What to Say: Graduation
Celebrate this important milestone for your friend or loved one.
Celebrate this important milestone for your friend or loved one.
Celebrate this important milestone for your friend or loved one.
What we'll cover
Graduation—whether from high school, college, or beyond—is an important milestone. It is the culmination of years of work and a good way to mark moving into a new stage of life. In this "What to Say" guide we'll discuss the importance of graduation and we'll give you the words to congratulate the new graduate without adding stress to their life.
What it is
Graduation ceremonies are important social rituals that not only connect a graduate with their immediate past or future, but also connects them with a tradition of scholarship going back hundreds of years. Graduation in the United States typically follows a pattern, with students wearing caps, gowns and mortarboards as they receive diplomas and experience the applause of friends and family.
Graduations mark time in life, giving celebrants a space to reflect on their past, present and future. According to a 2016 study, graduates who put time and effort into the ceremony (i.e. spending time with family, reflecting on their school experience, etc.) generated meaning from their commencement. This meaning traveled beyond the ceremony itself and into the following week.
Graduates may feel mixed emotions as they enter a new phase of life. Let the graduate process their emotions as you celebrate their accomplishments.
What not to say
Graduation is a stressful time. As graduates take the spotlight, they'll experience a host of conflicting emotions. They may feel frightened about the future or sad about the past. We'll help you avoid adding to their potential stress.
"So what's next?"
Why it doesn't work: Graduation is a time to reflect on the past and present as much as it is the future. The graduate is likely thinking (or worrying) about their future enough. Give them space to process the present, rather than rushing them into the future.
"Congratulations, but graduation ceremonies are boring."
Why it doesn't work: Rather than focusing on how you feel about the ceremony, focus on the graduate. You were invited to the ceremony because you are important to the graduate. Show respect by focusing on them, rather than your own feelings.
"Congrats—for a while, we thought you wouldn't make it."
Why it doesn't work: Graduation is a big deal! Don't diminish the graduate's accomplishment. This is a time to celebrate the years of hard work that went into their diploma, not minimize it. Don't focus on what they could have done or should have done. Focus on the finish line, rather than how they got there.
"In my day..."
Why it doesn't work: Rather than shifting focus to how your graduation functioned, talk about the current graduation. Now is the time to bring up fond recent memories of the graduate. Don't shift the conversation to yourself.
"You're really going to miss this aren't you?"
Why it doesn't work: Let the graduate tell you how they are feeling. Don't project your own emotions (or the emotions you presume they have) onto the graduate. Let them describe how they feel, rather than telling them how they should feel.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
As we've established, now is the time to focus on the graduate and discuss the entire range of their experience. Offer them an open mind, a listening ear and a pat on the back.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"Congratulations! I'm so proud of you!"
Why it works: Graduation is an important event. It may be easy for others (including the graduate) to downplay it. By acknowledging the hard work that led to this day, you're showing them that you see them.
"Congratulations! How are you feeling? It's a pretty big day."
Why it works: This works because it is an open-ended question that acknowledges the congratulatory nature of the day as well as the enormity of it. You allow the graduate to tell you how they feel, rather than insisting how you think they should feel.
How to recover
If you made the faux pas of demanding the graduate’s five-year plan at the post-ceremony BBQ, the simplest solution is just to avoid that behavior in the future. Rather than apologizing, which can be an emotional demand in an already fraught time, resolve to do better.
Other suggestions
Graduation is a stressful time that may be packed with events. Rather than being another demanding presence, it may be best to plan something with the graduate in the weeks after the ceremony. Take them out for a one-on-one celebratory meal, or offer a friendly ear as they try to sort out what their future holds.