What to Say: Grief
Grief can manifest differently in every person. Offer support to your loved one during their time of need.
Grief can manifest differently in every person. Offer support to your loved one during their time of need.
Nathaniel Glanzman
Reviewer URLGrief can manifest differently in every person. Offer support to your loved one during their time of need.
What we'll cover
Knowing what to say to a loved one experiencing grief can be difficult, especially if you have not experienced it yourself. In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll focus on what grief is and how it can affect someone's life. We’ll also let you know what to avoid when supporting your loved one through grief and what you can say to let them know you’re there for them.
What it is
Grief is an emotion that can be overwhelming for many people. Some of the ways people can experience grief include:
— Losing a loved one
— Being involved in a traumatic event
— Going through a divorce or the ending of a long-term friendship
— Being diagnosed with cancer or a terminal illness
Everyone experiences grief in different ways, and there is no time limit on how long it can last. The Mayo Clinic refers to grief as “both a universal and a personal experience.” Just like loss, grief varies from person-to-person.
While grief is an emotion in itself, it also contains other emotions or reactions inside of it. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, these reactions can include:
— Anger
— Anxiety
— Denial or disbelief
— Sadness
— Physical reactions, such as sleeping difficulties and loss of appetite
How grief lingers
When the feeling of comfort and stability is threatened, like when someone is diagnosed with a terminal illness, it can feel devastating. Your loved one may even feel better for a while, only to feel sadness or anxiety again. They may even feel guilt or regret over a missed opportunity or perhaps a difficult relationship.
Grief can even affect physical health, according to a 2020 review in the journal Frontiers in Psychiatry. Researchers found grief can increase the chances of heart attacks, certain cancers and even death. Unhealthy lifestyle choices can be a coping mechanism or simply a result of feeling out of control. These can include alcohol and tobacco use, lack of exercise and not taking medications as prescribed.
What not to say
Grief is a complicated emotion that can have other secondary emotions such as anger, sadness or denial. Listen to your loved one’s feelings, and try not to assume how they feel. The following are examples of things to avoid saying when speaking with your loved one.
"I could never go through what you’re going through."
Why it doesn't work: Statements such as these put the focus on you when it should be on your loved one. Saying you could never experience what they have experienced can be hurtful. It’s no different than saying, “I’m glad it wasn’t me.” Your loved one probably never thought they could ever experience what they are right now, either.
"It can always be worse."
Why it doesn't work: This statement might be intended to show someone that they should look at their loss from a different perspective. But it actually forces your loved one to “look on the bright side.” Statements like this won’t be well-received. It can also make your loved one feel guilty that they’re overreacting. Instead, simply validate that their situation is their own.
"Let me know if you need anything."
Why it doesn't work: On a surface level, this seems like a supportive statement. But it actually provides the person saying it with an exit out of an uncomfortable situation. It means you’re putting the burden on the other person to ask for help. It can feel frustrating for your loved one to hear this, especially if it’s coming from multiple people.
"I know how you feel."
Why it doesn't work: In many cases, when discussing something uncomfortable, it might seem easiest to talk about yourself in order to relate to the other person. But grief is different for everyone. Don’t compare losses. Even if you experienced a similar loss, you really don’t know how your loved one feels because their loss is their own.
"It will be OK."
Why it doesn't work: The problem with this statement is that at this point in time, neither you nor your loved one knows the future. You don’t know if your loved one will be OK or if they will fully recover from their loss. This statement provides false reassurance that they will come out of their grief without any emotional scars. There is no time limit on grief and you can’t predict how their grief will resolve.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Knowing the right thing to say when someone is grieving doesn’t come naturally to most people. Oftentimes, we have been conditioned to not talk about death or grief. Yet it is better to say something than nothing at all. Utilize these statements to support your loved one.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I’m so sorry."
Why it works: It’s only three words, but they are simple and validating. When someone has just experienced a tremendous loss or has gone through a traumatic experience, there is very little you as their loved one can actually do to fix it with words. Telling them you’re sorry acknowledges their grief and doesn’t minimize their experience. It also doesn’t imply that you know how they feel.
"I’m here for you. I’ll check in later."
Why it works: Instead of offering vague statements, this statement lets the other person know you are there for them. You are also taking it upon yourself to check back in with them and let them know they aren’t forgotten. Just make sure that when you say you’re going to call or text, you follow through.
How to recover
It may be hard to know what to say to someone who is grieving. You may find yourself making a mistake when supporting your loved one through their grief. If you find you’ve made a blunder or hurt someone because of something you said, acknowledge it and apologize. See our articles on “What to Say: Apologies” and “How to Be a Better Listener” for additional tips.
Other suggestions
Don’t wait for an invitation to help your loved one. Instead, jump in and offer support. Bring them a meal, or do the dishes and some light housework. People who are grieving may not know what they need. Taking care of dinner or a load of laundry can take some emotional and physical toll off your loved one so they can focus on what’s important to them.
If your loved one has had a loss, ask permission to offer to help them express their grief or acknowledge their loss. You may help them create a memory book or make their loved one’s favorite meal.