What to Say: Family Estrangement
When a friend or loved one loses familial support, they may need you now more than ever.
Those without familial support need you more than ever.
Renee Harleston
Reviewer URLThose without familial support need you more than ever.
What we'll cover
Family estrangement is the experience of one or more family members ceasing contact with another. People may do this for any number of reasons, and this estrangement can be permanent or cyclical. Family members may cycle in and out of your loved one’s life as they navigate the conflicts that led to the initial estrangement.
In this “What to Say” guide, we'll discuss the causes of family estrangement, how common it is and ways to support others experiencing it. We'll also highlight some conversation starters to avoid when discussing the topic with a loved one.
What it is
Family estrangement is more common, and fluid, than you might expect. Karl Pillemer, a professor at Weill Cornell Medicine, found that 27% of all adult Americans experienced disconnection from family.
Estrangement isn't an all-or-nothing situation. A study from the University of Cambridge reports many, especially those estranged from their mothers, rotate in and out of estrangement. According to the study, 65% of those estranged from their mothers report it is due to mismatched expectations. Family is a complicated subject and estrangement is no different.
According to Scientific American, adult children usually cut contact for one of three reasons: abuse, ongoing toxic behavior or feeling unsupported. The reasoning for cutting off contact may not always be clear to the one who was cut off. One study of mothers estranged from their children, published in the journal Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, indicated some mothers avoided looking internally, blaming external factors for the disconnection.
What not to say
Family estrangement is a complicated and fraught subject. It may feel awkward to broach. However, many find it helpful to talk with a close friend about their family situation. We’ll help you be that friend. Avoid saying the wrong thing, and we’ll navigate you towards the kind of openness that will facilitate a better conversation.
"I could never."
Why it doesn't work: What is unthinkable for you may be a matter of necessity for someone else. You cannot know what goes on in another person's family. Do not make assumptions or judgements.
"I'm sure you'll reconcile soon!"
Why it doesn't work: The desired outcome may not, in fact, be reconciliation. Don't focus on the imagined future and meet your friend where they are.
"What are you doing for the holidays? You know what, never mind."
Why it doesn't work: Avoidance is hurtful. Try not to dance around the subject. Avoiding the subject entirely may make your friend feel as if they’ve done something wrong or are defective. It may make the person feel as if their family estrangement makes them a problem in your eyes.
"She's your only mother. You're going to regret it."
Why it doesn't work: There is a stigma associated with family estrangement. Do not add to it. This wasn't a split-second decision and deserves to be treated with respect and gravity.
"Well, what happened?"
Why it doesn't work: Depending on your intimacy with the person experiencing estrangement, you may never be privy to the details. Focus on the person's feelings, rather than ferreting out their secrets.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Families are complicated, and a friend telling you they aren’t talking to theirs is even moreso. However, there are some ways to begin the conversation that will make your friend feel supported, heard, and listened to. These conversation starters will help you as you begin talking about what can be a taboo subject.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I'm so sorry that you're going through this."
Why it works: This validates the other person's experience. It doesn't downplay the seriousness of the situation. And it acknowledges the hurt your friend may be feeling.
"I know this must have been a really hard decision."
Why it works: Like the example above, this validates the other person. It also acknowledges how hard this must be for them. People do not choose estrangement on a whim.
"I was estranged from my parents. I know how hard it is."
Why it works: You don't want to immediately shift focus to yourself. But family estrangement is a taboo topic. If you've experienced it yourself or are experiencing it, it can be helpful to let the other person know.
How to recover
If you’ve started off on the wrong foot, it may be hard to recover. If you’ve stepped in it, apologize for what you said. But, more importantly, be there for your friend. In the future, if they open up about this subject, listen honestly and empathetically.
Other suggestions
Holidays are very difficult for those estranged from family, says the University of Cambridge. Your friend may no longer have a place to spend the holidays. Consider inviting them to take part in your family or friend activities.