Try to show up for other relationship-level tasks as well. Your loved one will need to go to court dates on top of dealing with an already exhausting situation. Take some responsibility off their shoulders by offering to walk the dog or pick up the kids from school if they have children.