What to Say: New Religion
Support others as they seek out new answers to large life questions.
Support others as they seek out new answers to large life questions.
Nathaniel Glanzman
Reviewer URLSupport others as they seek out new answers to large life questions.
What we'll cover
Religion is a very personal matter. People choose their religious affiliations for many reasons. And over time, those reasons (or those religious affiliations) may change as a person’s life changes. In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll cover types of religious conversions and the reasons why a person may convert. We’ll also tell you what not to say and how to offer support to your loved one who is converting.
What it is
Religious conversion is the process of affiliating oneself with a new religious group or practice. Changing from one religion to another or adopting a religion after not being affiliated with a spiritual group are both referred to as religious conversion. According to a 2014 study of 35,000 Americans by the Pew Research Center, up to 42% of respondents practice a different religion as an adult than they did in childhood. In the United States, religious conversion is a fairly common practice.
Conversion practices
Discussing religious conversion, as a monolith, is difficult due to the breadth of religions and their different conversion practices. Some religions (like Catholicism and Judaism) require study before allowing conversion, while others (such as evangelical Christianity) often have no formal conversion practice.
These different conversion practices can cause different feelings to arise in the convert. For example, some converts—especially those to a faith which don’t have a formal conversion practice—may feel a more immediate emotional response to their conversion. Those who are converting for a more common reason (such as marrying someone from a different faith) or who experience a formalized conversion process may not feel as emotionally overwhelmed by their religious change.
According to Lewis R. Rambo, psychology professor and author of Understanding Religious Conversion, there are only two aspects which are common amongst most conversions: crisis and kinship. “There are not many things that scholars of conversion agree on. But one thing they do agree on is that most conversions — not all, but most — take place through kinship and friendship networks,” Rambo told PBS. He also said many conversions take place after a large life change. This change triggers a new way of viewing the world and prompts the convert to seek large answers. These answers can often be found in a new spiritual practice.
Religious tolerance
Religious tolerance is a long-held American ideal. Although the majority of religious Americans identify as Christian, religious diversity is a trademark of American life. According to Pew, up to 33% of all Americans are in an interfaith marriage. Religious discrimination at work—whether one is part of a large religion like Lutheranism or a lesser-known faith group—is against federal law in the United States. It is important to remember, when approaching religious conversion, the large variety of faith practices in the world.
Rambo notes it is important to differentiate between the outsider’s view of conversion and the insider’s view. For the person converting to a new religion, this could be a very emotional process. It can mean affirming a new identity and contemplating very large questions. Rambo likens religious conversion to the heady experience of falling in love.
Although your loved one’s conversion may seem strange or be upsetting to you, they may be having a very different experience. Be cognizant of their feelings, and support them as they embark on a journey to see a new way in which to view the world.
What not to say
It can feel profound and intense to examine the central questions of existence. Through religious conversion, your loved one may be seeking large answers. For those who have a loved one converting away from a shared religion, this change may be even harder to face for both them and their loved ones. We’ll help you avoid offending and potentially alienating them during this time.
"I don't get it."
Why it doesn't work: If your goal is to discover the questions that prompted your loved one’s religious quest, this is not a good place to start. Rather than beginning with a statement like this, approach with a question. What prompted this? What are they finding in their exploration of their new religion? Open the door to a conversation.
"Weird."
Why it doesn't work: It is important not to be judgmental of different religious practices. This is true when talking to a converting loved one and true in general. If you find yourself defaulting to calling something new to you “weird” or “strange,” think about why. Push yourself to greet your loved one’s changing faith with openness. By dismissing any religious practice as “weird,” you are being rude and shutting yourself off from learning something new.
“OK, but you’ll never really be [a member of their religion].”
Why it doesn't work: Those who adopt a religion later in life are just as valid as those who made that choice as a child or were raised in a faith. Indeed, a 2021 study found very little difference in religiosity between converts and those raised in a religion. By approaching your loved one’s new faith like this, you are almost guaranteed to alienate them. This type of sentence can also imply that you doubt your loved one’s sincerity in adopting a new religion.
“Does this mean you’re no longer going to be fun/going to try to convert me/etc.?”
Why it doesn't work: Your friend is telling you they are entering a new period of their life. They are adopting a new identity as they delve into a different religious practice. Rather than listing all the ways it could go wrong or impact you, focus on their feelings and experiences. Allow them to tell you what they are changing about their life, rather than making assumptions.
Trying to convert them to your religion.
Why it doesn't work: There are many religions across the globe in which proselytizing—the act of soliciting converts—is a central practice. However, if your loved one is telling you about their new religion, they have already made a decision. Even if the decision is not one you would make, respect their choice. By trying to convert them to your religion, you are inadvertently indicating you do not respect their choices and, by extension, do not respect them.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
It can be difficult to approach talking about someone’s new faith. Your loved one is not required to tell you the story of their conversion or their reasons for joining a new religion. But these conversation starters may help you lay the groundwork for future conversations and let your loved one know you are a non-judgmental ear as they navigate this new life stage.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“I really appreciate you telling me. Do you want to tell me about it?”
Why it works: This conversation starter lets your loved one know you appreciate being told this information. It also invites, but doesn’t demand, more information about their new faith. Let your loved one lead the conversation, rather than trying to set the tone yourself.
“I appreciate you telling me. What does this mean for you?”
Why it works: This conversation starter allows your loved one to explain the more practical steps of their new religious practice. Perhaps your loved one will have some sort of formal ritual marking the occasion that they’d like you to attend. Perhaps this will not make any significant changes to your loved one’s day-to-day life, but has prompted a sort of internal transformation. This conversation starter allows your loved one to lead.
How to recover
The main message you want to communicate to your loved one, when speaking of their new religion, is that you respect their choice. If you have not done this, make sure to apologize.
What one believes is foundational to who they are. If your loved one has adopted a new religious practice—particularly if they were once part of your own religious practice—it can be hard to adjust to this change. If you are feeling strong emotions, take time to deal with them, away from your loved one.
Be kind to yourself and to your loved one. Respect what they are telling you, and don’t argue with them over this new choice.
Other suggestions
If life with your loved one previously centered around shared religious holidays, try to find other ways to make new shared traditions. Read more about your loved one’s new religious practice if you can. Find ways to connect that do not relate to faith. Your loved one may have found a new community in their religion, but that does not mean you are no longer an important member of their life. Keep in contact, and focus on what you share, rather than what may divide you.