What to Say: Friendship Anniversary
A self-created celebration for a self-determined relationship type.
A self-created celebration for a self-determined relationship type.
A self-created celebration for a self-determined relationship type.
What we'll cover
The “friendship anniversary” or “friendiversary” can be more than just a social media post you share. It can also be a true celebration of one of life’s most unique relationships.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll discuss the nature of friendship anniversaries. We’ll also cover what to say and what not to say to someone celebrating one.
What it is
Friendship is truly one of a kind. Dr. Beverly Fehr, who pioneered studying friendship, said, “Everyone knows what friendship is – until asked to define it [...] There are virtually as many definitions of friendship as there are social scientists studying the topic.”
The uniqueness of friendship means people can celebrate it however they want. For many, this means a “friendship anniversary” or “friendiversary,” a day celebrating when people became friends. Friendship anniversaries have been celebrated by people since friendships began, but the concept took off in 2015, when Facebook rolled out its “friendship anniversary” feature globally.
Facebook’s feature created images commemorating the day you and another user became Facebook friends. Founded in 2004, Facebook was able to give users a broad overview of certain relationships, pulling from pictures and Facebook statuses between pals.
Considering friendships
Writing about the feature for The Atlantic, author Lauren Cassani Davis said, “At the very least, these anniversaries remind us to consider our friendships with more intention and perspective than we would otherwise.”
Megan B. Bartley, founding director of The Mindfulness Center, told us, “Things are going to be unique to a specific person or specific relationship… that’s defined by the people within that relationship.” The joy of the friendship anniversary is in the ability of the participants to create and define it.
Bartley warns, however, “If you miss the year, is that going to hurt the friendship?” Friends should be mindful to create a moment of celebration, rather than obligation.
But a friendship anniversary—whether friends remember the day they met or choose a day they love—can be a good way to memorialize a significant relationship. Suzy Fleming Leonard, who wrote about her own friendship anniversary for Florida Today, concludes, “There's a comfort in being with someone who knows your secrets and loves you anyway.”
Taking time to celebrate your friendship, to reflect on what makes your friendship special is always worth doing. By celebrating a friendship anniversary, friends create an important rite to bind them together.
What not to say
There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to friendships or how you celebrate them. If you’re talking to someone celebrating their anniversary with a friend, avoid these conversation starters.
“Isn’t that just a thing for social media?”
Why it doesn’t work: If your friend has indicated that they are celebrating a friendship anniversary, they have likely taken it beyond a simple post. However, no matter how someone wants to celebrate their friendship, that is up for the people in the friendship to decide. You do not need to cast judgment on how they choose to celebrate.
“That’s silly—you’re just friends.”
Why it doesn't work: Friendship is an important and significant relationship. It is certainly worth celebrating. Creating and celebrating milestones help humans to demarcate time and to remember what is important. By setting aside a day just for friendship, friends get to step outside the humdrum of the everyday into a specialized space where they can celebrate one another.
“I don’t need to ‘celebrate’ my friends. They know I appreciate them.”
Why it doesn't work: That’s great for you, but every relationship is different. Adding the structure of a holiday or anniversary may help keep certain friendships alive. It isn’t for you to judge how other people should commemorate their friendship.
“I think anniversaries are just for romantic relationships.”
Why it doesn't work: Friendship can be just as significant of a relationship as any other. Everyone chooses individually how to structure the importance of relationships in their life. Some relationships carry more weight than others. For some, certain friendships are significant and, to the people within them, worth celebrating.
“You celebrate Devin but not me?”
Why it doesn't work: Friendship anniversaries only work if all the people in friendship agree to, honor and engage in them. You can’t force someone to celebrate friendship in the way that you want them to. Instead, ask yourself what traditions can you create for you and your friend, rather than getting jealous of a tradition they have with another friend.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Friendship celebrations and commemorations come in many forms. If your loved one is celebrating a friendship anniversary and you know that, here are some things you can say to get the conversation going.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“How long have you and Jason been friends now? What are you guys doing to celebrate?”
Why it works: If someone is putting in the work to celebrate their friendship, they value that relationship. Learn more about their specific friendship. Ask about ways they are celebrating.
“I can’t believe you and Jason have been friends for so long! I’m so glad you guys have one another.”
Why it works: Friendship is a relationship all about mutuality. It is a relationship we choose. We choose who we are friends with, we choose how friendship looks, and when it begins and ends. This conversation starter lets your loved one know that you understand and appreciate the significance of the relationship.
How to recover
If you’ve said the wrong thing, apologize. But, more importantly, think about why you responded that way. Do you wish you set aside a time of celebration for friendships in your life? Do you discount friendships as a lesser relationship in your eyes than other relationships (i.e., romantic or familial)? Consider why you said what you did so you can avoid causing similar offense in the future.
Other suggestions
Not sure when you met your friend? Friendship anniversaries—like other self-created celebrations—can be pinned to whatever date is significant to you. Don’t get caught up in exact dates. If you want to celebrate your friendship, choose a time and type of celebration that is right for you, and choose to make a ritual for your friendship.