What to Say: Loss of a Partner
Losing a partner is losing a relationship that can’t be rekindled.
Losing a partner is losing a relationship that can’t be rekindled.
Renee Harleston
Reviewer URLLosing a partner is losing a relationship that can’t be rekindled.
What we'll cover
Losing a partner is one of the most devastating things one can experience. It can leave a person feeling alone, overwhelmed and uncertain about navigating their new reality. As a friend or loved one, it can be challenging to know what to say or do to support them.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll explore what to say, what not to say and how to recover from misspeaking. We’ll also delve into how the grief of losing a partner differs from other losses and offer tips on how to support your friend or loved one during this difficult time.
What it is
The loss of a partner can be distinctly different from experiencing the death of other loved ones due to the unique nature of the relationship. Losing a partner can mean losing a best friend, a confidant, a co-parent and a life partner. Additionally, partners often share a deeper emotional and physical intimacy than family members or friends, making the grieving process more complex and intense.
Furthermore, the logistics of losing a partner can also be overwhelming, including handling legal and financial matters, funeral and burial arrangements, and navigating the loss of income or shared responsibilities. Losing a partner can also impact the couple’s shared plans and goals.
For those who have lost a partner, grief can affect every aspect of one’s life, causing problems with eating, sleeping, focusing and remembering, among other side effects. Grief can create emotional turmoil clouding judgment and causing irritability, exhaustion, sobbing and isolation. Grieving people frequently think of the deceased, hear their voices, and feel guilty about various aspects of the death. They may also be more susceptible to physical illness, such as decreased immune cell activity and increased inflammatory reaction. Loss can worsen pre-existing medical conditions and increase the risk of hospitalization, hypertension and heart disease.
Being grief-informed
Losing a partner can be a unique and challenging experience requiring emotional support and understanding from friends and family. Being grief-informed may bring comfort or reassurance to your loved one, letting them know what they are feeling is a natural and normal process and they are not alone in their grief. It is essential to acknowledge the unique nature of the relationship and allow the grieving person to express their emotions authentically to their experience.
While they navigate their grief, loved ones might benefit mentally and emotionally with professional treatment. Miriam Nkrumah, licensed therapist and founder of Vesta Healing Psychotherapy, says seeking a therapist can help them “unpack the many emotions they’re going to be feeling.” She also recommends a grieving person seek out a support group and “be around other people who are experiencing what they’re experiencing.”
What not to say
Grieving the loss of a partner is a painful and personal experience. However, as part of your loved one’s support system, be mindful of what you say and how you say it. While your intentions may be well-meaning, specific comments can unintentionally cause more harm. In this section, we will explore some common phrases to avoid.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During challenging situations, your loved one will appreciate any reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
"You’ll find someone to love again someday.”
Why it doesn't work: This statement may be insensitive and dismissive of their feelings and communicate that you believe they should move on. Grieving is a process that takes time, and this statement invalidates their emotions and unique connection with their partner. Additionally, finding love again may not be a priority for them anytime soon. They should be allowed to grieve in their own way, at their own pace, and without pressure to move on.
"At least they're in a better place."
Why it doesn't work: This statement dismisses the pain or sadness your loved one may be feeling. It implies their grief is invalid, and they should be happy that their partner is no longer suffering. This can be incredibly hurtful and make your loved one feel guilty for mourning their loved one's passing. Also, everyone has different beliefs about the afterlife, and not everyone may believe their loved one is in a "better place." For some people, the concept of an afterlife may not bring comfort, and they may find the statement insensitive or offensive.
"I know how you feel."
Why it doesn't work: Everyone's grief is unique and personal. While you may have also experienced a loss, and even if you’ve experienced losing a partner, your loved one still has an individual experience of grief. This statement may make your loved one feel unheard. Acknowledge and validate their feelings, and give them the space to feel however is needed.
"Everything happens for a reason."
Why it doesn't work: This statement suggests that your loved one’s grief is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. It implies that the loss was predetermined and inevitable, which is likely not true or can be difficult for someone to accept. It is better to offer words of comfort and support. Acknowledge the person's pain and express your sympathy for their loss rather than offering platitudes that may be well-intentioned, but ultimately unhelpful.
"At least they lived a long life."
Why it doesn't work: It's important to remember age doesn't necessarily make the loss any easier to bear, and this statement can minimize your loved one’s emotions. It might be true that their partner lived a long life, but that doesn't make the loss any less significant or devastating. Moreover, the grieving person may feel the length of their partner's life doesn't matter when they still miss them profoundly and wish they were still alive.
What to say
Losing a partner can be an overwhelming and deeply emotional experience for anyone. As friends or family members, it's natural to want to offer comfort and support during this difficult time. When speaking with someone who has lost their partner, empathy, compassion and understanding are essential. This section will focus on helpful and comforting things you can say.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary, and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved ones.
"I can't imagine what you're going through, but if there's anything I can do to help, please let me know."
Why it works: This statement acknowledges that you may not fully understand the grieving person's experience, but you are willing to offer support and help in any way you can. It shows empathy and compassion and lets the person know you are there for them. There is no right or wrong way to feel in the aftermath of a loss. You can help your loved one navigate the grieving process and feel less alone by offering your support and assistance.
"Your partner was a wonderful person and will be greatly missed."
Why it works: This statement acknowledges the importance of the partner who has passed away. It also provides comfort by helping your loved one know they are not alone in their sadness and their partner’s life impacted other people in the world. It shows you recognize the significance of their partner's life and supports their feelings.
How to recover
According to Nkrumah, the best thing you can do or say if you say the wrong thing is to “name it.” It’s essential to let your loved one know you may not know what to do and may make a mistake.
“I think it’s important to be able to communicate that… name it and be honest,” she says. Reassure your loved one that you want to be there for them and may not always get it right.
Other suggestions
Here are some additional ways you can support someone who has lost a partner through action, not just words:
— Be present: One of the most important things to do is be there for the person. Let them know you're there to support them and are willing to listen.
— Offer practical help: Losing a partner can be overwhelming, so offer practical support, such as preparing meals, helping with household chores or running errands.
— Create a safe space: Widowed individuals may be hesitant to express their feelings or share their memories of their partner. Create a non-judgmental and safe environment where the widower feels comfortable expressing themselves.
— Encourage self-care: Losing a partner can cause stress and anxiety, so encourage self-care. This can include encouraging healthy eating, exercise and getting enough rest.
— Recognize milestones: Recognize essential dates such as anniversaries, birthdays, or holidays, and offer support on those days.