What to Say: Long-Distance Relationships
Understand the realities of long-distance relationships.
Understand the realities of long-distance relationships.
Understand the realities of long-distance relationships.
What we'll cover
Plenty of cultural information exists about long-distance relationships, and much of it is negative. But is the stigma grounded in science? In this “What to Say,” we’ll cover the studied realities of long-distance relationships, what to say to your loved one when they tell you about theirs and what minefields to avoid in your conversation with them.
What it is
Long-distance relationships (LDRs) are complicated. Large sections of academic studies are spent trying to differentiate LDRs from geographically close relationships (GCRs). LDRs can be defined by the distance between a couple. It could indicate that a couple, due to work commitments or other requirements, maintain separate residences or do not see each other daily.
Long-distance relationships have little difference from geographically close relationships. A 2015 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy surveyed both those in LDRs and GCRs and found those in LDRs did not report lower relationship or sexual quality compared to their geographically close counterparts. The only clear difference between LDRs and GCRs lies in idealization. LDRs create an environment where it is easy to idealize your partner, pushing their negative qualities to the background and focusing on their positive traits. This idealization can be harmful to relationships.
But idealization can also be complicated by the stigma associated with LDRs. As one participant noted in a 2017 study on LDRs, "The second I say I am in a long distance relationship I know people are judging and think neither of us is faithful so I tend to be over positive about the relationship just so people don't think I'm being stupid." The negative stigma against LDRs, which can complicate relationships, has been noted in much literature about this relationship model.
Long-distance relationships, in some way, may take more work than geographically close relationships. But these relationships are just as valid as any other and more common than you may think. Support your loved one through this relationship as you would any other.
What not to say
Those in LDRs can face negative stigma. We'll help you sidestep saying something that plays into the stigma. These potential questions and conversation starters are ones to avoid.
"You guys are good together, but with the distance? It won't last."
Why it doesn't work: The stigma against LDRs is a struggle for those in one. As we explained above, this stigma has no scientific basis. Don't be a negative or uninformed voice. Be as excited for your loved one as you would be if they were in a geographically close relationship.
"That's not a long distance relationship!"
Why it doesn't work: Although a relationship may not seem long distance to you, it may feel that way to those in it. Rather than litigating what is or is not a LDR, focus on the relationship your friend is in presently. Listen to your friend and acknowledge the realities of their specific relationship.
"When are you going to visit next?"
Why it doesn't work: Although this seems supportive on its face, being in a LDR can be an expensive proposition. Your friend may want more face-to-face time with their partner, but that may not be possible for a host of reasons (financial, logistical, etc.). Don't put pressure on them.
"Well, are they going to move to you?"
Why it doesn't work: Let your friend work out the logistics of their relationship, without you putting a timetable on it. Remember that those in LDRs are no more likely than those in geographically close relationships to end their relationships. Let your friend tell you about the logistics of their relationship, rather than demanding they transform their relationship.
"Are they faithful? Are you?"
Why it doesn't work: If this isn't a question you'd ask about a GCR, it is an inappropriate question to ask someone in an LDR. Long-distance relationships are not so different from geographically close relationships, and this includes rates of fidelity and sexual satisfaction.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Long-distance relationships are just as stable and valid as geographically close relationships. These conversation starters will help your friend know that you're a safe space to discuss their relationship, even in the face of cultural stigma.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"That's so great! Tell me everything! What do you two chat about?"
Why it works: This type of conversation starter indicates that you are supportive of the relationship. It also indicates that you understand that, despite the geographical distance, the couple can have emotional intimacy and shared interests.
"Congrats! How long have you been seeing one another?"
Why it works: This type of conversation starter, like the one above, treats your friend's LDR like any other relationship. It doesn't play into any negative misconceptions about LDRs.
"Congrats! How'd you meet?"
Why it works: The most important note to talk about your friends' new LDR is to acknowledge how similar it is to every other relationship your friend has been in. By conveying your excitement and asking all the questions you'd normally ask, you're indicating that you see your friend's relationship like any other.
How to recover
If you've played into negative stigma about LDRs and said the wrong thing, the best thing to do is apologize. Now that you've learned more about LDRs, you're aware that any stigma was cultural rather than scientific. Consider why you said something hurtful about your loved one’s long-distance relationship. What made you want to rain on your loved one’s parade? Reflect on what made you say the hurtful thing before you apologize to your loved one.
Other suggestions
If your loved one is in a long-distance relationship, there are many ways to show you support their relationship. Ask your loved one about their partner, just as you would a partner who lives close by. If your loved one wants to go visit their partner, consider giving them a travel-themed gift, like a nice bag or luxury neck pillow. You can also give them cash towards their travel fund for their birthday. Stay as interested in your loved one’s long-distance relationship as you would in any other relationship, and you’re sure to make your loved one feel appreciated.