What to Say: Hate Crimes
How you can support those who have experienced hate crimes
How you can support those who have experienced hate crimes
Nathaniel Glanzman
Reviewer URLHere’s how you can support those who have experienced hate crimes.
What we'll cover
Hate crimes have increased significantly within the last two years, especially against people of color and the LGBTQ+ community, and they can impact many people, including those who did not experience it firsthand. In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll talk about how to best comfort or support someone who has been the victim of a hate crime.
Recent spikes
Hate crime rates in the United States have risen alarmingly in the past few years. Some instances may have been spurred by charged rhetoric. For example, crimes against Asian Americans have jumped 342% from 2020 to 2021, with the Stop AAPI Hate coalition tracking nearly 11,000 incidents from March 19, 2020 to December 31, 2021. Others may be related to political unrest, such as the spike in hate crimes against the Black community following the murder of George Floyd in May 2020.
According to the United States Department of Justice, it’s an issue that affects the greater community as well. “Hate crimes have a broader effect than most other kinds of crime … victims include not only the crime’s immediate target but also others like them,” they said. They can also affect a loved one’s life long after the crime has occurred. Organizations such as the American College of Physicians consider hate crimes to be an important public health concern, as the emotional damage may include losing trust in the perpetrator’s group; shame, fear and vulnerability; anxiety; stopping certain activities; and identity denial.
What not to say
Hate crimes are senseless and violent, which often prompts people to try to make some kind of sense and peace with it. However natural that instinct is, it can lead one to say something insensitive or hurtful if not careful.
"Are you sure this was a hate crime?"
Why it doesn't work: Oftentimes, identifying discrimination and categorizing a criminal act as one prompted by hate is a gray, uncomfortable area. Questioning that hate was the motive adds more doubt and uncertainty to a situation already wrought with both. It can also be a form of gaslighting, even if it’s inadvertent. It is not up to you to decide what is and is not a hate crime.
"What did you do before this happened?"
Why it doesn't work: While you might be gathering context to try and make sense of the hate crime, this implies that the person who was targeted was actually the trigger for the situation. That can be harmful in the same way that victim blaming is harmful. The reality, supported in "A Policymaker’s Guide to Hate Crimes" by the Bureau of Justice Assistance, is that hate crimes are often unprompted, random and unprecedented by personal association.
"Was there anything you could have done to avoid this?”
Why it doesn't work: Again, this puts the onus and the blame squarely on the person attacked. Hate crimes are often randomized and perpetrated by individual citizens who may not even have any personal connection to their target. According to “A Policymaker’s Guide to Hate Crimes,” most offenders are “thrill seekers” randomly targeting interchangeable representatives of minority groups. A minute percentage may also be “mission offenders,” who believe their biases to be justified as ridding the world of a “perceived evil.” It is very often a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
"Maybe just don't go that way anymore."
Why it doesn't work: Hate crimes are not necessarily situational. By asking the traumatized person to change or limit their established behavior on account of a one-off incident creates further trauma as well as increases their sense of fear. It also reinforces their negative feelings and associations with a place, giving them a tangible focus for anxiety, which can create future behavioral issues such as avoidance.
"I know how you feel."
Why it doesn't work: The short answer is that you don’t. No matter how empathetic you may be, the way hate crimes affect those who have been harmed or impacted by them is as individual as that person themselves. It can be offensive—particularly if you could not have been targeted for the same bias—to say this, as it undermines their position and increases their vulnerability. It’s better to say, “I can imagine how you must feel” and let your loved one speak.
What to say
Hate crimes are very difficult to even acknowledge, much less talk about in detail. The events are often harrowing, sudden, and violent, and a sense of helplessness can cause feelings of shame. It’s important to keep that in mind when comforting someone you care about.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I’m so sorry that happened to you. Is there anything I can do?”
Why it works: This statement shows sympathy, acknowledges the incident, and establishes your stance as an ally and perhaps as a protector. Even if your loved one decides there is nothing you can do personally but listen, it shows that you care enough to offer to be a part of the solution.
“Are you OK? How are you feeling?”
Why it works: When someone chooses to confide in you that they have been affected by a hate crime, they are likely very shaken and need to talk it out to try to make some sense of it. By opening up the conversation with questions that invite them to explore their current physical, emotional, and mental state, you can help them heal by talking through it.
"If you would like to report it, I’d be happy to come with you."
Why it works: It can be uncomfortable and embarrassing to talk about experiencing a hate crime. Your offer of moral support and even your physical presence can be comforting and help your loved one feel safer when asking for justice. It also subtly encourages them to go to the authorities, which is important since many hate crimes go unreported.
According to the Department of Justice, “it is critical to report hate crimes not only to show support and get help for victims, but also to send a clear message that the community will not tolerate these kinds of crimes … [it] allows communities and law enforcement to fully understand the scope of the problem … and put resources toward preventing and addressing attacks.” However, by saying “if” instead of “should,” you allow them the grace to keep it private if they feel unable to come forward for fear of retaliation.
How to recover
If you've said something insensitive or hurtful to someone who has experienced a hate crime, your best course of action is to apologize and promise to do better and stand by their side as an ally as they work through the trauma. Come back to them and let them know you are ready to listen.
Other suggestions
If you feel that the person you care about may need more help and support than you can provide, you may ask them if it would be okay for you to research resources and groups to help them heal.
If you feel affected and activated by the plight of the community being impacted by hate crimes, you may choose to donate to an anti-racist or awareness organization on their behalf to show your support. You can also join the next march if there is one scheduled. Make it clear on your individual channels and platforms that you are a proud ally, do not abide hate or discrimination, and support equality and justice. Sharing the posts or tweets of people experiencing hate crimes is a small, but impactful way to show your support.
You can also learn more about safe de-escalation and the signs of an impending hate crime, such as discriminatory epithets and charged language, and how to safely step in to defuse the situation. This will better equip you to recognize cues and stop a hate crime from occurring.