What to Say: New Job
Show support during this new chapter of one's career.
Show support during this new chapter of one's career.
Show support during this new chapter of one's career.
What we’ll cover
Changing jobs is a major life event and a new job can be thrilling, anxiety-inducing and potentially life changing.
In this "What to Say" guide, we'll look at the psychological impact of switching jobs. We'll also let you know what to say to someone changing jobs and what to avoid when wishing someone good luck at a new gig.
What it is
Changing jobs is a common event in the lives of Americans. According to a national longitudinal study by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, younger baby boomers (born between 1957-64) held an average of 12.4 jobs between ages 18 to 54. Gallup polls and a study from IBM’s Institute for Business Value indicates job changes are even more frequent for millennial and Gen Z generations.
And like other areas of your life, your job can have a big impact on your health. According to the World Health Organization, "work is good for mental health, but a negative working environment can lead to physical and mental health problems." Given the outsized impact of work on our lives, it is no wonder that an employment change is categorized by Carnegie Mellon University and University of California, San Francisco researchers as a "particularly potent" life event.
People change jobs throughout their lives, but each job change is its own unique life event. And every job change comes with its own benefits and challenges. Across the board, job changers get used to new routines, new coworkers and new responsibilities.
Mixed emotions
A new job can cause "anticipatory anxiety." This is defined by the American Psychological Association as "worry or apprehension about an upcoming event or situation because of the possibility of a negative outcome such as danger, misfortune, or adverse judgment by others."
Give your loved one space to talk through their feelings. Job changes don't exist in a vacuum. Consider the environment in which your loved one is changing their job. People who were previously laid off or have experienced a protracted period of unemployment may have experienced symptoms of depression . Allow space if your loved one is experiencing mixed emotions about a new job. Validate their feelings. Don't ignore them or minimize them.
What not to say
Starting a new job is complicated. It can be a joyous occasion or one filled with anxiety. Make sure to listen to the feelings and potential anxieties of the person with a new job. The following are examples of things to avoid when speaking with your loved one.
“You should wear that green shirt for your first day.”
Why it doesn’t work: Any sentence that starts with "you should" is off to a bad start. Sentences like this can cause the listener to think that you doubt their decision-making abilities. This is true even if the person is entering the job market for the first time. A 2021 study on new grads determined that "support without any coercion" contributed to new grads making better career decisions.
“You should be happy!”
Why it doesn’t work: Starting a new job is complicated. Do not tell your loved one how to feel about their new job. Don’t write off feelings–positive or negative–that they may have about this change. This is especially true if the person was previously laid off or experienced a long period of unemployment before attaining a new position.
“When I started my new job...”
Why it doesn’t work: There is no certain type that marries, and marriage can look however you want it to. These kinds of comments imply that there is one way to be married and one type of marriage. Let the person tell you what their marriage looks like, rather than assuming what it should be.
“What do your parents/relatives/mail carrier think?”
Why it doesn’t work: Don’t shift focus to yourself. The job changer should have the floor. Your experience may be relevant, but this moment is about your loved one. Let them have the spotlight.
“Great, but what's your next career move?”
Why it doesn’t work: This moves the goal posts immediately. A new job is a major life change. No one needs to be asked about their five-year plan when they are on step one. Let them focus on the task at hand: getting through the first days of work.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that you understand the complicated nature of job change, here are some conversation starters.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“Congratulations! How are you feeling?”
Why it works: This doesn't assume how your loved one feels. By asking "how are you feeling," you open the door to discuss any feeling, positive or negative.
“Congratulations! Is there anything I can take off your plate while you adjust to your new job?”
Why it works: This acknowledges that a new job is a major life change. It allows space for the person to be busy. A new job can cause anxiety, and anxiety can negatively impact one's ability to make decisions. By offering to take something off their plate, you are freeing up mental space that they need to focus on their new job. If you live with the person who is getting a new job, offer to make dinner that first day or pack them a lunch.
Other suggestions
Give your loved one time to acclimate to their new job. Alison Green of Ask a Manager said anecdotally it takes four to eight weeks to acclimate to a new job. Keep this in mind when offering to take a friend out for a congratulatory drink or dinner. Offer to plan the celebrations in a few weeks, when they have their sea legs under them at work.