What to Say: First Job
Support your loved one through those overwhelming first days on the job.
Support your loved one through those overwhelming first days on the job.
Support your loved one through those overwhelming first days on the job.
What we'll cover
People enter the workforce earlier than we may think, and “first job” can have many different meanings. No matter what age your loved one enters the workforce, things like starting work, moving to a new field or entering a career-track position can all be nerve-wracking.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll discuss the realities of first-time employment and what first-time employees may need from their loved ones. We’ll also discuss what to say and not say to support those who will begin their first job.
What it is
“First job” means different things to different people. Most “first jobs” occur for Americans while they are enrolled in high school. In July 2023, 55% of American youth (classified by the Bureau of Labor Statistics as people ages 16 to 24) were employed. Pay varies widely for those ages 25 to 34. In 2020, high school graduates working full time earned a median income of $38,300 a year, while those with a master’s degree or higher earned an average of $73,000 a year.
No matter what your first job looks like, moving into the workforce is a shift for most. Your loved one may feel overwhelmed by the stress of a new job. Reassure them. Many people feel this way. Support them taking the time they need to rest and recharge.
According to Future Forum, a consortium of business and consulting groups, burnout is on the rise for American workers, even those who just recently entered the workforce. Encourage your loved one to find a good work-life balance for themselves, even during the start of their career.
Unsolicited advice
Avoid offering unsolicited advice. Studies show people appreciate advice most from those they trust. But even from friends, people do not appreciate unsolicited advice.
According to a 2022 study on unsolicited advice in the workplace, people perceived unsolicited advice to be self-serving and were less likely to take it. On the other hand, asked-for advice was appreciated and taken to heart by recipients.
If you have valuable wisdom to impart on your loved one entering the workforce, be sure they ask you for it. This request will both bolster your relationship with your loved one and make sure your advice is heard in the spirit in which it was intended.
When your loved one is getting their first job, reassuring them and validating their experience is the best way to help them succeed.
What not to say
Getting a first job is overwhelming. Avoid downplaying the emotional and economic reality of your loved one’s new working life. Keep away from the following to be the best support you can be.
"When I was your age, I already had 19 jobs/was only earning $8 an hour/figured it out."
Why it doesn’t work: Being overwhelmed by a new job is real and the economic realities between when you began your working life and when your loved one is beginning theirs may be vast. Avoid comparisons that downplay your loved one’s concerns.
"I would never…"
Why it doesn't work: Although using “I-statements” (“I feel…”) is always a good idea, this kind of statement is often unsolicited advice in a different format. Unsolicited advice is rarely appreciated, even when cloaked in comparison. Rather than telling your loved one what you would or would not do, ask questions to find out why they made certain choices in their first job.
"You should…"
Why it doesn't work: Starting any statement with “you should” is a surefire way to give unsolicited advice. Again, ask questions to show your interest and create a space where your loved one can ask for help, seeing you as a trusted voice.
"You shouldn’t be so stressed! It is your first job!"
Why it doesn't work: According to a recent report from Future Forum, burnout is actually at its highest for workers under 30, who by and large lack the ability to create flexibility in their schedule. Helping your loved one find a good work-life balance is a great impulse.
Instead, phrase your concern in a different way. Saying, “I’m sorry you’re so stressed. What is stressing you out the most? Is there anything I can do to help you avoid burning out?” is a better way to get at the same central concern.
"You need to take time off at Easter/for your cousin’s baby shower/in the middle of June!"
Why it doesn't work: If you are a parental figure to the person starting their first job, it can be a hard adjustment for you as well as your loved one. It can be difficult to not want to step in and to expect your loved one to have the same time they did before they began their work life. But your loved one may not have the flexibility that they had in their pre-work days.
Keep in mind that their vacation time may be limited or non-existent. Their schedule may be fixed. Have some flexibility with yourself and your loved one. Don’t expect (or demand) that they have the time they once did for events and get-togethers. Support them by being cognizant of the new constraints on their time and attention.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
What to say
Getting a first job—no matter what that job is—can be exciting. Show your loved one kindness and unfailing support so they can come to you when they’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed or confused by the demands of professional life.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"Congratulations! Getting your first job is a big deal! Is there anything I can do to make your life a little easier as you adjust to your new schedule?"
Why it works: This conversation starter both acknowledges the joy of the moment and the work in the future. If you are secure in your own employment and not burnt out yourself, offering yourself as a resource for your loved one (especially if you live in close proximity) is a lovely thing to do. This conversation starter lets your loved one know you understand the realities of starting a first job.
"Congratulations! How are you feeling? Remember, I’ve been working for a while and I’m always here if you need a sounding board."
Why it works: Again, it is important to acknowledge the joy of the moment. But this conversation starter focuses on their feelings. How are they doing? What are they looking forward to? What are they fearful of? By asking them how they are doing, you’re letting them know you’re a good sounding board before you even verbally make that offer. Validate their feelings and address any concerns they may have. This kind of conversation starter opens the door for you to be a good source of professional advice, if you have it for them.
How to recover
If you’ve overstepped—by offering unsolicited advice or demanding time your loved one no longer has available—apologizing is always a good place to begin. By giving a heartfelt apology, your loved one will know you really thought about the hurt (even temporary) that you may have caused them. Then, in the future, listen actively. By listening, you’ll offer even better advice when you’re asked.
Other suggestions
When your loved one’s starting their new job, mark down their start date using the Thoughtful app. Create a reminder to buy them a gift or take them out to dinner in celebration of their first day.
If you live nearby, ask them what you can do best to support them in their first days on the job. Maybe their new schedule has overwhelmed them, leaving them no time to cook and they would love to eat a home-cooked meal with you. Maybe they’re feeling totally burnt out at the end of the week and just want someone to veg out on the couch with them. By asking them how you can support them, you can be assured that you’re providing them with the kind of care they need at this moment.