What to Say: New Baby
When a new baby is born, parents feel a wide range of emotions. Learn how to support them with what you say.
Support new parents through their wide range of emotions.
Kashinda Carter
Reviewer URLSupport new parents through their wide range of emotions.
What we'll cover
Having a new baby is a joyous time for most parents, but it also comes with its share of struggles. New parents’ feelings can range from extreme happiness to extreme sadness in a short period of time.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll overview the struggles and emotions new parents may face. You’ll learn what to say to someone with a new baby and what phrases might not sit well with them.
What it is
Having a new baby can be one of the most important events in someone’s life. It also comes with many emotions, both good and bad. Remember that babies can come into people’s lives in various ways, including through traditional birth, surrogacy, adoption and foster care.
New parents may experience euphoria, elation, excitement, exhaustion, depression, anxiety, rage and virtually any other emotion in between. Life as they know it is changing completely, and even if they’re happy, this change can be difficult. Additionally, people with a new baby are often short on time, money and energy. They likely have less time for friendships and other relationships that thrived before the baby was born.
According to a study published in the journal Psychiatria Danubina, almost 50% of women experience psychological difficulties and disturbances during the postpartum period. This can include baby blues, postpartum depression, and anxiety disorders, among others. Similarly, in the first five years after a baby is born, fathers in the household are more likely to show depressive symptoms than those not in the household. Yet, many parents report indescribable joy and love after having a baby.
Having a new baby is a tumultuous time full of heightened emotions. Know that this is a joyful and difficult time, and any amount of support you can provide will not be forgotten.
What not to say
Because the time after a new baby is born is so fraught with emotion, knowing which phrases to avoid is important. Many things people tend to say that are not meant to be hurtful can be anxiety-inducing and bothersome to new parents.
"Is the baby smiling yet?"
Why it doesn't work: This seems like polite conversation, but it can make new parents feel anxious. When you ask about milestones, it’s often with the expectation that their baby should be meeting the milestone already. If they aren’t, it could make the parents worry about their child’s development.
"Sleep when the baby sleeps."
Why it doesn't work: Unsolicited advice never feels good, and it can make parents of new babies feel insecure. It can also make them question their parenting if they aren’t already doing what you suggest. It is best to only give advice when a new parent asks for it.
"You look like you could use some sleep."
Why it doesn't work: All parents of new babies could use some sleep; there’s no need to point it out. You’ll only remind them how tired they are while also making them feel self-conscious about their appearance. Instead of pointing out their fatigue, consider checking a chore off their to-do list so they can get a little rest.
"Just wait."
Why it doesn't work: Telling new parents to just wait until the next (harder) phase invalidates their current experience. It can make them feel like they shouldn’t be struggling in the phase they’re in. It also takes away some of the joy of enjoying their new baby.
"Enjoy every minute. It goes too fast."
Why it doesn't work: While well-intentioned, this phrase often rubs new parents the wrong way. Being a new parent is very difficult. Cleaning up poop that escaped the diaper (parents call this a blowout) at 3 a.m. isn’t very enjoyable, and those sleepless nights can seem to go on forever.
"When can I come see the baby?"
Why it doesn't work: Some parents love to show their new babies off, but many like to lay low for the first few weeks or even months. When in doubt, it’s best to let them initiate your first visit with the baby.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Saying the right thing to a new parent can make a huge difference for their mental health. Stick to phrases that are uplifting and nonjudgmental.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"You're doing such a good job."
Why it works: Being a new parent is incredibly difficult, and every parent wonders if they’re doing it right. Kind statements like this go a long way. When you’re not sure what to say, this statement works every single time.
"I just left dinner, paper towels, and your favorite sweet treat on your porch. Enjoy!"
Why it works: Having a new baby is hard work. New parents often feel obligated to host friends and family, but the thought of making themselves and their home presentable can feel daunting. “New parents usually have decision fatigue (on top of regular fatigue) and just doing something non-intrusive is a lot more helpful than asking them to help you coordinate your kindness [by asking what they need],” says Julia Pelly, who has a master's in public health with a focus on maternal and child health.
How to recover
Saying the right thing to a new parent can be tough because the experience is so different for everyone. If you realize that you said the wrong thing, apologize and tell them that you had no intention of making them feel worse. Check out our guides on apologies and being a better listener for more tips.
Other suggestions
One of the best things you can do to help a new parent is bring them food or a gift that is just for them. People often shower the baby with gifts but forget to take care of the parents. Don’t forget about any older siblings, too. They can feel left out when a new baby is born. Consider taking older siblings to the park (with their parents’ permission, of course). Any time you take care of the parents or older siblings, it makes it easier for the parents to take care of the baby.
Another invaluable way to help new parents is to take pictures of them with their baby. In the newborn haze, they might forget to get in the pictures themselves, and they will be eternally grateful to you for any pictures you take of them with their baby.