What to Say: New Relationships
Here, we’ll look at the brain chemistry of love and explore the best way to meet a friend’s new significant other.
Look at the brain chemistry of love.
Look at the brain chemistry of love.
What we'll cover
Poets, songwriters and greeting card companies agree: new love is worth writing about. But what actually happens when one locks eyes with someone special? In this "What to Say" guide, we'll cover the brain-bending power of a new relationship. We'll help you offer support to your friend and their new partner, and avoid offense. Also, we'll provide further suggestions to help catch your friend as they fall in love.
What it is
Entering a new relationship is a heady experience, so much so that multiple neurobiological studies show "romantic love shares much of the neural circuitry associated with addiction." When falling in love, your body is responding to a crisis, of sorts. Cortisol (the "stress hormone") increases and serotonin, a mood-regulating chemical, decreases. This potent combination causes jitters and the preoccupation of infatuation.
And falling in love is easier than you'd think. A 2021 study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Review shows most of us have a pro-relationship bias. This means, when faced with the decision to end a relationship (even a nascent or negative one), most people will avoid doing so. And this bias begins at the very start of a relationship. In one longitudinal study, 76% of those in relationships that were less than three months old showed attachment strength similar to those in relationships of two years. This result suggests the first three months of dating are a vital time to evaluate a romantic partner.
Evaluating a new partner during this period can be hard. As another study showed, couples will ignore or downplay incompatibility, even in this first dating stage. Individually, people reported on goals they had. If they were with a partner who had goals incompatible with their own, partners tended to devalue their own goals for the good of a relationship.
Unfortunately, the giddy bloom of new love and our collective pro-relationship bias can cause people to miss or even ignore red flags. These red flags can be mild (ie, a messy home) or can be truly dangerous.
Making healthy relationships
During the start of dating, it is important for couples to openly communicate, build trust and create firm boundaries. Create moments where your friend can have time away from their new partner. This allows the friend to individuate, spending time on things that are important to them outside of their new relationship.
Due to the overwhelming nature of a new relationship, it is important your friend maintain relationships and activities outside of their partner. The first three months of a new relationship are often thrilling and intense. By reaching out to your loved one during this time, you give them a chance to see themselves outside of their relationship and take time away to consider the relationship they find themselves in.
What not to say
Sometimes, it can be hard to support your friend in a new relationship. You may have had bad experiences with their partners in the past or are just not sure what to say to someone new. We'll help you avoid comments that are sure to bring down the mood.
"Fun! You're always in a new relationship."
Why it doesn’t work: Even if your friend is a serial dater, when they introduce their new partner, this is not the way to begin the conversation. The use of “always” in this sentence starter can feel snide, implying your loved one jumps from relationship to relationship. These kinds of backhanded comments will tell your friend with whom they can talk about a new relationship.
"I hope they're better than the last partner you had!"
Why it doesn't work: Even if your friend's ex was the absolute worst, now isn't the time to bring it up. Let your friend's past stay in the past, unless they bring it up to you. You want to find out about what is going on in your loved one’s life now, rather than rehashing what happened before. Be curious about the individual your loved one is now seeing, rather than lumping them into a faceless line of exes.
"They seem... interesting."
Why it doesn't work: Maybe your loved one's new partner isn't someone you'd like to date. That doesn't mean they don't have good qualities. Look to see how this new partner is with your friend. Try to see the relationship with your friend's eyes.
"They seem really nice! You guys seem good together. We don't seem to have a lot in common though."
Why it doesn't work: It can be really hard to make conversation with a friend's new partner. There can be awkward moments, definitely! And if you're worried about running out of conversational topics, ask questions. Asking about favorite books, movies or hobbies is always a good way to get the conversational ball rolling.
"I guess I'll see you when you two break up."
Why it doesn't work: Even if your friend has a tendency to flake when they get a new partner, try framing that fear in a more productive way. Be vulnerable with your friend. Express your concerns or anxieties about your friendship suffering when a relationship comes on the scene in a way that focuses on what you want from the friendship, rather than what you fear.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that we know what not to say, here are some conversation starters to help you get to know your friend's new partner and make sure that you're keeping your eyes open for potential relationship problems.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"That's so great! We should all get together soon. I'd love to meet them!"
Why it works: This expresses excitement about your friend's new relationship. It also sets up the expectation that your friend brings their new partner into their larger social circle. Your friend is important to you, and it is important to you to meet a person important to your friend! This expresses that in a positive and healthy way.
"That's so great! I'm really excited for you to have someone new in your life. Why don't we all go to the movies next week? And then maybe a one-on-one dinner soon? Having alone time with you is so important to me!"
Why it works: If you're worried your friend will be missing in action now they have a new beau, you may want to bring it up immediately. But slow down and focus on the new relationship first. This works because it expresses your anxieties about lost friendship time in a positive way, rather than the accusatory tone used in the "What Not to Say" section.
"I'm excited for you! I definitely want to meet them soon. Tell me all about it—where did you meet? What do they like to do?"
Why it works: This expresses both excitement and curiosity about your friend's new relationship. That's a winning combination. These sorts of open-ended questions let your friend tell the story, rather than writing it for them.
How to recover
If you've made a misstep when meeting your friend's new partner, not all is lost. Be honest. Were you nervous? Did you just have a bad night? What happened to make the situation go wrong? Ask for a chance to try again, and plan a time to meet up. You are important to your friend and everyone knows that introducing a new person into the mix is a stressful situation. Give your friend's new partner a little grace, and you're likely to get some in return.
Other suggestions
If you are worried about not having enough to say to a friend's new partner, plan a meeting around an activity. Something physical (like bowling or mini golf) will give the hangout structure and give you a topic of conversation.
If you are worried about your friend's new relationship or partner, you should bring it up. Be sure your concerns are for your friend, rather than for your time with your friend. For example, if you are concerned your friend has changed a major life goal, bring that up in a way that focuses on the goal rather than the relationship. If your friend always said that they didn't want a dog and are now getting a new dog with their partner, you could say something like: "In the past you always said you never wanted a pet. What changed?" This focuses on the behavior, rather than the relationship.
You don't want to put your friend on the defensive about their new relationship. Be a safe harbor for them.