What to Say: Loss of a Pet
Losing a pet can lead to its own complex version of grief.
Losing a pet can lead to its own complex version of grief.
Losing a pet can lead to its own complex version of grief.
What we’ll cover
Losing a pet is a multi-layered, deeply traumatic event that affects a person’s day-to-day life. This type of loss may bring up emotions other than grief and even damage one’s sense of purpose. In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll examine how to best comfort or support someone who is experiencing the loss of a beloved pet.
What it is
According to the Humane Society of the United States, “Caregivers often celebrate their pets’ birthdays, confide in their animals, and carry pictures of them. So when a beloved pet dies, it's not unusual to feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your sorrow.” That’s because for many, a pet is a member of one’s immediate family—a living being well known to friends and relatives whose care was dependent on the companions with whom they openly and freely shared their home.
Pet grief largely presents in much the same way as if one were grieving a family member. In some instances, as referenced in one study, pet bereavement can at times be even more profound due to compounded feelings of guilt or shame. A much-cited case in the New England Journal of Medicine in October 2017 further reinforces the depth of this bereavement, recounting a woman who suffered a heart attack from “broken heart syndrome” after the passing of her dog. “Broken heart syndrome” is a physical condition that can be brought on by extreme emotions that reduces blood flow to the heart’s arteries and affects how the heart pumps blood, manifesting in chest pain, shortness of breath, or worse.
Scientific American estimates that the acute grief that follows the loss of a pet in most cases lasts one to two months, but symptoms persist for up to a full year. After that, it is not uncommon for those feelings to be brought back up or echo through a person’s life.
Nuances of pet grief
Just because losing a pet opens a similar depth of sorrow as the loss of a person doesn’t mean it’s the same. All grief is different and, as the American Veterinary Medical Association reminds us, can’t—and shouldn’t—be ranked. However, there are several contexts that make the passing of a pet especially difficult to get through.
For instance, those who rely on their pet as a service or emotional support animal have a unique bond and symbiosis to their relationship. The Humane Society of the United States notes that losing a pet is not infrequently a child’s first experience with death. Their experts also say that it can be particularly hard for seniors since “a pet’s death may also trigger painful memories of other losses and remind caregivers of their own mortality.”
Those who live alone may feel a loss of purpose and immense emptiness. Scientific American says that a loss of the routines so inherent to pet ownership is also heavily impactful and traumatic. The American Veterinary Medical Association says that “self-identity may come from being a pet owner,” and adjusting to a pet-less status can be challenging.
Grief for a pet can become especially crippling when layered with the shame and embarrassment of the severity of the heartbreak. There is a lack of societal mechanisms for social and community support, such as time off from work, during this kind of loss. These emotions can easily turn into “disenfranchised grief,” which is grief for a loss outsiders may deem as too small or distant to justify significant mourning. Plus, Veterinarian and Resurgence Veterinary Mobility founder Cara McNamee, DVM, says, “It can get complicated. [...] As pet owners, we often have a choice in how our pets’ lives end, so there can be an added sense of responsibility and sadness about whether it was the right time, as well as the difficulty of consciously making that choice.”
The many complicated feelings to unpack when one loses a pet makes it all the more critical to know what to say and how to say it when trying to support a loved one during this difficult time.
What not to say
It’s important to be delicate when trying to console someone who is mourning what may have technically been an animal companion, but in truth, was so much more than that. Here are some attitudes and platitudes you’ll want to avoid.
”It’s just an animal.”
Why it doesn’t work: Across medical studies, journals, and articles backed by medical and veterinary organizations, there is much proof that, emotionally, a pet who shares a home with their caretakers is never “just” an animal. In a study from the journal OMEGA - Journal of Death and Dying using formally accredited pet bereavement counselors as their primary subjects, it was revealed that “owners’ wellbeing was affected by perceived dismissive attitudes.” Your loved one may feel as if you are minimizing their loss, which could be hurtful.
"At least they’re not suffering anymore."
Why it doesn't work: Death can come on suddenly. It is unsafe to assume that the animal was doing poorly. This can also cause people to feel that they didn’t do right by their pet, forcing them to question if they made their companion suffer unnecessarily. McNamee says, “It can still be really hard to objectively assess their quality of life, which is why I also try to avoid telling people that they’ll know when it’s time to let their pet go. Every pet is different.” If the condition of their health prior to their passing is unknown, it’s best to avoid this phrase.
”Well, he/she was old; it was their time.”
Why it doesn’t work: No matter how much time we have with our loved ones, it will never feel like enough. Pet owners are usually grateful for the limited years they were able to share with their animals, but usually wish they had more, even if the pet lived beyond their life expectancy and their sunset days were difficult. “Instead, try saying something like, ‘I know it feels like you didn’t have enough time with them,” suggests McNamee. This statement will always be true and acknowledges the grieving owner in an empathetic way.
"Why don’t you get another pet?"
Why it doesn't work: Much like individual people, pets are not interchangeable. They’re part of their owners’ everyday life, and seeing another animal in their departed pet’s place or with their possessions can be hard. It may even feel like a betrayal.
Beyond emotions, there are practical aspects to consider. If the pet was sick, they may not have the financial ability to care for a new animal. The Humane Society says for seniors, the decision to get another pet can be complicated by the possibility that the pet may outlive the caregiver, which may then push to the forefront an uncomfortable reckoning with their mortality.
”At least now you have one less thing to be responsible for.”
Why it doesn’t work: If the pet was not in the best of health toward the end of their journey, their caretaker might have felt the weight of their role. However, while there may be a certain sense of relief, it’s important to understand that they took on that burden willingly and with love. They may have valued the sense of purpose those responsibilities gave them and considered free time and recreation a sacrifice they made gladly. By showing that you view the pet as an impediment to their life and leisure, you risk hurting and offending your grieving loved one since they will be feeling immensely sensitive about how others felt about their lost companion.
"This reminds me of when my pet died."
Why it doesn't work: It’s a natural reaction for some people to empathize by sharing their own experiences. However, turning their grief into an opportunity to redirect the conversation to your own experiences and feelings may take away from their ability to focus on their own emotions and mourn.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Before you speak, consider couching your response “to comfort the grieving owner better,” advises McNamee. Framing your sympathy in a helpful way is impactful when supporting a loved one who has lost a pet.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
”I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Why it doesn’t work: This may be a generic statement, but in the face of loss, there often isn’t much more one can say. It acknowledges that a life they cared deeply about is gone and that they are right to grieve it. As a classic response, it is equally appropriate for a pet as it is for a person—which is often how the owner considers their companion anyway.
"I know how much you loved [pet’s name]."
Why it doesn't work: The love between a pet and their owner often deepens with time, and the legacy of love is typically the most important one they hope remains. Reinforcing that their love was apparent can help quell any doubts they might feel about if it was actually “their time.” As they reflect on the life they shared, this statement can encourage recollection of happy memories while subconsciously easing any guilt they may be experiencing. Finally, using the pet’s name in your response shows that you too, cared for a friend that meant so much to them, and viewed that animal as an individual.
”You gave [pet name] a wonderful, happy life.”
Why it doesn’t work: The Humane Society says, “Caregivers may feel guilt about what they did or did not do” no matter their emotional or financial investment. Saying this assures them that they were a good and responsible owner that "did their best… and that it was enough," says McNamee.
"Would you like to tell me about [pet name]?"
Why it doesn't work: The American Veterinary Medical Association says “moving toward the pain” is “a healthier grief journey” since “memories allow pets to live on in you.” Talking about the good times can help the pet’s owner remember them, and while they may cry in the telling, they will also cherish the memories and feel gratitude for your interest. However, being able to talk about their lost friend may be hard, especially if the loss was very recent. Making it a gentle leading question gives them a choice.
Other suggestions
If they live on their own with their beloved pet as their sole companion, it can be immeasurably painful to adjust to life without their best friend. “The lack of their presence—the silence—can be piercing … creat[ing] a flood of emotion,” the American Veterinary Medical Association warns. It may be helpful to provide a safe harbor for them to escape to if the emptiness becomes too much of an abyss. In this case, invite the bereaved person to join you for a quiet activity outside of your home—one that is lower energy and won’t require them to put on a happy façade.
When spending time with your loved one during this sensitive period, let them cry and give them the grace to grieve. You might also suggest pet loss support groups nearby, bereavement counseling or calling a grief support hotline.
It may be painful for the bereaved person to visit with another pet for some time, so be sure to respect that boundary and avoid pushing them. But if and when they indicate that they may find comfort in being among the type of animal they have lost, you can encourage them to volunteer at a local shelter at first, and maybe become a foster down the road. Later, they may also consider getting another pet. Make sure they are making the decision independently and with a clear mind, outside of your—or anyone else’s—influence.
“Everyone’s grief process is different, and while it may be the right thing for some people to get a new pet, it definitely isn’t for others. Welcoming a new pet could be helpful in processing grief, or it could make things worse,” McNamee says.
If they do ultimately decide they are ready for another furry companion, encourage them to strongly consider adoption and become a part of breaking the puppy mill, backyard breeding and feral cat cycle. Offer to visit the local animal shelter with them or to find them the right animal rescue group if they are looking for something specific. Then, celebrate with them as they provide a wonderful home to yet another deserving animal.