What to Say: Infidelity
When a loved one faces infidelity in their relationship, it can feel emotionally and mentally daunting.
When a loved one faces infidelity in their relationship, it can feel emotionally and mentally daunting.
When a loved one faces infidelity in their relationship, it can feel emotionally and mentally daunting.
What we'll cover
Infidelity can be defined as a broken agreement between romantic partners to stay emotionally or sexually exclusive. Whether we’ve experienced it ourselves or not, we likely know of at least one person who faced infidelity from a partner.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll look at how to best support someone facing infidelity in their relationship. We’ll also cover why infidelity occurs and how to manage your own biases about infidelity to know what to say and not say to a loved one.
What it is
Every relationship has a unique perspective on what constitutes infidelity, and it may not be based on whether a relationship is monogamous or non-monogamous. Consent and open communication are key to determining whether something constitutes infidelity.
There are many different forms of infidelity. The most common include:
— Physical infidelity: Engaging in a physical or sexual connection outside of your relationship
— Emotional Infidelity: Experiencing an emotional intimacy with someone other than your primary partner
— Cyber infidelity: Engaging in online activity that is sexual in nature such as chats, forums or groups. Some also consider watching pornography to fall under this category.
— Financial infidelity: When a partner is dishonest about how they earn their income, how they spend it, or if they are secretive about being financially tied to another person
— Micro-cheating: A term used to describe actions that may bother another partner and approach the line of infidelity, like flirting
— Combined Infidelity: This type of infidelity can include a combination of two or more of the types mentioned above
Why it happens
There are many reasons why infidelity may occur, and people may unintentionally blame themselves for their partner’s actions. A 2021 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy suggests infidelity is both a cause and a consequence of poor relationship health.
Scientific American says the eight key reasons that lead to infidelity are: anger, low self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, a need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and situation or circumstance. According to Dr. Debi Silber, a holistic psychologist and founder of the PBT (Post-Betrayal Transformation) Institute, people may also be unfaithful due to reasons like unresolved trauma, a sense of entitlement, or sexual or emotional short-falls in their primary relationship. Silber says those who commit infidelity have a “sense of scarcity.”
What not to say
It is normal for you to experience a wide range of emotions watching a loved one navigate infidelity in their relationship, making it difficult to know how to provide support. Take time to work through your own emotions alone so you are present for your loved one. Here are examples of things to avoid saying when offering your support as your loved one moves through this process.
"I saw that coming."
Why it doesn't work: It is human to have your own feelings about your loved one’s partner. Learning about their partner’s infidelity can reignite any reservations you had about the person. This is not the time to share your personal opinions about their partner. Hearing that they should have known can leave them feeling more ashamed than they may already feel and lose trust in themselves. This statement also damages the trust you have with your loved one. If you had suspicions and didn’t share them with your loved one, they may wonder if they can trust you to be honest.
"At least _______ didn’t happen."
Why it doesn't work: You may wish to cheer up your loved one by comparing their experience to something you believe is worse. But this statement minimizes their experience. Instead, acknowledge the uniqueness of their situation and validate their feelings. This will let your loved one feel cared for and understood.
"Call a lawyer immediately."
Why it doesn't work: Infidelity in married relationships is even more complicated because of shared assets and responsibilities. You may wish to offer a helpful solution, but this statement is highly presumptuous. You are assuming your loved one wants to end the relationship or go through a legal battle. Infidelity is not an automatic relationship killer. Relationships can overcome infidelity and, for some relationships, rebuild trust to become even stronger. Focus on how your loved one feels and what they need rather than trying to push them to do what you think they should do.
"You should forgive and forget."
Why it doesn't work: Silber says people often say this because they fear seeing a relationship between people they’ve become attached to end, such as a relationship between mutual friends. Your loved one needs time to heal. Offering support requires patience and understanding. Telling them to “forgive and forget” is premature and offers unhelpful advice that overlooks a person’s feelings. Ask yourself if you are saying this because of your own inability to console your friend, or your desire for people you like to stay together.
"The other person is a ____(insulting term)."
Why it doesn't work: It might feel tempting to take this opportunity to attack the third party, but this kind of statement only creates more unpleasant feelings for your loved one and doesn’t help someone heal. Infidelity results from an issue within the relationship between your loved one and their partner, not their affair partner. Focusing on the other person and stewing in unpleasant feelings prevents someone from gaining acceptance and forgiveness, which is needed to heal.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Empathy lets your loved one feel cared for and accepted. This is crucial after infidelity because the act of infidelity can feel like a personal attack on one’s sense of self. Empathy reassures your loved one that they are still loved despite being betrayed by their partner. Use these empathy-driven statements when talking to your loved one.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"How can I help?"
Why it works: Asking these kinds of questions shows that you are present and open to your loved one, without judgment. They may not know what they need, but asking these questions lets them know that they aren’t alone and you are there to help lift them up if they need it.
"Whatever you’re feeling is OK and normal."
Why it works: This statement is effective in creating safety for your loved one to express however they are feeling without fears of judgment or pity. You’re creating space for them to process their feelings and this is crucial in helping them heal their pain.
Other suggestions
Supporting someone who experienced infidelity does not have to come with the right words. In fact, offering comfort food, taking something off their plate, or just being with them while they cry (and maybe crying with them) can speak more than anything you may say.