What to Say: Marriage
Celebrate the good, and avoid the pitfalls of assuming there is only one type of marriage.
Celebrate this new stage of your loved one's life.
Celebrate this new stage of your loved one's life.
What we'll cover
Marriage is a large life milestone that people choose (or avoid) for various reasons. In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll cover the reasons why people wed and share data on the state of marriage. We’ll also go over what not to say and what to say when someone tells you they are getting married.
What it is
Marriage is a formalized commitment of a romantic relationship that may occur with or without a traditional wedding. The reasons for marriage are as varied as those who marry. People who practice a religion may see marriage as a religious rite and a necessary step in furthering a relationship. For example, in Catholicism, marriage is part of one of the seven sacraments, the faith’s most important religious rites.
Non-religious people may also have good reasons to marry. There are economic ramifications to marriage. In the U.S., married couples receive greater tax benefits. They are also entitled to share health insurance benefits and more easily pool resources when making a large purchase (such as a house). There are legal protections for married couples, as well. For example, one can make medical decisions for an incapacitated spouse without power of attorney documents.
The good, the bad & the ugly
Note: We focused on long-term longitudinal and meta-analysis studies. These studies provide the most data. These studies were conducted solely using heterosexual married couples. Please keep this in mind.
The German Socio-Economic Panel was a longitudinal study conducted from 1984 to 2020 that followed 11,000 Germans. Economists Alois Stutzer and Bruno Frey used data from the study to answer one question: Does marriage make people happy, or do happy people marry? They concluded that those who divorce were less happy before marriage and less happy during marriage. Marriage is not a magic bullet for happiness.
Another study of U.S. couples, published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, found marital wellbeing tied to overall wellbeing. Married men and women report similar levels of satisfaction in marriage. The highest satisfaction was found in older married couples, who may have a smaller support system than younger married couples.
Bad marriages—ones where divorce is imminent or communication nonexistent—are more complicated to study. For example, those who self-report being in bad relationships attribute blame for negative aspects of their relationship and display less positive behavior. It is hard to untangle if bad relationships are caused by stressful lives or stressful lives create bad relationships. A meta-analysis of 126 published studies concluded that poorer marriage quality correlated with poorer health outcomes.
What not to say
There are many reasons to marry and many types of marriage. There are also numerous societal pressures to define marriage in a single way. Avoid the below phrases to bypass putting a damper on good news.
“Oh, wow! We thought it would never happen!”
Why this doesn’t work: There are many reasons people delay marriage. Milestones, such as marriage, are as self-created as anything else. This kind of response values a perceived timeline over the individual’s happiness. Not to mention, at the end of the day, it may be seen as just plain rude.
“So when are you having kids?”
Why this doesn’t work: Talk about jumping the gun! It is not your business if someone chooses to have children or not. And being married doesn’t mean that children are automatically on the horizon. These kinds of comments are seen as presumptuous.
“I didn’t see you as the marrying type.”
Why this doesn’t work: There is no certain "type" that marries, and marriage can look however you want it to. These kinds of comments can imply that there is one way to be married and one type of marriage. Let the person tell you what their marriage looks like, rather than assuming what it should be.
“What do your parents/relatives/mail carrier think?”
Why this doesn’t work: A marriage is about a couple, not the various people around the couple. This kind of response implies that someone else’s feelings about a marriage is more important than how those getting married feel.
“It feels like everyone is getting married these days.”
Why this doesn’t work: This boils your friend’s marriage down to a fad. Marriage is a weighty decision. People choose when to marry for a whole host of reasons. You don’t want to imply to your friend, just because you’ve seen an uptick in nuptials in your own life, that they are making a decision for others.
“Finally settling down!”
Why this doesn't work: There are many ways to define “settling down.” Marriage is one of them, but it isn’t the only way someone indicates that they’re moving into a new phase of their life. Don’t define what this announcement looks like for your loved one. Not to mention, if you’re talking to a friend who, in the sixth year of their relationship, decided to get married, this kind of statement can imply that you only see married couples as being in legitimate relationships. A relationship does not gain legitimacy just because it is now a marriage. It was legitimate the entire time.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Marriage is typically a happy event. These conversation starters highlight the joy of the occasion.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“Congrats!”
Why this works: Regardless of the reasons for one’s marriage, getting married is generally a happy time. You can safely assume that if someone got married and announced it, they’d like to celebrate with you.
“Oh, I’m so happy for you! I love [your partner] and the [joy] they bring to your life! I love that you’ve found someone that helps you [to relax] and gives you [space to work on your art].”
Why this works: A response like this shows that not only do you already see they are in a good relationship, but you understand what makes it good. Everyone loves hearing good things about their partner and now is the time to shower them in those compliments. Personalize your congratulatory thoughts to focus on what you like about your friend’s partner and why your friend’s relationship works. Detailed compliments about someone’s unique relationship will always be appreciated.
How to recover
If you’ve said the wrong thing, now might be a time to reflect on your own beliefs about marriage. The societal expectations we all hold around marriage may trip us up when we see a marriage that isn’t like our own or one we’ve seen before. It is always a good idea, when you’ve accidentally hurt someone, to look inwards.
What ideas have you picked up from society around marriage? What kind of marriage is your ideal, and why? By spending some time thinking over these kinds of questions, you may come to a deeper understanding of what makes a marriage. It is helpful, when responding to anything, to take a moment to step into someone else’s shoes.
We all carry biases and viewpoints that affect how we see things. Some of these are conscious, but a whole host of them are unconscious. By reflecting on your own inborn assumptions, you’ll be able to consciously acknowledge how your understanding of how marriage affects what you say to others about matrimony.
Other suggestions
When someone announces their marriage, it is a good time to potentially buy them a gift. Think about the couple and what they need. Couples who have lived together for a while may not need a new knife set, but may love a membership to their favorite museum. Get creative!