What to Say: Homophobia
Support your loved one if and when they’ve experienced homophobia
Support your loved one if and when they’ve experienced homophobia
Support your loved one if and when they’ve experienced homophobia
What we'll cover
Homophobia is easy to define: prejudice and discrimination against LGBTQ+ people. However, it can be harder to identify homophobia in real life and the way it both harms queer people and shapes our society.
In this “What to Say" guide, we break down what homophobia is and how it affects LGBTQ+ people both personally and socially. We’ll also go over what to say and what to avoid saying as you learn to support your loved ones experiencing homophobia.
What it is
Though most people are familiar with homophobia, it is most often understood as interpersonal — something that happens to someone, done by someone else. For example, someone being called a homophobic slur and harassed as they walk down the street is easy to identify as inappropriate. This type of homophobia is extremely common, with Galop, a UK-based LGBTQ+ anti-abuse charity, finding 64% of 1164 LGBTQ+ respondents for their 2021 Hate Crime Report have experienced anti-LGBTQ violence or abuse.
But overt abuse is only the tip of the iceberg. Homophobia is also a system we live in, affecting institutions like our places of work and school as well as marriage, legal, and economic protections and our cultural beliefs and norms.
Structural and societal impact
For people who are not LGBTQ+, it’s worth revisiting your social and cultural upbringing to examine how homophobia has shaped your worldview. Many people did not learn about LGBTQ+ people in school, see them represented in pop culture, or live in a place where LGBTQ+ people had the same legal and social rights as straight people. In this way, heterosexuality becomes normalized and “correct,” where LGBTQ+ identities were seen as strange (at best) or sick and sinful at worst. This discrepancy has a huge impact on LGBTQ+ people at all levels of their day-to-day life.
A 2023 study from the Williams Institute, a think tank from the University of California, Los Angeles, reports 23% of LGBTQ+ people in the United States lived in poverty in 2020, compared to 16% of non-LGBTQ+ people. Meanwhile, the UCLA Williams Institute’s 2020 study found that LGBTQ people are nearly four times more likely to experience violent victimization, including rape, sexual assault, and aggravated or simple assault. The numbers paint a stark picture, with research consistently reporting higher rates of violence, poverty, employment and housing discrimination, and denial of adequate healthcare facing LGBTQ+ people — due to homophobia.
It can be difficult to absorb the reality facing many LGBTQ+ people, especially given the meaningful strides the community has won in terms of marriage equality and representation. But in all likelihood, your loved one has faced overt and subtle homophobia throughout their life. Given this reality, it’s critical you show up for them, listen and offer support when they experience homophobia.
What not to say
Homophobia can vary in severity, depending on the situation, the people or institutions involved, and your loved one. Identity plays a part in this too, as homophobia often overlaps with other prejudices like racism, sexism, and classism. This means the harm your loved one experiences can be more severe depending on the other identities they may hold.
The most important thing you can do is to believe your loved one when they come to you and disclose an experience of homophobia. Avoid anything that can undercut their experience, including interrupting them, expressing doubt, being overly positive about the situation or arguing about how “bad” it really is.
The following are examples of things to avoid saying when speaking with your loved one during their disclosure.
“Are you sure they were being homophobic?”
Why it doesn't work: Statements like this show your loved one that you don’t believe them, their experiences or their reality. If your loved one is telling you about a time they experienced homophobia, believe that this likely isn’t the first time, and they know what homophobia feels, sounds and looks like. You are not a detective looking for evidence. Your role is to validate their experiences and provide support.
"This is an overreaction."
Why it doesn't work: Homophobia can be an incredibly lonely, scary and unsafe experience for your loved one. This statement indicates to your loved one that you care more about silencing them than listening and acknowledging them. How they react to a harmful experience isn’t your place to judge, but it can be your opportunity to help.
“You can power through this.”
Why it doesn't work: While overly positive statements may be well-intentioned, phrases that praise your loved one’s strength and grit can actually serve to dismiss their pain. Rather than focus on moving on from homophobia or “sucking it up,” allow your loved one to speak on their pain. Just having a place to vent emotions and name discrimination can lead to a more satisfying emotional resolution.
“Homophobia isn’t a big deal anymore. Everyone is so accepting!”
Why it doesn't work: While some people are privileged enough to never be affected by homophobia, many people deal with it on a daily basis, be it in a toxic workplace or unwelcoming home environment. Homophobia will always be a big deal to those who suffer under it. Avoid minimizing the impact of bigotry, and believe your loved one when they experience the consequences of homophobia.
“You should have handled it this way instead.”
Why it doesn't work: It’s easy to jump in and tell your loved one how to handle homophobia the “right” way. But unsolicited advice won’t help your loved one, especially if they need space to vent. Instead of offering advice or what you think they should have done, ask your loved one what they need to hear from you
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that you have a better understanding of homophobia and phrases to avoid, here are some affirming phrases you might use.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
Why it works: You can’t change what happened to your loved one, but you can express empathy and understanding. Saying things like “What happened to you was so unfair” or “I’m sorry you went through that” affirms your loved one’s experiences. Sometimes, simply naming the unfair, discriminatory and inappropriate experience can help your loved one process.
“Can I help resolve this situation?”
Why it works: This phrase opens up the floor for more tangible acts of service or help for your loved one. By keeping this question open-ended, you allow your loved one to decline or ask for specific help. If they want help but aren’t sure what they need, you can offer suggestions like advocating on their behalf, assisting them with making a formal complaint or simply following up with them in a few days to check in.
How to recover
If you say the wrong thing and unintentionally hurt your loved one, pause the conversation and check in with them. Ask something like, “I can see that I may have just hurt you. Can we take a moment to resolve this?” Once you understand how you hurt your loved one, take responsibility and apologize. Then, ask if you can continue the conversation with a phrase like, “I want to support you right now. Can we try again?” Your loved one may or may not want to continue the conversation, but whatever their decision, respect it with grace and compassion. Let them know that you regret what you said or did and that you are available for support when they are ready.
Other suggestions
If you’ve never experienced homophobia firsthand, it can be difficult to understand the deep emotional impact it can have on someone else. Consider educating yourself on LGBTQ+ rights and committing yourself to mindful, appropriate actions of solidarity. Write a letter to your representatives about anti-gay and anti-trans legislation in your area. Vote for candidates who support LGBTQ+ rights. Support queer-owned organizations, community centers and non-profits.
In the meantime, you can learn more about how homophobia rarely acts alone — racism, sexism, ableism, and many other forms of discriminationall interact to oppress different people in different ways. Books like Queering the Color Line: Race and the Invention of Homosexuality in American Culture by Siobhan B. Somerville, Bodies and Barriers: Queer Activists on Health by Adrian Shanker and When We Were Outlaws by Jeanne Córdova are great places to start.