What to Say: Friendship Miscommunication
Avoid assumptions and learn about conversational styles to prevent miscommunication.
Avoid assumptions and prevent miscommunication.
Avoid assumptions and prevent miscommunication.
What we'll cover
Miscommunication is more than a plot device used in your favorite sitcom. It is a thing that happens regularly, even between the closest of friends. In this “What to Say guide,” we’ll discuss the reasons behind miscommunication and skills you can develop to prevent it. We’ll also tell you what not to say to your friend who is experiencing a miscommunication and what you can say to help. Lastly, we’ll tell you how to recover from any faux pas and provide additional suggestions.
What it is
Miscommunication can begin before friends even talk. In a study of friendship reciprocity (if your friend thinks of you as a friend), more than half of the participants had a non-reciprocal friendship. This lack of reciprocity indicates a major miscommunication on the strength of a relationship.
Even in reciprocal friendships, miscommunication is fairly common. Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University and author of That’s Not What I Meant, argues many moments of miscommunication arise from differing conversational styles. In That’s Not What I Meant, Tannen outlines how even basic communication functions can differ between people. She sets up an example of taking turns in conversation. Some conversation partners, who find silence awkward, will try to make sure there are as few pauses as possible between conversational volleys. This can be considered rude to those who wait for a longer or more significant pause from a conversational partner before they take their turn speaking. Even at the most basic level, miscommunication is a distinct possibility.
Miscommunication
This potential for miscommunication can be even larger for those who do not have a shared cultural heritage. In her book, Tannen points out American business people who “get down to brass tacks” and eschew small talk can unknowingly limit their effectiveness with people from other countries for whom small talk may be a necessary building block for rapport. And even amongst Americans of different cultural milieu, miscommunication can arise.
It is important, when communicating, to be cognizant of your own conversational and communication styles. You may perceive your own communication style to be the “default” but your way of communicating can differ from those around you, even those closest to you. As Tannen notes, communication with those closest to us can become even more fraught as the layers of meaning behind phrasing and pitch differ.
One way to cut down on miscommunication is to engage in “active listening.” In this style of communication, a conversational partner may restate what they have heard (“I’m hearing…”), summarize what they’ve heard (“So, it sounds like you want these things to happen…”) and reflect back what their conversational partner is saying to them (“It seems to me that you are…”). This style of listening allows real-time clarification for communication partners. It also prevents one conversational partner from being overly reliant on indirect phrasing or unspoken conversational cues, many of which are the foundation for communication errors between people.
What not to say
Miscommunication happens to everyone. While helping your loved one sort out a miscommunication with their friend, we’ll make sure you don’t get dragged into your own game of telephone.
"I know exactly what you mean."
Why it doesn't work: As we’ve pointed out above, even the closest relationships don’t mean that you’ll always understand what your loved one is saying. Avoid your own miscommunication by confirming that you truly do know what your friend is saying.
"I’d be really upset."
Why it doesn't work: Your loved one has expressed miscommunication with a friend. Miscommunication happens to everyone and does not imply ill intent by the person who failed to express themselves. Avoid attaching any emotion to the miscommunication at hand. Let your loved one tell you how they feel, rather than the other way around.
"There’s no way that’s what they meant."
Why it doesn't work: Conversational styles, tone, pitch, cultural background and more all affect the way we communicate. And even if we understand all that, the meaning can still be lost. If your loved one is at crossroads with a friend, don’t add new assumptions to what they mean.
"Everyone knows you shouldn’t interrupt/say 'I don’t like your outfit'/speak loudly."
Why it doesn't work:The rules of politeness that govern conversation change from context to context. There are no set rules for conversation. These kinds of assumptions create the types of miscommunications that your loved one is facing. Remember that the way you communicate, and the way you see the game of conversation, may totally differ from someone else.
"You should have said XYZ."
Why it doesn't work: In much the same way we can answer more Jeopardy! questions at home than those under the bright lights, it is easy to see the perfect thing to say when you aren’t in the moment. Rather than letting your loved one know what they should have done, let them tell you what happened.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
The best way to resolve a miscommunication is to communicate about it. Use your active listening skills to make sure you’re not muddying the waters as you help your loved one tackle this issue with their friend.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"That sounds hard. Have you asked them what they meant?"
Why it works: People communicate both directly and indirectly. For example, asking, “What are you doing tonight?” is a much more indirect invitation than “Do you want to hang out tonight?” In situations of miscommunication, it is best to forgo some forms of indirect communication. Encourage your loved one to open a dialogue about the issue, rather than stewing in assumptions that may not be true.
"Oh, I know. Carla and I are always misunderstanding one another."
Why it works: Perhaps the miscommunication your friend is having is small. Perhaps they do not even see it as an issue. It may be that your loved one wants to engage in what Tannen calls “the art of ritual complaining,” which occurs when you respond to a loved one’s complaint with one of your own. If your loved one is only looking for commiseration, be there to offer it.
How to recover
Unfortunately, there is no way to avoid miscommunication forever. Conversational styles (and assumed rules) differ from person to person. However, if you are feeling like you may not be understanding others lately, try engaging some skills from active listening. Ask for clarification. Tell people what you heard (rather than assuming what they meant).
Other suggestions
The best way to get better at communication is by noticing the different styles of communication. Take note of the ways your friends and family speak. What kind of conversational styles do they find natural? By noticing the ways your loved ones communicate, you’ll better understand when to take offense and when it is a difference of style.