What to Say: Miscarriage
Physically and emotionally support your loved ones after they’ve experienced a miscarriage.
Physically and emotionally support your loved ones.
Kashinda Carter
Reviewer URLPhysically and emotionally support your loved ones.
What we'll cover
Miscarriage is an incredibly sensitive topic, and it’s unfortunately very common. The experience can be devastating for expecting parents, regardless of how early the loss happened. The loss also affects both the pregnant person and their partner and can be complicated by physical symptoms.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll go over what a miscarriage is and what are the common symptoms of a miscarriage. You’ll also learn what you can say to support someone experiencing a miscarriage as well as what to avoid saying when speaking to them.
What it is
Miscarriage is a spontaneous loss of pregnancy before 20 weeks gestation, although most miscarriages occur during the first trimester. After 20 weeks gestation, a spontaneous loss of pregnancy is called a stillbirth. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) estimates that more than one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Sometimes, miscarriages happen even before someone realizes they are pregnant, so the rate of miscarriage in known pregnancies is about one in 10.
A miscarriage may occur when a pregnant person starts bleeding and the embryo or fetus passes on its own. Other times, the embryo or fetus prematurely stops developing, and doctors are unable to detect any cardiac activity. This is called a missed miscarriage. In this case, the pregnant person can wait for the contents of the uterus to pass naturally, or they may need help with medication or surgery.
In many cases, miscarriages happen because the embryo or fetus had a genetic or chromosomal abnormality that prevented it from developing properly. When people suffer recurrent miscarriages, doctors often seek a cause, which may include hormonal imbalances, uterine abnormalities, clotting disorders or thyroid disease. In the vast majority of cases, the pregnant person did not cause the miscarriage.
According to a study from the National Library of Medicine, some people are more likely to have miscarriages than others. These include people over 35, people who have had a miscarriage before, people who smoke or use drugs, people who are under or overweight, and people with certain medical conditions like diabetes.
Mental and physical effects
It doesn’t matter how far along a person was when they experienced loss of a pregnancy. A loss is a loss, and it can be incredibly devastating for both the person who was pregnant and their partner.
Despite the commonality of miscarriages, they are rarely discussed societally or among friends. People who suffer pregnancy loss often feel shame, grief, extreme sadness, and loneliness, among other emotions. They might also feel varying emotions, and some people may feel relieved after a miscarriage. Hormonal shifts as a person’s body adjusts to losing the baby may also affect one’s mood.
Physically, people may experience light to extreme cramping as the blood and tissue pass from their uterus. Heavy bleeding can last for up to two weeks, and light bleeding might continue for another two to four weeks. Because miscarriages affect hormone levels, their next menstrual period may be delayed.
What not to say
Often, people who experience miscarriage are in an incredibly delicate mental state. Saying the wrong thing can make an already difficult situation feel even worse. When in doubt, it may be better to say nothing at all and just lend a listening ear and a loving hug. Here are some things to avoid saying to someone who experienced a miscarriage.
"At least you know you can get pregnant."
Why it doesn't work: Statements like these are meant to soften the blow, but they do little to make somebody feel better when they are grieving their pregnancy loss. Focus on the current grief your friend or loved one is experiencing.
"At least it happened early."
Why it doesn't work: Pregnancy loss, no matter how early, can be extremely difficult and traumatizing. Many people plan and try for babies for years before they get pregnant, making a loss all the more devastating. This statement can make them feel like they don’t have a right to be sad. In an article for Parade, Dr. Gail Saltz, author and clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the New York Presbyterian Hospital, Weill-Cornell Medical College, says “Saying ‘I’m sorry this is so painful’ shows them empathy and allows them to get the support of the pain they do have."
"Everything happens for a reason."
Why it doesn't work: This statement can inadvertently make people feel like they did something wrong or that their pregnancy didn’t have a purpose. It can also make them feel like you don’t acknowledge the importance of their pregnancy or the magnitude of their loss. It’s very hard for somebody to feel like their miscarriage happened for a reason, especially when their grief is fresh.
"Maybe it’s because you…"
Why it doesn't work: In the vast majority of cases, the pregnant person can’t do anything to prevent a miscarriage. Suggesting they did something wrong will only make them feel worse. Playing detective to figure out why the miscarriage happened isn’t necessary; leave that work to the doctors. Instead, give your loved one space to grieve without blame.
"You’ll get over it quickly."
Why it doesn't work: Try not to put a timeline on grief. “Everyone will go through their own process in their own way and in their own time. We do not know if someone will be OK in a few days and this can be invalidating of what the person is experiencing,” explains Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, licensed clinical psychologist, in an article for Parade. Suggesting that they will ever “get over it” at all can feel thoughtless.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Finding the right words to say after any loss can be difficult. When your friend or loved one experiences a miscarriage, try to say things that acknowledge their loss and give them space to feel any emotion they might experience.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I’m here to listen if you want to talk about it."
Why it works: Everybody who experiences pregnancy loss responds in different ways. Some people want to talk about it while others can not or will not. Simply listening is a comforting way to support those who have experienced a miscarriage. If they’re not ready to talk, that’s OK too. Physically being with them can be helpful.
"I’m sorry. This must be so difficult for you."
Why it works: When you acknowledge that somebody is hurting, it helps them feel validated. It can also help remind them that their feelings are normal. A statement like this gives the person space to grieve in their own way.
"It wasn’t your fault."
Why it works: Often, people unnecessarily blame themselves after experiencing pregnancy loss. It can feel reassuring that the loss was not their fault. If they have an analytical mind, they might even be comforted by the fact that a majority of miscarriages can’t be prevented.
How to recover
We all say the wrong thing sometimes. If you accidentally say something that upsets your loved one, apologize and ask them what you can do to make it right. Reassure them that you know their loss is real and that you want to be there for them. Acknowledge that you said the wrong thing, and make an effort to be more conscious of their needs going forward.
Other suggestions
First and foremost, remember that someone who experiences a miscarriage is grieving. Miscarriage is real loss, and as such, people who experience it often feel comforted when others acknowledge their grief. Consider sending a card or flowers just as you would for anyone grieving the death of a family member.
It can also be very difficult for people to recover physically from miscarriage. Ask if they would feel comfortable if you came over to help clean or cook dinner. This is especially helpful if they have other kids.