What to Say: Midlife Crisis
Midlife doesn’t have to mean crisis, but it’s a time for reflection and reevaluation.
Midlife doesn’t have to mean crisis, but it’s a time for reflection and reevaluation.
Renee Harleston
Reviewer URLMidlife doesn’t have to mean crisis, but it’s a time for reflection and reevaluation.
What we'll cover
A midlife crisis can be an extremely distressing time in a person’s life. There is no remedy for it, everyone's experience differs, and it can be a trying time for everyone involved.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll explore the experiences of someone going through a midlife crisis, the issues that may develop in one’s life and how to provide support. We’ll also discuss what to say, what not to say and how to help your loved one more effectively.
What it is
Known as the "afternoon of life" (a phrase created by Carl Jung), midlife has been the subject of extensive research in the United States thanks to Midlife in the United States (MIDUS), a longitudinal study investigating midlife development of social responsibility, health and mental wellness. A person's midlife occurs between 40 and 60 years of age, give or take a few years. However, midlife is not just based on their age, but also on the significant things that happen in a person’s life and their familial, professional and social roles.
Jen Berlingo, a licensed professional counselor and author of Midlife Emergence: Free Your Inner Fire, says that in midlife, “there is the seduction of the mystery. There’s a yearning for something more, something growth-producing and the desire to take more risks.” She also says that developmentally, it can be challenging because “pioneering and creating one's path is hard, and it's usually met with judgment or projection—internal or external.”
In 1965, psychoanalyst Elliott Jaques coined the phrase "midlife crisis" to describe sudden shifts in lifestyle and productivity during one’s midlife. Many researchers believe it is a myth and a cultural phenomenon encouraged by media tropes. However, research shows 10-20% of people experience a midlife crisis. A midlife crisis can cause a person to reevaluate their relationships, values and goals, leading to disillusionment and unhealthy coping methods.
Although, not everyone goes through a midlife crisis, those who do can get through it with the help of loved ones and therapists. Berlingo believes that “midlife doesn't need to be a crisis or an emergency,” so she chooses to “reframe it as a ‘midlife emergence’ because emergence means the process of coming into view or becoming exposed after being previously concealed.” She believes midlife is “where our most authentic versions of ourselves have the opportunity to be exposed and more visible in the world.”
Midlife crisis manifestations
A midlife crisis is a subjective experience that can manifest in many ways. It can be triggered by various factors, such as the realization that one's life has not turned out as expected, a sense of dissatisfaction with one's career or personal relationships, or a sense of lost youth and vitality. Additionally, a person experiencing a midlife crisis may feel restless, dissatisfied, or unfulfilled in their current situation and struggle to find meaning or purpose.
Compounded on this, a person experiencing a midlife crisis may become preoccupied with their appearance and feel that their physical attractiveness or vitality is declining. Also, a person experiencing a midlife crisis may engage in risky or reckless behavior, such as excessive drinking, drug use or infidelity. It is important to remember that not everyone goes through a midlife crisis, and those who experience one may not exhibit all of these behaviors.
The effects of midlife
Middle-aged adults are a "pivot" generation, meaning they are often taking care of their elderly parents while also supporting their grown children. This dual responsibility can have significant impacts on midlife adults' financial, emotional, and physical wellbeing, as well as on their relationships with their parents and their children. When adult children are no longer living at home, it can lead to empty nest syndrome, which can cause depressive symptoms during midlife. Those experiencing a midlife crisis may react differently to an empty nest, depending on their current situation, personality, coping skills and support structures.
It is important to remember that a midlife crisis doesn’t affect only the person experiencing it; their loved ones may also feel the strain. For example, Berlingo says family and friends may want to hold their loved one “in the place where they’ve always known them to be and hold them to be the person that they’ve come to rely upon.” A person during a “midlife emergence” may stop “people pleasing” like they’ve always done, and those closest to them may “feel displeased … to see this transformation happening.”
To help, it is essential that you establish appropriate boundaries with your loved one to support them and tend to your emotional and mental well-being. Boundaries can help you avoid getting caught up in their impulsive behavior or emotional changes (if they occur). Let them know your limits and communicate them clearly to help your loved one understand what you can tolerate and where you draw the line. By doing this, you can support them healthily and constructively while caring for yourself.
What not to say
Going through a midlife crisis may be a stressful and perplexing experience, and knowing what to say to someone struggling in this way can be difficult. While offering support is crucial, there are some things you should avoid saying since they might be unpleasant or dismissive of the person's feelings. The following statements to avoid may shed light on how to support a loved one more beneficially and constructively.
Nothing
Why it doesn’t work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During challenging situations, your loved one will appreciate any reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
"You're overreacting."
Why it doesn't work: This comment can make people feel rejected and alone. Watching a loved one go through a midlife crisis is challenging. Dismissing their emotions as overreactions won't help. Despite your perception, their situation is real. Even if you can't help, listening and being sympathetic are essential. This will validate and comfort them during this unique time.
"Just snap out of it."
Why it doesn't work: Saying this implies their struggles are invalid and they should easily be able to control their feelings and thoughts. A midlife crisis cannot be solved overnight. It takes time, patience and support from loved ones. Telling someone to snap out of it can make them feel unsupported, misunderstood and even more alone when they need compassion and understanding.
"It's just a phase."
Why it doesn't work: This comment can make people feel like their struggles are pointless. It can also make them think their feelings are temporary and will go away by themselves, which may not be accurate. This statement can also sound condescending and unhelpful. It ignores the complexity of the person's situation and its effects. Validating and helping them through this time is crucial.
"You're too old to have a crisis."
Why it doesn't work: A comment like this can make someone feel their problems are unfounded, exaggerated, unimportant or irrelevant. It also ignores the fact that anybody can experience a midlife crisis. Your loved one may already be dealing with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, and this comment may exacerbate the way they feel. Instead of dismissing their struggles, offer support and encouragement.
"I don't understand why you're feeling this way."
Why it doesn't work: This comment can make someone feel isolated. They may feel misunderstood and disconnected. Everyone experiences life differently, and what may seem like a minor issue to one person may be a significant challenge for another. Instead of discrediting their feelings, ask open-ended questions and actively listen to their responses to better understand their situation. It can make them feel heard, supported and cared for by you.
What to say
Going through a midlife crisis can be overwhelming and distressing. During this challenging period, it is critical to provide support and understanding. Berlingo says, "Being overly cautionary [to loved ones] about making transformations [can] arrest their movement, development and growth.”
She encourages people to be “a more supportive friend [...] or family member to that person in a way that allows them to try on new behaviors, ways of being, and new identities. Show them that that is acceptable.” If your loved one is struggling during their midlife, Berlingo’s approach will help them traverse their crisis or “emergence” with grace and resilience.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I'm here for you."
Why it works: Saying this demonstrates you are available. It shows you care about your loved one’s well-being and want to help them find solutions. You are creating a safe space for them to open up and share their feelings and concerns without fear of judgment, which can be incredibly helpful. Additionally, knowing that you’re there for them can provide comfort and security, which can help ease some of the anxiety and stress.
"It's OK not to be OK"
Why it works: This comment validates their feelings and shows empathy. It can also help alleviate some of the pressure they may feel about having everything figured out. Additionally, it can permit them to seek help or support without shame. Being reassured that struggling is normal and acceptable can provide comfort and relief. This statement also acknowledges that there’s nothing wrong with taking time to reflect, reevaluate and make changes if needed.
"I noticed you stopped doing X. What inspired this change?"
Why it works: When someone is going through a midlife crisis, they may experience confusion, self-doubt and impulsive behavior. This statement acknowledges a change in their behavior without making assumptions or judgments and encourages them to reflect on their actions. This can help them gain a better understanding of their motivations and possibly identify some positive aspects of their crisis. It also opens up the possibility for a constructive conversation about their situation.
How to recover
If you say something inappropriate to someone going through a midlife crisis, apologize and tell them you didn't intend to hurt or offend them. Let them share their thoughts and feelings so they may be heard and considered. Remember that it's OK to make mistakes, but what matters is that you're open to growing and learning from them. You can strengthen ties and make your loved one feel more supported by demonstrating empathy and a willingness to be available.
Other suggestions
Beyond words, there are numerous ways to show support for someone experiencing a midlife crisis. Everyone's experience with a midlife crisis is unique, so be open to hearing from your loved one about what they require or how they prefer to be supported.
Here are some ideas to get you started:
1. Spend quality time with them: Spending time with your loved one is one of the best ways to show your support. Being present or doing activities they enjoy can help alleviate loneliness or isolation.
2. Be a good listener: Everyone requires a listening ear from time to time. Let your loved one express their emotions and frustrations without interruption or judgment.
3. Encourage daily self-care: Urge your loved one to take physical and mental care of themselves. This could include recommending that they take up a new hobby, walk regularly or seek psychotherapy.