What to Say: Intimate Partner Violence
Intimate partner violence is widespread. Here’s how to help.
Intimate partner violence is widespread. Here’s how to help.
Renee Harleston
Reviewer URLIntimate partner violence is widespread, here’s how to help.
What we'll cover
Do you recognize the signs of intimate partner violence (IPV) in your loved ones? And if so, do you know the appropriate steps and things to say to someone facing intimate partner violence?
This “What to Say” guide will cover how many people are affected by IPV, the warning signs to look out for, and what you can say and do to support someone facing IPV.
What it is
IPV, also known as domestic violence, is any physical, sexual or emotional abuse from a personal or sexual relationship. IPV is about control and power over another person in the relationship.
This abuse might include:
— Emotional abuse, like someone controlling or manipulating you
— Being physically injured, including kicks, slaps or punches
— Isolation, like someone keeping you from seeing friends or family
— Intimidation, such as threats to harm you or your children
— Stalking, including meeting you at your work or repeatedly texting you after you’ve said to stop
— Financial control
IPV Statistics
No one is immune from IPV, and anyone can experience violence from a partner despite their gender or sexual orientation, race or ethnicity, religion, economic status or education level.
IPV affects about 1 in 3 women at some point in their life, according to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). About 3 in 4 women who have experienced IPV have been physically injured by their partner, and more than half of women who are victims of homicide are killed by their current or former male partner. Men are affected as well, about 1 in 4 have experienced IPV. The numbers are more severe between cisgender and transgender people. According to a 2020 meta-analysis from the American Journal of Public Health, transgender individuals were 1.7 times more likely to experience any form of IPV compared to cisgender women. They were also 2.2 times more likely to experience physical IPV and 2.5 times more likely to experience sexual IPV.
Signs of IPV
It might not always be easy to figure out if someone is in an abusive relationship. But there are signs you can spot that can indicate your loved one might be facing IPV. Their partner may control where they go and who they see. Your friend may start canceling plans or leave early because their partner tells them they need to come home. You may also notice your normally happy friend suddenly starts appearing sad or insecure.
Your friend may blame themselves for things out of their control, or appear hesitant to talk about their relationship. They may share an account on social media with their partner, or their partner has access to your friend’s bank account. Your friend may have signs of physical injuries that don’t make sense, such as bruises or scrapes, but they aren’t usually accident-prone.
These aren’t the only signs that abuse may be going on. You may even have a gut feeling that something isn’t right or there is something about their partner that seems off, whether that’s being controlling, belittling, or doing something concerning, such as grabbing your friend too hard. Remember, anyone can be affected by IPV, and many people experience it to different degrees and types of abuse.
What not to say
IPV can be difficult to navigate as a friend or loved one. You may not feel confident in supporting your friend through this. Maybe your thoughts about IPV are affected by how you were raised or your personal or religious beliefs. Here are some statements to avoid saying to your loved one while they’re facing IPV.
“Why don’t you just leave?”
Why it doesn’t work: It may seem simple to you, but abuse is complicated. There are other factors that may be at play, such as your friend being financially dependent on their partner or even feeling loyalty to them. These are a few of the many reasons why someone may go back to their abusive partner.
Abuse often happens in cycles. In the “cycle of abuse,” four common stages occur. First, tension in the abuser builds. Then, an act of abuse occurs followed by a “honeymoon” period where the abuser acts “remorseful.” That usually leads to a period of calm when no abuse happens before tension builds again in the abuser. During this time, your friend may reconsider leaving because their partner might convince them the abuse will never happen again.
"I’ll call the police for you."
Why it doesn't work: It may seem helpful to your friend to report the abuse yourself. However, while your intentions are good, this may not be the best decision for your friend. They may not want the police involved, especially if their abuser is in a position of power.
One study in particular stated that about 40% of officers surveyed were violent towards their spouse and/or children. Only 1 in 4 physical assaults are reported, possibly because many believe it’s a private situation, they’re scared of their partner’s reaction or they don’t feel the police will do anything. It may make things worse for your friend to have the police come and talk to the abuser because the violence may increase.
"But he seems so nice. Are you sure he really did that?"
Why it doesn't work: You might know your friend’s abuser. You may have even been friends with them. Abusers aren’t always mean and frightening. Oftentimes, they can be charming, charismatic, and the life of the party to people not in the relationship. This is often done purposefully to keep their partner from leaving. But if your friend trusts you enough to talk about their abuse, believe them.
"I would never put up with that."
Why it doesn't work: Not only does this statement imply your loved one is doing something wrong, but it also implies you know the whole story — which you may not. Even if you’ve been in an abusive relationship yourself, everyone experiences it differently. You can’t know how you’d behave in a situation unless you’ve experienced it yourself. Refrain from sharing what you personally would do, and try to be there for your loved one.
"How could you let that happen to your kids?"
Why it doesn't work: Many times, people involved in IPV have children, whether it’s with their abuser or not. It can be painful to think of children witnessing abuse or experiencing it themselves, but there are many reasons why your friend chooses to stay, despite their children being affected. They may not be able to financially afford to leave, or they’re scared their abuser will fight them in court for child custody. Your friend most likely feels guilty as it is, and furthering that guilt isn’t helpful.
Instead, you may decide to have a conversation with your friend about a safety plan for their kids, if they’re open to it. You can also ask if there is anything you can do to assist in keeping your friend’s kids safe.
What to say
It can feel overwhelming when your friend is in an abusive relationship. You want to be there for them, and it can feel like you're at a loss for what to say to show you care. Here are some statements that can help your loved one without shaming them.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"This isn’t your fault."
Why it works: People who have experienced IPV can be quick to blame themselves. They may feel intimidated by their partner, or feel ashamed that they’re still in this relationship and can’t or won’t leave. By gently letting your friend know they are not to blame and they did nothing wrong to deserve the abuse, it can help them feel empowered.
"I’m here for you for whatever you need."
Why it works: This takes the pressure off your friend to “do the right thing” by just immediately leaving, and shows that you’re not judging them. Instead, you’re letting them know that whatever decisions they make, you’re going to be there to support them. You may be the only person your friend has shared their abuse with, and they now need someone who can listen to and respect them.
How to recover
IPV is serious, and it’s important to be there for your friend. When approaching them with such a significant personal issue, empathy is key. In the moment, when your friend is involved in an abusive relationship, safety is a priority. This goes for both you and your friend. If you feel threatened by your friend’s partner, or you’re concerned that your friend’s life may be in danger, you have every right to notify the authorities. If there is no immediate danger, supporting your friend by being non-judgemental and actively listening to them if they want to talk, can go a long way.
Other suggestions
Let your friend know you’re there for them, whatever they decide to do. You can help them create a safety plan that will allow them to leave their abuser when they need to. This might include helping them pack a “getaway bag” with a change of clothes, toiletries, money, and important documents such as passports and marriage certificates. If it’s safe for you to do so, you might offer to keep this bag in a secure location in your home.
Provide your friend with the website for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. This site can help your friend with local resources, including housing, financial assistance and emergency shelter. You or your friend can also call, text, or live chat with a representative who can assist further.