What to Say: Gun Violence
How to support those you love after they’ve experienced gun violence.
How to support those you love after they’ve experienced gun violence.
Nathaniel Glanzman
Reviewer URLHow to support those you love after they’ve experienced gun violence.
What we'll cover
Gun violence is one of the leading causes of death in the United States. It also causes lasting physical, emotional, and social side effects for both individuals and communities.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll look at some of the statistics surrounding gun violence and provide an overview of how gun violence can affect people. We’ll also give you suggestions for what to say and what not to say to a loved one who has experienced gun violence.
What it is
According to the Pew Research Center, more than 45,000 people died from gun-related injuries in the United States in 2020. That’s 13.6 gun deaths per 100,000 people. This statistic includes all types of gun deaths, including murders, suicides, accidents and deaths involving law enforcement. And according to a recent study, there was a 15.0% increase in firearm-related incidents and a 34.3% increase in firearm-related nonfatal injuries during the Covid-19 pandemic.
Experiencing gun violence is traumatic, whether someone experiences it firsthand or watches their community grapple with it. Gun violence isn’t only limited to mass shootings, either. Gun violence happens in urban, suburban and rural areas, and many incidences of gun violence don’t get any media attention.
Side effects
Gun violence can increase the incidence of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety and depression. It can also lead to feelings of anger, guilt, jumpiness, shock, sorrow, numbness, disillusionment and grief. After experiencing gun violence, people often feel a heightened sense of fear and may take fewer risks than they would have in the past. They may withdraw and may not seek out social support.
Of course, victims and survivors of gun violence are often harmed physically as well. This can lead to lifelong disability, costly medical bills, disfigurement, and low self-esteem, among many other consequences.
Gun violence can have lasting impacts on communities, whether they face an isolated gun violence incident or an ongoing problem. They may experience community trauma, which is a collective trauma that impacts the community as a whole. According to nonprofit Everytown for Gun Safety, community trauma due to gun violence can result in negative impacts on physical and mental health. It can also make children struggle to concentrate in school. With ongoing gun violence, it can make people struggle to overcome repeated loss.
Gun violence can also change the structure of how the community functions, and it can create a general feeling of hopelessness as some people start to accept gun violence as a part of life when gun violence is common.
From physical side effects to mental side effects that can plague a whole community, gun violence has the potential to take a significant toll on your loved one. They may feel scared and tired, and they might suffer from mental illness like depression or PTSD. Even if they aren’t outwardly showing signs that they are affected by gun violence, it’s important to show up and make sure they know you’re here for them. You can do this by supporting them with your presence.
What not to say
Gun violence can cause heightened emotions such as fear, anxiety and depression because it is a traumatic experience. Inadvertently saying something hurtful can heighten these emotions even more.
"It’s been a while. You should probably move on."
Why it doesn't work: It’s very normal for people to experience heightened emotions and physical reactions, such as feeling jumpy, after experiencing gun violence. While it’s true that people who experience these emotions for a prolonged period of time might need to seek help, this isn’t the way to address it. Instead, as an example, consider gently asking your loved one if they want to go to a support group with you. If they say no, continue to support them by checking in on how they’re doing.
"You must be thankful you survived."
Why it doesn't work: Whether they only heard about gun violence on the news or were a victim of gun violence themselves, many people experience survivor’s guilt. People with survivor’s guilt feel remorse after witnessing or being involved in a traumatic experience, while remaining relatively unharmed. This can cause a variety of symptoms, including irritability, mood swings, obsessive thoughts, suicidal thoughts, changes in appetite and difficulty sleeping.
If your loved one is suffering from depression, they might not feel thankful they survived. Instead of assuming how your loved one is feeling, consider telling them how you feel by saying something like, “I’m so thankful you survived, but this must be really hard for you. Do you want to talk about how you’re feeling?”
"You need to get out of the house."
Why it doesn't work: Many people who are victims of gun violence or who have a loved one who was a victim of gun violence, go into a state of hypervigilance. A research article published in the Journal of Trauma Nursing reported that some victims of gun violence are so fearful that they don’t want to leave home. Statements like this can make your loved one feel ashamed of their fear and how they’re feeling.
Rather than telling your loved one what they need to do, consider gently inviting them on a walk or out for a dessert. Remember that they might be afraid to leave the house, so don’t push them if they say no.
"Aren't you thankful it wasn't worse?"
Why it doesn't work: Regardless of how “bad” the gun violence was or is, it’s still traumatic for your loved one to experience. Suggesting that the violence wasn’t bad can make your loved one feel like their grief, fear and other emotions aren’t valid. Even if your loved one didn’t experience the violence firsthand, they have a right to feel their emotions.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you."
What to say
It can be difficult to begin talking and to know what to say about a heavy subject like gun violence. Say something supportive that lets your loved one know you’re there to listen or simply be present with them.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"Can I stop by to watch a movie or hang out tonight?"
Why it works: According to clinical psychologist Leah Blain, Ph.D. in an article for Penn Medicine, social support is key after someone experiences gun violence. You can help support your loved one’s recovery by offering to keep them company. According to the American Psychological Association, “Over time, the caring support of family and friends can help to lessen the emotional impact and ultimately make the changes brought about by the tragedy more manageable.”
"If you want to tell me about what happened, I’d love to listen."
Why it works: In an article for the magazine Social Work Today, Mary Francis, RN, MSN, Ph.D., an assistant professor of nursing at Widener University, said people who have experienced gun violence often want their story to be heard. Although it might feel awkward to ask or you might assume they don’t want to talk about it, it may be healing for them to talk about what happened. When they tell their story, practice being a good listener and letting them speak without interrupting.
How to recover
We all mess up and get it wrong sometimes. Even if you mean well, there are instances when words can do more harm than good. Your objective is to support your loved one's sense of security and confidence in you. Try to recover by first apologizing. Rather than trying to say more, it may be better to simply vow to listen better to your loved one. Reminding a loved one that you're available for them if they need you may be helpful.
Other suggestions
Make it easier for them to care for themselves in the days following gun violence. Send over a care package with meals, snacks, water, and something they can pamper themselves with like a relaxing face mask or a good-smelling candle. Anything that can help them feel a sense of normalcy and take care of themselves can be helpful.
Offer to go with them to a support group or even to therapy. It can be a big step to admit (or even realize) they need help processing their emotions. Sometimes, survivors of gun violence don’t realize how badly they’ve been affected, but talking to other survivors or a therapist can help them realize the benefits of extra help.