What to Say: Friendship Conflicts
Conflict is difficult and inevitable.
Conflict is difficult and inevitable.
Conflict is difficult and inevitable.
What we’ll cover
Conflict is difficult and inevitable. In this guide, we'll cover different types of friendship conflicts. We'll also discuss the unique challenges of adult friendships. Finally, we'll cover what not to say when in conflict with your friend and the best way to approach an argument.
What it is
Conflict resolution and intimacy are two competencies that determine high-quality friendships. Although academic study on conflict resolution for adults is usually relegated to the workplace, many adults need help resolving non-work conflicts. In her work on friendship, Dr. Miriam Kirmayer separates friendship conflict into three behaviors. There are conflicts of support (e.g., advice or emotional support-related conflicts). There are conflicts-of-interest (e.g., two friends in open disagreement). And friendship transgressions, "in which one friend violated one of the core expectations of friendship."
Kirmayer and her team determined friendship transgression conflicts were the hardest to define and resolve.
Struggles of adult friendships
Adult friendships require intentionality. Scheduling time for friendship, for example, isn't present in childhood and adolescent friendships. Additionally, third-party pressures, such as career concerns or family life, often come to bear on adult friendships.
And friendships change as people age. According to a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, friends between 18 - 29 "interact significantly more frequently" than all older age groups. As they get older, some may rely on their "romantic partner, rather than their friends, to meet core interpersonal needs." All of this may affect your ability to resolve conflict.
What not to say
Remember: conflict is still a conversation. Avoid making assumptions about the other person’s actions, thoughts and motivations. Ask for clarification when you need it, and allow the other person time and space to discuss their feelings.
"I'm furious."
Why this doesn't work: Don't begin the conversation when you're angry. Wait for your initial anger to pass before you talk to the other person. Think through what you want to say and your ideal outcome for this conversation. Then, choose a neutral place to discuss. By creating an ideal environment, you're creating circumstances for an ideal resolution.
"Well, you always do this."
Why this doesn't work: Using words like "always" and "never" is not helpful. Focus on the present moment and this current conflict. By introducing "all or nothing" phrases, you're opening up new avenues for argument.
"You should have XYZ."
Why this doesn't work: Rather than focusing on what the other person should have done, focus on your own feelings. For example, Denise is angry with Rachel for missing a planned dinner. When they discuss it, Denise can say, "When you didn't call to reschedule, it made me feel unimportant." This will get at the heart of the issue. Focus on your feelings, rather than on the actions of the other person.
"You're too sensitive."
Why this doesn't work: Diminishing the feelings of the other party will shut down conversation. These sorts of sentences will put the other person on the defensive.
"I understand exactly what happened and I hate it."
Why this doesn't work: Don't enter a conflict with preconceived notions. Allow the other person to clarify their understanding. Don't think that you know it all. A conflict is just a conversation with higher stakes.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that you know more about the types of conflicts that adult friends get into, and the unique issues these relationships face, you should have a better understanding of what to say. We’ve provided this section to help you start the conversation.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
1. "Can you say more on that?"
Why this works: Asking clarifying questions ensures that you understand what the other person is saying. It also tacitly acknowledges that you don't know everything.
2. "This is how I saw it."
Why this works: You acknowledge two people can have different experiences of the same event. By keeping the focus on your understanding, you give space for the other person's experience.
3. "When you X, it made me feel Y."
Why this works: You place the importance where it should be: on your feelings, rather than events. You're not judging the action. You're saying how the action made you feel.
4. "I'm glad we're having this conversation."
Why this works: You and your friend are still friends. Statements like this acknowledge that you're having a hard conversation, but have a good relationship nevertheless.
How to recover
Conflict cannot always be avoided. And, in the heat of the moment, it can be easy to say the wrong thing. If you have said the wrong thing, apologize. In the future, try to take a step back and get some emotional distance. Use healthy confrontation skills to discuss your issues.