What to Say: Engagement
Congratulating a friend on an engagement may have nothing to do with a wedding.
Congratulate a friend on their engagement.
Congratulate a friend on their engagement.
What we'll cover
In the United States, engagements typically feature three components: a question, an answer, and an exchange. But whether your friend exchanged a diamond ring or a few heartfelt words, they've announced that they're prepared to tie the knot.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll dive into what engagement means and how to best respond to your friend's announcement.
What it is
Engagement, a betrothal period before marriage, has been a common cultural practice around the world for centuries. It is a time for couples to reflect on their relationship before they marry. Some couples may engage in counseling during this period and some officiants may require premarital counseling before marriage. For example, in the Catholic church, those seeking marriage are required to take classes (a six-month course referred to as Pre-Cana classes) in order to wed.
Marriage and family therapist Kevin Brody stresses that engagements aren't just a lead up to a wedding. It's a time to celebrate the couple. "One of the best things that you can do is don’t just ask questions about the wedding," Brody says. Weddings are a stressful event and can be a sore point. "The whirlwind begins and quickly it devolves into obligation planning and making other people happy related to your wedding," Brody says.
Brody recommends supportive friends focus on the couple and their feelings at the moment. "Ask your friend what their hopes and dreams are for the future, without asking for specifics," says Brody. "What are they excited about? Let them be excited, without filling in the gaps."
What not to say
Engagement is its own life-changing event, separate from marriage and dating. Treat the moment like the celebration it is! We'll help you avoid the pitfalls that can sour a happy day.
"When's the wedding?"/"Am I invited to the wedding?"
Why this doesn't work: This kind of question jumps over the joy of the engagement celebration and straight into the to-do list of wedding planning. Let the couple luxuriate in the current moment.
"When are you having babies?"
Why this doesn't work: This question can be insensitive. The couple may be dealing with fertility issues. The couple may not want children. The subject of children is a delicate issue and not the issue at hand (which is the engagement). Getting engaged is exciting enough! Don’t (consciously or unconsciously) project your own wants or needs onto the couple.
"Congratulations! And don't lose that ring. My god, I lost mine for a week and it was a nightmare!"
Why this doesn't work: It is good to congratulate your friends, but don't redirect. Focus on them. As Brody says, "You don’t need to tell your friend every bad thing that happened at your wedding, during your engagement. They don’t need it."
“Well, congrats. I have to say: I’m glad you didn't end up with your ex!”
Why this doesn’t work: Over the course of life, everyone dates a couple of stinkers. Now is not the time to bring it up. The person in front of you is happy in their current relationship. They’re making a major life change and inviting you to be part of it. Don’t misuse that trust by using your friend’s past against them or by bringing up relationships that weren’t right. Focus on the relationship that this person is referencing.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Reflect on the newly engaged as a unique partnership, rather than relying on cliched responses to an engagement announcement. We'll help you congratulate them on this life change instead of jumping over it.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"That's so exciting! How are you feeling?"
Why this works: These statements acknowledge the excitement of the event. Allow space for your friend to acknowledge a wide range of feelings. Open-ended questions allow your friend to genuinely express their emotions. Life changes, even happy ones, can create complicated emotional responses. This question leaves the door open for them all.
"Congratulations! What are you most excited about doing as an engaged couple?"
Why this works: “Congratulations” is always an appropriate reaction to an engagement announcement. An open-ended question that acknowledges the engagement as its own exciting event will be a breath of fresh air for your friend. A good conversation opener makes your friend reflect and respond.
How to recover
If you've said the wrong thing to an engaged couple, an apology may not be needed or warranted. It is a busy time. The couple has likely been subject to a series of socially acceptable (if insensitive) questions. The best way to recover is to avoid engaging in that behavior again.
This would be a good time to meditate on what you said and why. We've all felt the societal pressures to conform to a certain timeline of life events. In the future, you can let your friend tell you, instead, what their series of life events will look like.
Other suggestions
If a close friend has recently gotten engaged, they may host an engagement party. For couples to whom you are particularly close, a gift may be appreciated, even if the couple in question doesn’t have a party.
If the couple already lives together, houseware may not be wanted or needed. It is a good time to think deeply about the couple. Get your newly engaged friends a gift certificate to their favorite restaurant. For a couple that met in a baseball league, perhaps they'd love tickets to a game. If they always go camping, buy them a pass to the state park. Donate to the couple’s favorite charity on their behalf. The options are endless.