What to Say: Loss by Suicide
Support your friend or loved one as they navigate grief from loss due to suicide.
Support your friend or loved one as they navigate grief from loss due to suicide.
Nathaniel Glanzman
Reviewer URLSupport your friend or loved one as they navigate grief from loss due to suicide.
What we'll cover
Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences in life, but losing a loved one to suicide can be especially devastating. When a friend or family member has lost a loved one to suicide, it can be hard to know how to offer support through a tragedy that has no easy fixes or solutions.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll explain what suicide is and how it impacts someone’s grief. We will also suggest what to say and what not to say when you are supporting your friend or family member who has lost someone important to suicide.
What it is
Suicide is one of the leading causes of death in the United States. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, in 2020, 12.2 million American adults had serious thoughts of dying by suicide. According to the 2020 National Survey on Drug Use and Health, 1.2 million adults attempted suicide, and more than 44,000 people died by suicide in the year 2020.
Suicide is defined as someone dying from an act with the intention to die. Although some mental health disorders such as depression, anxiety or post-traumatic stress disorder can also increase someone’s risk of suicide, there is no one specific cause or reason why someone would kill themselves.
Someone taking their own life is often a sudden, unexplained traumatic experience that has ripple effects on large communities of friends, family members, coworkers and neighbors. For every one person who dies by suicide, at least 135 people may be affected by the loss and must grieve.
The impact of grief
Grief is an emotional process we go through when we lose someone or something important to us. We may think that grieving is a period of intense sadness, but it can be more complex. People who are grieving often experience a range of emotions. These emotions can come in waves or last for long periods of time. The important part to remember is that there is no one “right” way to grieve and everyone’s grieving process is unique.
Grieving a loss from suicide can come with its own particular difficulties. Discovering that a loved one killed themself can be extremely distressing, which can lead to an initial state of shock and symptoms of trauma afterward (e.g. nightmares, intrusive memories, persistent negative emotions). People who were close to the deceased often wonder why they would kill themselves or if there was anything that could have prevented it.
If people struggle to cope with a suicide, they may be at risk for developing a psychological disorder called complicated grief or “persistent complex bereavement disorder.” A person with complicated grief is stuck in their negative emotions and is unable to function in everyday life or engage in meaningful activities. Support from other loved ones is crucial for avoiding this and promoting healthy grieving.
What not to say
Remember that you’re there to support your loved one’s grieving process, so avoid engaging them in ways that would keep them stuck, like focusing on why the person killed themselves, suggesting there is a “right” way to grieve or suppressing the emotions altogether.
"Do you think you could have stopped it?"
Why it doesn't work: Loved ones of those who died by suicide are often plagued with questions about how much control or responsibility they had over the death. Sometimes, they will ruminate over what could have been done differently, if it was their fault, if the suicide could have been prevented in some way, etc. Those questions give them a false sense of control and sometimes don't allow them to accept and cope with the loss.
"Why do you think they did it?"
Why it doesn't work: People who’ve lost someone to suicide also want an explanation for why something like this happened. It may be a mystery why a person took his or her own life. Figuring out the causes unfortunately can’t change the past and might prevent the person from coping with the loss.
"It’s been a while since it happened. You should move on."
Why it doesn't work: Everyone grieves differently, and their grief may linger. You may want to see your loved one feel better quickly, but telling them they should just get over it and move on doesn’t really work. It may even make them feel ashamed or invalidated.
"Don’t think about it. Let’s do something else."
Why it doesn't work: You may want to cheer up your loved one by distracting them or helping them avoid their emotions. Avoiding emotions may work in the short-term, but it doesn’t get rid of them in the long-term. Engaging them in other activities is not necessarily wrong, but try not to do so with the intention of shutting down their emotions.
"They were selfish to kill themselves."
Why it doesn't work: Negative judgments or blaming the person who died (or any loved one’s in the deceased’s life) will be painful for your loved one. Remember that many people who are suicidal feel conflicted or guilty about their urges to die and work hard to avoid hurting themselves. Judgments about the person’s character or decision may not be accurate and will only hurt your loved one.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you."
What to say
Knowing that everyone grieves differently, pay attention to what your loved one needs at any given moment. If they are open to it, offer your support by listening to them express their feelings or talk about the deceased. Remember that healthy grieving involves being patient, recognizing the loss and making space for any emotion that comes up.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"What do you need right now? How can I help you?"
Why it works: People often try to help by doing what they think is helpful, not what the person actually needs. By asking what your loved one needs, you are showing him or her that you are putting their feelings first. You are also showing them you understand that their needs may change, and you may need to offer your support in different ways at different times.
"What emotions have you been feeling these days?"
Why it works: Asking them this question gives your loved one the chance to talk about the range of emotions someone grieving may feel. It also gives them the opportunity to explore emotions they may feel ashamed about or are not aware of, such as feeling angry towards the person who died. Exploring the range of emotions is a healthy way to cope and will help them feel less alone.
"Tell me about them. What did you love about them? What did they mean to you?"
Why it works: It might feel scary to talk about the deceased, but if your loved one seems open to it, invite a conversation about them. Healthy grieving involves recognizing the full scope of the loss, such as the things about the deceased your loved one will miss or their importance in your loved one’s life. Most likely, your loved one will also be thinking about these things, so opening a conversation about it will show interest in these thoughts.
How to recover
Even though you may have the best intentions, at times you will say the wrong thing or something that will upset your loved one. Remember that you are human, and your loved one may be particularly sensitive during this time, especially in response to comments about their grieving process or the person who died. Read our guide for "What to Say: Apologies" for tips on how to repair the mistake. Then, acknowledge that this must be an extremely difficult time for your loved one, and you are here to help in any way they need.
Other suggestions
Supporting your loved one’s grieving process with open, empathetic conversations can be helpful, but you can also do so with action.
Honor the memory of the deceased with them.
How this helps: Every culture has ways of honoring death through rituals like social gatherings, funeral procedures, shrines, tokens, prayers, etc. Sometimes an action or physical item can symbolize grief in meaningful ways. Ask your loved one if there is a way they would like to honor the memory of the person with you, consistent with their religious or individual beliefs.
Remember that anniversaries can be hard.
How this helps: People may have a wave of grief during the same time of year they suffered a loss, sometimes even long after the loss happened. If you notice that your loved one seems “off” or upset during specific times of the year or at a time that is associated with that person (e.g. their birthday), ask how they’re doing and acknowledge that this may be a tough time for them.
Help them engage in activities that are meaningful to them.
How this helps: Even people who are still grieving can benefit from engaging in activities they value. If you don’t know already, ask your loved one what activities bring meaning to their lives and offer to do them together. It is important for your loved one to feel a sense of purpose or connection even when they are coping with something this difficult.