What to Say: Loss of a Loved One
Supporting a grieving person is more than just words.
Supporting a grieving person is more than just words.
Nathaniel Glanzman
Reviewer URLSupporting a grieving person is more than just words.
What we'll cover
Grief is a universal experience. Humans and animals alike grieve for those they’ve lost. But despite its universality, grief can be very hard to discuss. In this “What to Say” guide, we'll discuss grief and losing a loved one, including its stages and effects on the grieving. We'll also cover what not to say to someone grieving, what to say and other ways to show your support.
What it is
Grief is part of life, but that makes it no less difficult. In her book The Year of Magical Thinking, Joan Didion said, "A single person is missing for you, and the whole world is empty." Grief can be an isolating and life-changing experience.
The best thing for grief is time, but the support of loved ones is essential. In her 1969 book On Death and Dying, Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross broke down grief into five discrete stages. Her model changed how we popularly think of grief and dying.
Kübler-Ross Model
The Kübler-Ross model developed through studying the terminally ill coming to grips with their own mortality. While the model has critics (mainly for creating an idea that grief "ends”), it is one of the most popular ways to understand grief.
— Denial: The grieving may avoid talking about their sadness.
— Anger: Externalizing their pain, the grieving may blame others or themselves for the death of their loved one.
— Bargaining: This stage of grief is about seeking control. Those grieving focus on avoiding dying in the same way their loved one did, or overthinking.
— Depression: This may be the easiest stage to see. The grief-stricken may be unable to leave bed, cry frequently, or be unable to experience joy.
— Acceptance: The grief-stricken knows the person they loved was gone and focuses on moving forward with that void in their life.
The science of grief
Grieving puts stress on your body and is associated with increased health risks. A study published in the journal Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, showed that cortisol (the "stress hormone") remained elevated in grieving patients for six months after the death of a loved one. Heightened cortisol levels are associated with heart issues, including high blood pressure and heart disease.
Using drugs and alcohol to cope with a loss can also affect the health of the bereaved. A study from the University of Georgia of the bereaved correlated binge drinking in young men with a recent loss.
In an interview with Minneapolis Public Radio, Mary-Frances O'Connor, a professor of psychology at the University of Arizona and author of The Grieving Brain, said that grief is a learning process. The bereaved brain needs to rewire, to recognize that their loved one is gone. Grief isn’t about “getting over” a loss, but adjusting to the reality of that loss. Grief is not a singular experience, with a distinct beginning and end.
What not to say
When you support a grieving person, you are helping someone learn a new way of living. The bereaved need support through both the immediate trauma of that loss and the longer period of grieving, when the bereaved learns how to live around the void of someone who was a vital support to them.
“Call me if you need anything!”
Why it doesn't work: During bereavement, a person may struggle to keep up with daily tasks. Do not put the burden of support onto the bereaved person. Check in with them, rather than the other way around. Offer to help them in tangible ways, like bringing them a hot meal or making sure their laundry gets done.
“They’re in a better place!”
Why it doesn't work: There are many problems with pat phrases like this. You can't be sure that the bereaved has the same ideas about death and an afterlife that you share. And cliches, while kindly meant, can shut down a conversation. They can signal to the other person that you are done having the conversation, even though this may not be your intent. Focus on listening instead.
“How'd they die?”
Why it doesn't work: Asking the cause of death is often considered rude. If the bereaved wants to share this information with you, they will. Focus on the person in front of you. Don't get caught up in your own anxieties about mortality.
"I know it is sad, but it’s important to move on."
Why it doesn't work: Grief is a learning process. There is simply no “moving on.” Grief doesn’t happen on a schedule that is predictable or convenient. This kind of talk minimizes the loss and gives the other person a deadline for their emotions.
What to say
Now that you have a better understanding of grief and losing a loved one, here are some affirming statements you might use with the people in your life.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I am here for you."
Why it works: Your physical presence can be a comfort to the bereaved. Be present with them and listen. People may avoid the bereaved due to their own discomfort with death, so your presence will be appreciated.
“Tell me some stories about your loved one.”
Why it works: Allow the bereaved to discuss the happy memories of the one they lost. This sort of conversational opener lets the bereaved know that you aren't afraid to discuss the person they love.
How to recover
It is good to know why you said the wrong thing before you go about trying to fix it. For example, perhaps, you’re emotionally burnt out from being a main source of support for a grieving person. How can you regain your emotional equilibrium so you can be there for your friend? Perhaps, call other people to “tag in” while you take some time to yourself.
If you just said the wrong thing because you didn’t know what to say, don’t worry. You still have time to make things right. Rather than pressing a grieving person into an emotionally fraught apology, show them that you can show up for them. Engage in other forms of support, like those listed below.
Other suggestions
Being a good listener to a bereaved person is wonderful, but being present and engaged with them is better. Here are some suggestions of things to do:
— Pick up tasks for the bereaved that they may be unable to do themselves, like grocery shopping or making them a meal.
— Check in frequently. Don’t make your loved one feel forgotten.
— Stay true to your commitments to the bereaved. Don't promise to do something and not follow through.
— Prioritize healthy distraction for your bereaved person. Incorporate movement into your activities. Movement helps refocus the mind and offsets the heightened cortisol levels that come with the stress of grieving.
Something I did when my friend was grieving was create a "Happiness Box." I collected encouraging letters and comforting items from friends and gathered them together in a decorated box. The bereaved person receives a physical representation of the love of their friends, and can reach for comfort when they don't have the capacity to reach out.