What to Say: Elder Caregiving
As our parents age, so too do our relationships to them.
As our parents age, so too do our relationships to them.
Marcella Lopez
Reviewer URLAs our parents age, so too do our relationships to them.
What we'll cover
Due to high healthcare costs or familial obligations, many people eventually become caregivers for their aging parents. This may occur whether they initially planned to or not.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll cover why people become caregivers and how it can affect them emotionally. You’ll also learn about things you can say to support someone who is a caregiver for their aging parents.
What it is
As people age, they may naturally need more help getting through their daily life, especially when they have a chronic condition, like Alzheimer’s disease or heart failure. Whether it’s by choice or out of necessity, many people become caregivers for their aging parents.
People become caregivers for their parents for a variety of reasons, like parental preference to stay in their home and avoid care in an assisted living community, the costs of outside care, or out of feelings of love or obligation. And sometimes, people slip into a caregiving role without realizing it; taking out the trash and mowing the lawn may slowly become full-time care. A 2020 report conducted by AARP estimates that 41.8 million people in the United States are caregivers for people ages 50+.
Caregiving for aging parents can take many forms. Some aging parents live with their adult children and caregiving is a 24/7 job, while others check in and offer assistance as needed.
The effects of caregiving
Caring for an aging parent can be mentally, physically and emotionally difficult. Caregivers often feel stressed, isolated, depressed, angry and anxious. And in many cases, they feel conflicting emotions. They love their parents, yet find the caregiving role exhausting and difficult (especially if they are balancing work and childcare obligations at the same time). Providing care for one’s parent (or parents) can be especially difficult due to changing roles in the parent-child relationship and a parent’s declining health.
Caregiving can also be quite physically demanding. Some tasks of caregivers may include dressing, bathing, cooking, and completing household chores. Caregiving can have a financial impact as well, which creates additional stress. People caring for their aging parents often need to take time off from work, reduce their hours or even quit their jobs. There can be repeated travel involved as well if they don’t live very close to their aging parents.
What not to say
The demands of caregiving and everyday life can be a lot for caregivers. Some people have more positive feelings toward caregiving than others, so try to be in tune with your loved one so you can know how to help them best. Aim to avoid the following phrases when speaking to someone who is caring for their aging parents.
“Can’t someone else take care of your mom?”
Why it doesn’t work: It might feel helpful to try to find a solution to the caregiver’s stressful situation, but unsolicited help or advice isn’t usually welcome. Often, they have already considered all possible options, and this statement might make them feel like you think they’re not doing a good job or like there’s an easy alternative they may have missed. If you want to offer similar advice, consider volunteering to take their place for a day so they can have some time to relax.
"You’re a saint."
Why it doesn't work: Many people become caregivers because they don’t have any other option, and they might not know how they get through one day to the next either. Donna Betz, a caregiver for her mother who has Alzheimer’s disease, says, “This is my mother, and I’m not a saint. I’m her daughter. She’s my best friend.” While this phrase may seem like a compliment, it isn’t typically received very well.
"I wouldn’t want to be a burden to my kids."
Why it doesn't work: Although caregiving is hard, most people don’t see their parents as burdens, especially since they spent their whole lives taking care of their kids. “She cannot help the way she is … I have never once looked at my mom and thought she was a burden,” Betz says. When people don’t think of their parents as burdens, they usually don’t appreciate it when other people call them a burden.
"You should…”/“You shouldn’t…"
Why it doesn't work: Any phrase that starts with these words can sound judgmental. “It's particularly frustrating when people assume we don't know something obvious or haven't already tried what they're suggesting,” says caregiver Amy Goyer in an article for AARP. Instead, assume that they’re doing their best and consider one of the more uplifting phrases we suggest below.
"Let me know how I can help."
Why it doesn't work: Although this comes from a good place, this phrase doesn’t usually lead to action, and it requires the caregiver to seek you out when they need help. “It's always nice to offer help, but caregivers often are so overwhelmed and exhausted that it's hard to think of things for you to do or guess what you'd be willing or have the time to do,” Goyer writes. Instead, consider cleaning the kitchen without asking or offering help at a specific time.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Saying the right thing to a caregiver makes them feel supported and seen. Here are some things you can say to support someone who is caring for their aging parents.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"If you want to vent or talk, I’m here to listen."
Why it works: Caregiving can be lonely, and few people understand what caregivers are going through. Offering a space for them to talk or vent free of judgment can feel refreshing, and it can lift a weight off their shoulders.
"I see how hard you’re working, and I appreciate what you’re doing."
Why it works: Taking care of an aging parent is often a thankless job, regardless of whether the caregiver does it because they want to or feel they need to. It’s encouraging for caregivers to feel seen and to know that their work matters. This is particularly helpful when the parent they are caring for can no longer express their thanks.
"Can I take care of your mom for you tomorrow?"
Why it works: Caregivers rarely get a break and can even experience symptoms of burnout. Giving them a break can help them come back the next day refreshed and renewed. Rather than saying something like “let me know if you need help,” offering a specific time to help ensures they’ll actually get a break.
How to recover
When we’re trying to support someone we love, we don’t always get it right. Despite your best intentions, you might say the wrong thing or inadvertently offend your loved one. If that happens, be sure to apologize. You can also reduce your risk of saying the wrong thing by working on becoming a better listener.
Other Suggestions
Caregiving for aging parents can be incredibly time-consuming, and the caregiver might miss out on quality time with other loved ones. Try not to make them feel guilty for this. Additionally, the CDC suggests supporting caregivers by helping them with errands or chores, checking in on them regularly, or providing respite care.