What to Say: Mass Shootings
How to talk about mass shootings and support those affected by collective trauma.
How to talk about mass shootings and support those affected by collective trauma.
Nathaniel Glanzman
Reviewer URLHow to talk about mass shootings and support those affected by collective trauma.
What we'll cover
Mass shootings are common in the United States, and it’s no longer unusual to know someone who has survived this type of traumatic event. However, it’s important to understand mass shootings impact not only the immediate victims, but also entire communities.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll discuss mass shootings and how they can impact individuals as well as wider communities. We’ll also go over what to say to someone who has been impacted by a mass shooting, and what to avoid saying when trying to support them.
What it is
While there isn’t full consensus on what qualifies as a mass shooting, independent not-for-profit research organization The Gun Violence Archives defines a mass shooting as any incident involving a firearm with a minimum of four victims shot, either injured or killed, excluding the shooter.
As of April 2023, The Gun Violence Archives has tracked at least 130 mass shootings in the United States. When compared to the European Union, the rate of death by gun violence is 22 times higher, per data from the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation. In some ways, mass shootings are a uniquely American phenomenon, resulting in part from legal and easy access to firearms and assault-style weapons. But these shootings don’t happen in a cultural vacuum and can’t simply be written off as solely a gun control issue.
Statistics on mass shootings
According to The Violence Project, a nonpartisan research group dedicated to reducing societal violence, nearly 98% of mass shootings are committed by men. Sometimes, these attacks are random, but often they are personally or ideologically motivated.
For example, in 2022, a white male mass shooter in Buffalo, NY targeted Black people and wrote a white supremacist manifesto leading up to the attack. In 2019, a different shooter targeted a Jewish synagogue in San Diego, CA and posted an antisemitic and racist open letter prior to the shooting. And in 2016, Pulse nightclub in Orlando, FL was attacked, and though official reports indicate the attack was not targeting the queer community, some family members of the shooter have suggested it may have been motivated by homophobia. In a 2022 report, the Anti-Defamation League's Center on Extremism found that “all the extremist-related murders in 2022 were committed by right-wing extremists of various kinds, who typically commit most such killings each year but only occasionally are responsible for all.”
Due to these factors, talking about gun violence and mass shootings has become a difficult, highly politicized issue. But what’s important to remember is that mass shootings are deeply traumatizing, preventable events. They impact not only the survivors and families of killed loved ones, but entire communities and the country as a whole.
Broader effects
Mass shootings are a type of collective trauma — a large-scale event that negatively impacts entire groups of people, communities or societies. Sometimes, collective trauma occurs around a single event, like a natural disaster, but other times, it can be long-term, as with the Covid-19 pandemic. And because mass shootings are so common, each event can accumulate onto existing trauma, eroding an individual’s or community’s sense of safety. Collective trauma can impact many people, regardless of whether or not they were directly exposed to a mass shooting.
Dr. Grant H. Brenner, a board-certified psychiatrist, psychotherapist and Chief Medical Officer at The Collective Integrated Behavioral Health, says trauma — and the high rates of mass shootings — impairs both physical and mental well-being, increasing the risk for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), acute stress disorder, major depressive disorder or anxiety disorders.
“Mass shootings worsen mental health for affected individuals and communities, and ongoing research continues to find similar association, including negative impact on children and adolescents, contributing to PTSD, anxiety, depression, substance abuse and suicide rates,” says Dr. Brenner. These mental health conditions, in addition to grief, can impact all facets of daily life.
What not to say
It can be extremely difficult to support someone impacted by mass shootings. Your loved one will need your patience, gentleness and support during this period. But it’s also very possible they will be unable to discuss their experiences with you for some time. Never pressure your loved one to talk before they are ready.
The following are examples of things to avoid saying when speaking with your loved one about mass shootings.
"Tell me about what happened. How did you survive?"
Why it doesn't work: This statement may seem like a conversation-starter, but this can actually be hurtful to your loved one, says Beth Gulotta, LMHC, owner and founder of NYC Therapeutic Wellness. “Someone will likely not have the tolerance to revisit the event or their emotions around the event. Asking them to do so can be retraumatizing,” she says. Especially in the immediate aftermath, your loved one should revisit the details of their trauma with a professional therapist, trauma specialist or counselor — someone who is properly able to guide them through potential retraumatization.
"I understand how you feel."
Why it doesn't work: This phrase can feel a little condescending or out-of-touch. Even if you can empathize with feelings of fear, horror and grief, your loved one’s experience is singular and horrifying in ways most people will never know. Simply put: you didn’t experience what they did, so you can’t understand how they’re feeling.
"It could have been worse."
Why it doesn't work: This phrase dismisses your loved one’s severe trauma and comes off as insensitive. For most people, experiencing a mass shooting is the worst moment of their lives. By dismissing their experience as “not as bad as it could have been,” you let your loved one know that you don’t take their pain seriously and imply their emotional reactions are unfounded or “over the top.” Instead, express empathy over what did happen, and keep your personal judgments about the situation to yourself.
"At least you’re alive."
Why it doesn't work: This phrase is not helpful because it may exacerbate feelings of survivor’s guilt in your loved one. Survivor’s guilt describes the guilt and regret people can experience for living through a life-threatening situation when others did not. Sometimes, people with survivor’s guilt feel they should have died in someone else’s place or that they should have done more to save others. Avoid any phrases that compare your loved one’s survival to others’ survival.
"Why were you there in the first place?"
Why it doesn't work: This question is a form of victim blaming, which implies a victim is at fault for the actions of others. This phrase also doesn’t make sense, as shooters often target populated areas like schools, concerts or grocery stores — normally safe places that people go to regularly as part of their everyday lives. Remember that the blame rests on the shooter, never your loved one.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that you have a better understanding of mass shootings, and phrases to avoid, here are some affirming phrases you might use instead.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"None of this was your fault."
Why it works: Affirmations that your loved one is not at fault can be very helpful if they are feeling survivor’s guilt. If your loved one is experiencing any sort of guilt or regret, let them know they did not deserve what happened to them, nor did any of the other victims. It can be helpful to also affirm that the shooter’s actions are causing the pain, guilt and regret they are feeling — not your loved one’s actions.
"The danger has passed."
Why it works: It’s not unusual for victims of mass shootings to struggle with feelings of being unsafe. If your loved one is triggered or feeling concerned about safety, phrases like this can help ground them in the moment. Let your loved one know they are in a safe location with you, both physically and emotionally.
"How can I support you?"
Why it works: Offering genuine help shows your loved one that they don’t have to deal with the fall out of trauma alone. If your loved one wants help but struggles to identify specific acts, name what you can offer. For example, you could drive them to (or pay for) regular therapy, complete their weekly grocery shopping, come to their home once a week for a visit, or go with them to populated places that may have caused them anxiety. These acts will help reestablish a sense of safety and consistency for your loved one, and help them maintain a quality of life over time.
How to recover
When navigating difficult conversations, it’s ok to make a mistake or say the wrong thing. In fact, it will probably take a period of trial and error for you and your loved one to figure out exactly how they need to be supported, what questions or phrases to avoid, and strategies you both need to use in order to maintain emotional connection and safety. If you say something that hurts your loved one, or comes across as insensitive, address it in the moment and apologize.
However, if your loved one becomes too emotionally activated, the priority should be calming them down and reestablishing safety, rather than continuing to talk or addressing the inciting comment. It’s very possible that a small comment — or even just broaching the subject of their experiences with a mass shooting — will trigger a panic attack, anxiety, or dissociation in your loved one.
If this is the case, ask if they need time alone to calm down, gentle physical touch (like a hug), or physical movement (like a walk or change of location). If your loved one is open to your efforts and willing to accept the repair, bring them water, and let them know you will ride out the trigger together. Then when you are both rested and ready, allow your loved one to tell you what happened and what they need from you should they get triggered again in the future.
Other sugggestions
Mass shootings aren’t just traumatic events—they are highly politicized. It can be easy to moralize the issue or press your loved one to affirm or agree with your political stance. But in reality, Brenner says expecting victims to talk politics, gun control or become “spokespeople” can further traumatize those impacted. Of course, the way your loved one engages with the meaning of mass shootings, governmental negligence and the cultural factors that radicalize shooters is up to them. But you should never force them to speak on these issues. Your job is to support the person and the decisions they make, not press decisions upon them.
However, you should absolutely educate yourself on mass shootings and the factors that play into them. Consider reading books like Trigger Points: Inside the Mission to Stop Mass Shootings in America by Mark Follman or The Violence Project: How to Stop a Mass Shooting Epidemic by By Jillian Peterson and James Densley. Likewise, you can support politicians who advocate for gun control (including bans on assault-style weapons, increased regulation of firearms, and universal background checks) in local, state, and national elections. These actions may be small, but they are a testament to the regard and solidarity you offer your loved one and the pain they experienced.