What to Say: Loss of Money
Learn about the common issue of financial hardship and the practical steps you can take to support those you love.
Learn to support others through financial hardship.
Learn to support others through financial hardship.
What we'll cover
Sudden financial hardship can happen to anyone. Job loss, illness, divorce or natural disaster can cause financial repercussions that carry on for months or years. In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll discuss financial realities in the United States and how finances can impact overall health. We’ll also tell you what to say and what not to say to your friend experiencing financial hardship.
What it is
Financial worries plague a majority of Americans. According to a 2022 Gallup poll, 40% of Americans worry about having enough money to cover the bills each month.
It is not surprising U.S. citizens have money concerns. According to data from the U.S. Census, in 2020, 23% of all U.S. renters spent at least half of their income on monthly rent. And according to the Consumer Finance Protection Bureau (CFPB), somewhere from 17.8% to 35% of Americans have unpaid medical debt. Approximately 1 in 5 Americans have student loans. The U.S. Department of Agriculture reports 10.2% of Americans experienced some level of food insecurity in 2021. Food insecurity means households experienced some level of disruption in their ability to meet their food needs.
Financial consequences
These financial woes have consequences, even outside of those we think are directly related to money. A 2021 study of those who experienced family financial stress in their middle age reported higher levels of physical pain in their later years. Researchers theorized the lack of control a person experiences during financial hardship related to escalating pain.
A 2022 study found those who were unmarried, unemployed, in lower income brackets, and non-homeowners experienced greater psychological distress than their coupled, high-earning and home-owning counterparts. This research supports “social stress theory,” which posits disadvantaged people are exposed to a greater number of stressors than their more advantaged counterparts. This exposure can negatively impact health outcomes across the board.
Financial worries frequently affect the most vulnerable among us. Younger cancer patients have a higher risk of bankruptcy than their adult counterparts or people without cancer, for example. The National Council on Aging reports more than 15 million Americans over the age of 65 are economically insecure. These Americans live off the poverty level of $25,760 per year or less for a single-person household.
When supporting someone going through financial hardship, it is important to keep in mind the realities of the situation. Financial hardship is stressful. It is also common. Anyone can fall victim to money troubles, even if they’ve done everything “right.” It is important to avoid placing a value judgment on your loved one because they’ve fallen on hard times.
What not to say
Money is a touchy subject. As a society, we often apply value to people with it and devalue those without it. When loved ones are experiencing financial hardship, it can be hard to figure out what to say. We’ll help you avoid getting off on the wrong foot.
"It'll be OK."
Why it doesn't work: There are no guarantees in life, and you can’t truly be sure that it will all pan out for your loved one. While you may be trying to comfort your loved one, phrases like this can read as dismissive. It can shut down, rather than open up, a conversation about your loved ones’ stress.
“Yeah, same. I have to stop eating out for every meal.”
Why it doesn't work: Unless you’re sure of your loved one’s financial situation, it isn’t always the best to try to commiserate with your own money woes. If your money concerns aren’t comparable to those of your loved one, your attempts to relate may feel awkward, forced or insensitive.
“You should… stop eating out/invest in this stock/use the bus instead of driving/get a new job.”
Why it doesn't work: Most of us have some level of financial literacy. Most financial hardship isn’t about financial literacy, but rather the high costs of poverty. Offering unsolicited financial advice can imply your loved ones’ financial woes are borne of incompetence. Don’t offer advice unless asked for it specifically.
"Can you afford that?"
Why it doesn't work: Research shows people in positions of financial hardship are judged by their possessions and purchasing decisions. A person at a lower income level is judged for purchasing necessary or unnecessary items in ways those with higher incomes are not. Don’t be another negative voice. Trust your loved one is making financial decisions that make sense for them.
"That sucks!"
Why it doesn't work: This isn’t a bad place to start, but it shouldn’t end here. You are only acknowledging financial hardship is difficult. You are cutting off the conversation. Ask what you can do to help. Offer to be an ear to listen. Ask your loved one what you can do to help them during this time.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that we’ve covered what not to say, here are some conversation starters that can help you begin this difficult conversation.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“I’m so sorry. That’s so difficult. I really appreciate you telling me this. Is there anything I can do for you right now?”
Why it works: This acknowledges the difficulty of the situation. It also does not apply blame to the person experiencing financial hardship. Additionally, by saying you appreciate getting this information, you are letting your loved one know you understand how hard it can be to tell someone about your financial situation. Finally, you ask if your loved one needs specific help at this moment.
“I’m so sorry you’re facing this situation. Can I… help you connect with someone in my industry/make you dinner/help organize your closet/babysit sometime this week?”
Why it works: As with many situations in life, showing up is the best thing you can do. If you live nearby, offer to make your friend dinner or help babysit so your loved one can have a night away from their worries. Come over and help declutter. If they’ve lost a job and you know someone in their industry, now might be the time to connect them to your professional network. Offering help, in any form, will let your loved one know you are someone on whom they can rely.
How to recover
If you’ve said something insensitive, the best way to resolve the situation is to be better at showing up. Have you faced financial hardship in the past? What helped you during that situation? Write a list of things others have done for you that helped you through a similar time in your own life. Offer to do any or all of those things for your loved one.
Other suggestions
If you are in a position to do so, you may offer to take on some tasks related to your loved one’s financial situation. The CFPB has a list of items one should do when facing financial hardship. Sit with your loved one, and write a list of items they may need to do, like contacting lenders. If you are particularly financially literate or organized, you may offer to help organize their financial documents or call institutions with them one day, if just to sit through the hold music for them.
If your loved one is searching for financial assistance, Benefits.gov has a comprehensive list of government-provided financial programs.