What to Say: Making New Friends
We’ll help you tackle the unique challenges of making friends as an adult.
Tackle the unique challenges of making friends as an adult.
Tackle the unique challenges of making friends as an adult.
What we'll cover
Making friends is one of the first skills you learn as a child when entering the schoolyard. But as we age, friendship—and how we make friends—also changes. Making friends is a skill most humans seek to hone for their entire lives.
In this What to Say guide, we’ll cover why people make friends, how long it takes to make a friend and tips for how you can make friends. We’ll also go over what to say and what to not say when trying to forge a new relationship.
What it is
Friendship is an important and unique relationship in the lives of humans. Across every modern society, one can find friendship. As Dr. Marisa G. Franco, author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—And Keep—Friends, wrote, “Friendship, then, is a rediscovery of an ancient truth we’ve long buried: it takes an entire community for us to feel whole.” Friendship is an outgrowth of longstanding human tendencies towards community.
Friendship, like community, is a broad category which encompasses many different types of relationships. Friendship, as a category, can be used to define your closest confidants and the guy in the office with whom you’re most likely to grab coffee. People intrinsically understand these categories when seeking friends. One University of Nicosia study of Greek adults defined the reasons to seek friendship into five categories: support, socializing, mating, desirable traits, and career advancement. We can make friends for the purest purposes (having someone with whom to share) and the most opportunistic (having someone potentially helpful for future career goals).
How to make friends
But how does one make a friend? As we noted in our article on keeping in touch, making friends in adulthood is harder than doing so in adolescence or childhood. Proximity, a key indicator of friendship, is harder to find in adulthood. Adults are most frequently in proximity with those with whom they work. This environment may make it difficult to find the other key component of friendships: shared interests.
Adult friendships require deliberate action, not unlike dating. Just like in romantic relationships, friendships tend to form quickly and intensely. In several studies, researchers found friendships develop within three to nine weeks of meeting with close relationships developing within three or four months.
Jeffrey A. Hall, a professor from the University of Kansas, put a finer point on it, calculating it down to hours. He concludes that the best chance to turn an acquaintance into a casual friend occurs if you spend 43 hours together in the first three weeks of meeting. To make a close friend, Hall determines you need to spend 119 hours together over three weeks or 219 hours over three months. As Hall notes, these kinds of time constraints can be hard and he notes the importance of everyday communication, with regular catching up increasing friendship closeness.
Where to make friends
Armed with the knowledge that proximity, shared interests and regular communication create close friendships, the question then becomes: where do adults make friends? The best way to find people like yourself is to dive into your own interests.
Take note of things occurring in your neighborhood and how they align with your interests. If you’re a runner, join a local running group. If you love museums, pick up a local museum membership and attend as many events as you can. If you care about a specific cause, consider becoming a volunteer with a local non-profit. These are all ways to find other people who share both your interests and your zip code.
A hard part of making new friends in adulthood is overcoming the awkwardness of being direct. Friendship in adulthood requires taking out the calendar and setting up time. Don’t be afraid to be the one to set the date.
According to a survey from the Harvard Graduate School of Education, 36% of respondents “reported feeling lonely ‘frequently’ or ‘almost all the time or all the time’ in the prior four weeks.” Your to-be friend will be glad that you took the first step.
What not to say
Making new friends is hard to do, but there are some things you should avoid saying as you approach new people.
"Let’s hang out sometime!"
Why it doesn't work: This phrase has tanked many a nascent friendship. Rather than relying on chance (which is a bad way to make friendships), be specific. Set a specific intention to do a specific activity on a specific day. Otherwise, you’ll get caught in the loop of saying “we should hang out.”
"I’m the worst, but… can we reschedule?"
Why it doesn't work: People love to cancel plans. Instant communication, like texting, means flaking is easy. Fight against your instincts, and leave the house. You won’t be sorry that you did. Anticipatory anxiety, or the fear of an imagined future, is common. Push past it.
"We hung out last night. Free tonight?"
Why it doesn't work: It is good to spend time with new friends. Shared time is one way to cultivate closeness. But be sure not to overdo it. Just like with other relationships, you don’t want to appear too needy. Parcel out your hangs so you’re both feeling excited to see one another.
"And then I climbed Mount Everest. The next year I paraglided in France and then today I've been…"
Why it doesn't work: Friendships are about give and take. Self-disclosure (or the act of sharing about yourself) is an important part of building friendship, but it isn’t the only one. Be sure not to brag, and leave room for your new friend to tell you things about them. Don’t turn a dialogue into a monologue.
"I'm not interested in going to a baseball game/eating at that restaurant/seeing a play."
Why it doesn't work: You can’t make a new friend and only stick to old patterns. When making a new friend, don’t focus on what you aren’t willing to do. Focus on what new things you’d like to do. Take a risk. Attend an event you wouldn't normally. You may have fun and, at the very least, you’ll have a new memory together.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that you know what not to say, here are some conversation starters that can help you get the ball rolling.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"That’s so interesting! Can you tell me more? I’d love to go see that play/read that book/watch that movie/learn more about the Battle of Hastings."
Why it works: A key component to making friends is taking an interest. Ask your new friend questions about themselves, and be willing to take on new experiences. Developing a friendship is about trying new things. Be excited to step out of your comfort zone and meet new challenges with a new friend.
"Let’s hang out. When are you free? I’m free Thursday at 8pm, and I can make dinner reservations."
Why it works: Be the one to schedule a hang. Friendship opportunities get lost in the back-and-forth. Clearly state the times you are free and put something on the calendar. You need to make time for a new relationship. In setting firm plans, you show this relationship is important to you.
How to recover
The only way to lose a developing friendship (outside of a lack of compatibility) is by not reaching out. If you’ve lost touch in the hubbub of daily life, reconnect. Reaching out is valued by those we reach out to and something we consistently devalue in our own minds. Don’t worry about the time lost. If your new friend wants to continue the relationship, they’ll be happy to hear from you.