What to Say: Moving
How to help your loved one through this stressful milestone
How to help your loved one through this stressful milestone
How to help your loved one through this stressful milestone.
What we’ll cover
According to the Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory, moving residences is one of the most stressful events one can experience. We’ll help you be there for your loved one as they engage in the process of boxing up their entire life.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll examine the realities of moving in the United States, the impacts of moves on different age groups and provide practical tips for moving. We’ll also cover things to say and not to say to your loved one as they begin to box up their home.
What it is
Moving is a milestone many adults (especially U.S. adults) experience. The reasons for moving are myriad. People move for love, for career, to receive education or to obtain increased economic or social opportunities for their family. FiveThirtyEight reports Americans move, on average, 11.4 times over the course of their lives.
But this number is going down. According to Harvard’s Joint Center for Housing Studies (JCHS), in 2016, 20 to 24 year-old Americans moved 40% less than those in 1976.
Emotional concerns of moving
If your loved one made the choice to move, their stress may be high, but tempered by feelings of excitement and hope. However, if they have been forcibly displaced (by a natural disaster, for example) or are required to move due to diminishing capabilities, the move will likely be a much more fraught emotional experience. Consider the context of the move as you talk with your loved one.
These feelings of stress may be particularly acute for the elderly and children, even if the move isn’t forced. As someone outside of the move, you can provide a stable and loving support system. Offer, if you can, to take children or the elderly for the afternoon. This allows for solo packing time and gives the children and elderly in your life a break from the hubbub of a move.
Stress is a Catch-22: it is caused, in part, by a disruption to regular routine and can be ameliorated by adding routine back in. It can be hard, during stressful times, to remember the little things that make one feel better like exercise, journaling and eating healthy. Likely, if your loved one is moving, they’ve forgotten all three.
You cannot completely stop your loved one from feeling stressed during a move, but there are ways to help. You can be there to listen. You can offer to help them pack. You can invite them on a walk. Little things do matter, even in the case of a move.
What not to say
Anyone going through a move is going to be frazzled, between the emotions of seeing all their possessions in boxes and the practical hassle of getting those items into boxes. These are some tips to avoid adding to their stress.
"Can you get dinner this week?”
Why it doesn’t work: Depending on how close the move is, it may not be the best time to try to set a dinner date. It makes sense that you want to spend time with your loved one during this life change, but the majority of their mental energy is probably on their to-do list. This may not be the best time for a date. It may be a better idea to bring them a healthy meal they can enjoy without having to do the heavy lifting of cooking.
"At least it will be better than your last place."
Why it doesn't work: Home is more than just four walls. It is a sense of place. Even if you didn’t like your friend’s old place, this is not the time to mention it. If their soon-to-be-former home was the site of memories, they may be mourning the loss of the site of those memories. Now isn’t the time to share your opinion on their living situation.
”Why are you so stressed?”
Why it doesn’t work: Moving is one of the top 50 most stressful life events, someone can experience. The stress levels of a move are comparable to those one may experience when a child leaves home or when one graduates school. Don’t downplay the situation. Now isn’t the time to ignore your loved one’s feelings. Listen to them and acknowledge their well-earned stress.
"See you in a month!"
Why it doesn't work: This strategy may be well-intentioned (trying to avoid pinning your loved one into social obligations during a trying time). But it sounds like a total avoidance of support. Messages like this may come across as a person unwilling to assist someone during a stressful life event.
”Oh, you shouldn’t move there.”
Why it doesn’t work: If your loved one is telling you about an upcoming move, they are likely already in the later stages of the event. The fear of the unknown is a large part of moving, and by denigrating a choice they made, you are only adding to this fear. Keep your opinions on their new location to yourself for the moment, and support them in the practical reality of the move.
What to say
Practical help is always the most valuable during moments of high-stress. These conversation starters are designed to help your loved one knock another thing off their presumably long to-do list.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"When’s the move? Do you need me to watch your dog that day?”
Why it works: This kind of practical support is invaluable to someone moving. You may not want to carry their couch, but there are lots of ways to assist someone making a move. For example, if your loved one has caretaking responsibilities (such as caring for a child, pet or elderly relative), help them arrange alternate care while they go through the move. Taking on tasks like these will take a burden off your loved ones’ shoulders and indicate understanding of the stress they are under.
"My cousin just used a great moving company in your town. I’ll send you the information."
Why it works: Again, the practicality of this example wins the day. By giving relevant information (like a reputable moving company), you show that you understand the stress of the situation. You also are providing your friend with something valuable. For long-distance relationships, it can be hard to determine how to help in this practical focused event but recommendations for local vendors you may know or just a gift certificate to a pizza place in their new neighborhood never goes amiss.
”I know you are super busy, so don't feel like you have to respond to this. Just wanted to say: you’re doing great. Moving is stressful, and you’re rocking it!”
Why it works: In the text message example above, the sender acknowledges the stress of moving, gives their loved one some words of affirmation and takes the pressure of responding to this message off the shoulders of the recipient. Moving is a stressful and time-sensitive event, and this message reflects that reality.
How to recover
The best way to recover from saying the wrong thing is to lend a helping hand. Try to find a practical way to help your loved one. The worst thing you can do during a move is to completely vanish. If your loved one has already moved, provide them with a thoughtful housewarming gift.
Other suggestions
There are many practical ways to help your loved one during a move. This is a great time to take advantage of your organizational skills to help your loved ones. It can be hard to know where to start when packing up a home. There are many guides online to help your loved one figure out where to begin. ThisOldHouse.com suggests starting a plan to move six months before the move itself. For those who have a shorter timeline, Apartment Therapy provides a six-week planning guide.
If your loved one is hiring professional movers, help them look for red flags. The Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration (FMCSA) has a list of warning signs in potential movers, including giving an estimate over the phone, without visually confirming the amount of items that need moving. They also provide a moving checklist, which can help avoid moving fraud. AARP reports 932 households between January and July 2021 filed complaints with the FMCSA over “hostage” complaints, where a moving company holds onto goods to force consumers to pay more.