What to Say: Leaving the Nest
Every stage of parenting presents unique challenges. Offer your support to a loved one whose child is moving out of the home for the first time.
Every stage of parenting presents unique challenges.
Every stage of parenting presents unique challenges.
What we'll cover
Children leaving their childhood home (i.e. “the nest”) for the first time can be a big period of transition for their parents. These parents become “empty nesters” and go through a major process of change without the daily responsibilities of parenting.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll describe the experience of becoming an empty nester and how to support a loved one whose child recently left the nest.
What it is
Children typically grow up to leave the family home at some point, such as when they head off to college, get married or can afford their own place. Sometimes, parents struggle with this transition and experience what’s called “the empty nest syndrome,” a negative emotional response to their children leaving the home. The empty nest syndrome may include feelings of grief, anger or guilt. Parents may also have feelings of anxiety if they are unsure how to cope with the loss of their role as a parent or if they are afraid that the child won’t be able to handle being on their own.
Research from the Journal of Family Issues shows the way parents respond to their children leaving the nest can make the empty nest syndrome worse. Specifically, parents who see this change as a significant loss of identity as a parent and are not engaged with other important social roles (e.g. serving on a committee, member of a club, or taking care of other family members) or activities may struggle more with empty nest syndrome.
Additionally, different cultures or families may have different expectations for when and why a child should leave home. For example, a report from the journal Canadian Social Trends reports families who are religious often expect their children to leave the home at a later age than families who are not religious.
However, it is not all bad news. Children leaving home can also create a positive change for the parents, improving their life and marital satisfaction, especially if they maintain a fulfilling relationship with the children even when they’re gone. For example, some empty nesters have the opportunity to reconnect with their spouses and can re-engage in hobbies, travel and physical intimacy more often than when they were focused on parenting. If your loved one recently became an empty nester, help him or her focus on developing a sense of identity, purpose or enjoyment outside their role as a parent.
What not to say
Even parents who seem happy or proud their child left home may also struggle with empty nest syndrome. We’ll help you avoid throwing salt into the wound by saying something hurtful.
"Wow, it’s about time he left! Your son is too old to still be living at home."
Why it doesn't work: Parents may feel anxiety, shame or guilt if children don’t leave the home according to cultural or familial norms. For example, your loved ones may feel embarrassed if their children leave home at an older age than what you would expect. Remember to focus on supporting your loved one through the change instead of making judgments on how it happened.
"You’re done with being a mother/father/parent! Yay!"
Why it doesn't work: You may be trying to cheer up your loved one by pointing out how he or she doesn’t have the responsibilities of a parent anymore. As difficult as parenting may be, some people may identify with their role as a mother, father or parent and feel sad to lose it. Avoid statements that are insensitive to how painful this loss can feel.
"Let’s get a couple drinks to deal with this."
Why it doesn't work: It may be helpful to go out for a drink or do something fun with your loved one to keep them company during this time, but many empty nesters may self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. Avoid encouraging drinking or taking drugs as a coping strategy.
"Your kid is really gone, huh? I bet you’ll barely hear from him from now on."
Why it doesn't work: Many parents struggle with and assume that their relationship with their children is over. Don’t suggest that this important relationship to them is lost forever, as that can make your loved one’s grief or depression worse.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Help your loved one stay connected to other activities, roles and people in his or her life outside of parenting to lessen the blow of the empty nest. We’ll help you find the words to encourage them with compassion.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"What are you looking forward to in this next chapter of your life?"
Why it works: Your loved ones will cope better with the empty nest by engaging in other fulfilling activities or relationships outside of parenting. Help them brainstorm and focus on those different ventures, such as ways to reconnect with his or her spouse, taking up new hobbies, getting involved in the community or traveling.
"How are you planning to stay connected to your daughter/son from now on?"
Why it works: Your loved ones will feel worse if they think of their children leaving the nest as the end of their relationship entirely. Instead, encourage your loved one to think about this transition as a time to learn how he or she will stay connected to their children even as they live independently.
How to recover
If you've said the wrong thing to your loved one struggling with empty nest syndrome, remember that you’re human and can make mistakes. A child growing up and moving out of the house is often seen as a normal, happy event so it’s easy to miss the complex emotions parents feel. If your loved one has a partner or other important social roles, let them get settled first and give them space if they need it. If they are more alone or need your support, tell them you’re here to support them in any way they want.
Other suggestions
The empty nest is an opportunity for your loved one to get involved in life outside of their parenting role. Use this time to get reconnected in fun ways. For example, you can plan a trip, sign up for a class, or do some kind of sport or exercise together. You can also help your loved one discover ways to keep contributing to their friends, family or community through projects or other meaningful activities. If they are particularly attached to caregiving roles for example, you can volunteer together at a school or help family members with their kids. Finally, you can remind them of how important he or she is to you and revisit ways to bond that’s unique to your relationship.