What to Say: Grad School Testing
Grad school is one challenge—preparing to get in is its own.
Grad school is one challenge—preparing to get in is its own.
Grad school is one challenge—preparing to get in is its own.
What we'll cover
According to the National Center for Education Statistics, 3.2 million Americans were enrolled in a post-baccalaureate (a term for post-undergraduate education) in 2021. The vast majority of graduate school programs require some sort of test as part of admissions. Testing requirements vary.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll give you a brief overview of the test-taking timeline and the emotional side of taking the test. We’ll also tell you what to avoid saying and what to say to better support your loved one.
What it is
Graduate school testing is the standardized test (like the ACT or SAT) that many schools require for graduate school admission. There are a number of graduate school tests, each with their own purpose and requirement. Some of the most well-known graduate school tests are the GRE (Graduate Record Examinations), LSAT (Law School Admissions Test) and MCAT (Medical College Admissions Test).
The graduate school testing path is longer than you expect. We spoke by phone with Whitney Garner, an instructor and curriculum developer at Manhattan Prep, a boutique tutoring company, about the process. Garner says the entire process—including studying and test taking—takes two to six months for most test takers. And most will have to sit the exam more than once. This is especially true for those who seek to get into very competitive programs.
Studying for graduate school tests is a huge commitment. “It's anywhere from 12 to 18 hours a week,” says Garner. Graduate school applicants are often applying after a break from school. Professional program applicants, such as those seeking a Master of Business Administration (MBA), may have years of professional life under their belts. This stage of life, with its myriad responsibilities, can often be a hindrance for carving out study time.
Test takers in their 20s and 30s may have childcare responsibilities and full-time jobs that pull their attention. Garner encourages those financially able to do so to pay someone to take care of some day-to-day tasks, like cleaning and childcare. “Spend a little money and a little creativity to buy back time,” says Garner.
Emotional side
It can be difficult for test takers to ask for help. But it may be equally hard for them to grapple with the insecurities tests often reveal. This is especially true for those who have been out of school for a while. Those who are applying to grad school from professional life often do so out of a desire to take the next step by obtaining a postgraduate degree. As Garner says, “You feel confident in some way and then all of a sudden the test is like, ‘Yeah, but you really suck at eighth grade math.’” Taking a test is its own skill, but your loved one may feel insecure as they gear up for the exam.
Having to learn or relearn skills from the test taker’s academic life can take its toll. “This test will chip away at your wellbeing. It's gonna constantly make you question your intelligence,” Garner says. Test-takers may feel demotivated at times, due to the difficulty of studying for, taking and re-taking the test. Ask your loved one what ideal support looks like for them. Don’t assume you know what is best for your loved one.
What not to say
Remember that graduate test taking is simply the beginning of a long and complicated process. It is the start of a new academic journey. Your loved one will need your long-term, continued support.
"Don’t say that! You’re smart. You’ll do fine!"
Why it doesn’t work: When your loved one comes to you with their fears, it can be easy to refute that with compliments. But this can feel dismissive to your test-taking loved one. As Garner says, those on the receiving end of such language, can feel “really invalidated by that.” It is important to, firstly, acknowledge your loved one’s very legitimate worries.
"Going to grad school seems dumb."
Why it doesn't work: Going to graduate school is a difficult process, but your loved one sees clear value in seeking a postgraduate degree. Rather than focusing on potential difficulty or your lack of interest in graduate school, focus on their experience. What are their hopes and dreams for this new period of their life?
"When I did that section, it was easy. You’ll nail it."
Why it doesn't work: If you have gone through the graduate school testing process for yourself, it is important to separate your experience from that of your loved one. Your experiences will be different. “You need to forget that you ever did this and it ever felt easy for you,” says Garner. Refocus your attention on their experience and validating their feelings.
"Just study!"
Why it doesn't work: Practical concerns often keep people from studying. And, as Garner points out, students are often using similar self-defeating talk against themselves. “Words like ‘just’—in ‘just do this’—should be completely thrown out of your vocabulary. ‘Just’ is a four-letter word… It’s so dismissive,” says Garner.
Instead, ask your loved one what you can do to help them to create the time and space they need to study. What’s keeping them from sitting down to study? Perhaps, you can help alleviate some of their responsibilities.
"Bring your books on vacation. You should get a little done, even if we’re at the beach."
Why it doesn't work: Test takers should fully separate their study time from their down time. If your loved one tries to squeeze studying into other activities, it diminishes both. Garner says, “That’s a no-no. If you're going on vacation, if you're going on a trip: books and studying stay at home. They will follow you around, but you won't do them.” Don’t set your loved one up for failure by insisting they meld incompatible activities.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you."
What to say
Grad school testing is a long process that can cause a variety of emotions in your loved one. To be a good source of support for your loved one, be open to their changing emotions and needs. Continue to check in and be open to their changing feelings.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"How are you feeling? Is there anything I can help you with this week?"
Why it works: A conversation starter like this allows your loved one to tell you what they need. It does not assume how they are feeling or what they may need from you during this time. Rather, open-ended questions like this allow your loved one to talk about how they are feeling openly. Listen attentively and see how you can assist them.
"I want to say: I’m so proud of you for doing this! I know studying is tough. We see how hard you’re working and we’re all cheering you on!"
Why it works: Sometimes, all your loved one may need is a pep talk. It can be easy to get caught up in the day-to-day flow of life. But make it a point to let your loved one know that they’re doing a great job. This conversation starter lets your loved one know that you see them and you see how hard they are working. It isn’t dismissive (“You’ll ace this test. Don’t worry!”). Rather, it recognizes what is in your loved one’s control (their hard work) and provides encouragement (“we’re cheering you on”).
How to recover
If you’ve said the wrong thing, apologize. The grad school testing process is a long process, and balancing the needs of your loved one and yourself will be complicated. Give yourself and your loved one grace as you navigate this process. Give each other the benefit of the doubt to help avoid miscommunication.
Other suggestions
There are many practical ways you can help your loved one while they are preparing for graduate school exams. You can provide home-cooked meals, help them with childcare duties and assist with other errands. Anything you can do to help your loved one set up dedicated study time will likely be appreciated.
Garner suggests studying alongside your loved one can help them feel less alone in the process. “I encourage folks who do have people they live with or family that they live with to have ‘study hour,’ where the other members of their family do some sort of reading or being in the same space with them,” she says. Doing this can help add a communal feeling to studying and can relieve some of the loneliness that may come with the process of prepping for such a test.