What to Say: Non-monogamy
How to support your loved one when they discuss their non-monogamy with you.
How to support your loved one when they discuss their non-monogamy with you.
Renee Harleston
Reviewer URLHow to support your loved one when they discuss their non-monogamy with you.
What we'll cover
Everyone approaches relationships differently. For some, monogamy is the best choice. Others choose to pursue multiple intimate, romantic and/or sexual partnerships — also known as non-monogamy.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll examine what non-monogamy is and why someone may choose to pursue this type of relationship style. We’ll also go over what to say to someone who has disclosed their non-monogamy to you and what to avoid saying.
What it is
Though many people are taught that monogamy — or exclusive sexual and romantic commitment between a couple — is the best or “normal” way to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship, this isn’t the only or best option for everyone. Some people choose non-monogamy which, broadly speaking, describes the practice of loving or committing to more than one person at a time.
Non-monogamy is an umbrella term and can mean many different things to the people involved. There are different styles of non-monogamy, including polyamory, open relationships, hierarchies, and swinging, among others. And while the terminology may be confusing, there are a few foundational principles that can be applied generally to all non-monogamy: safety (including emotional and sexual safety), mutual consent (all parties must be aware and fully consenting to non-monogamy) and transparency (meaning all parties are communicating openly about their relationships).
While non-monogamy is nothing new, it is increasing in popularity. A 2016 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found more than 1 in 5 participants reported engaging in consensual non-monogamy (CNM) at some point in their lifetime, with men and queer people even more likely to be involved in CNM.
Misconceptions
Often, when people talk about an interest in non-monogamy, they receive accusations of cheating or are told non-monogamy is “impossible” to do in a consensual, sustainable way. However, polyamory educator and AASECT certified sexuality educator Jules Purnell, M.Ed. says, “Everyone decides what works best for them, and non-monogamy can be practiced in nearly infinite ways! [Non-monogamy] also isn't doomed to fail just because it is a different practice than monogamy. A lot of our cultural scripts insist that dealing with jealousy, scheduling, or the other trappings of non-monogamy mean it's too intense of an undertaking or involves too much "drama" to be sustainable. However, there are plenty of people who are fully capable of having long-term, sustainable and pleasurable non-monogamous relationships.”
The key to talking with someone about non-monogamy, says Purnell, is to avoid jumping to conclusions or making assumptions. People, regardless of the relationship style, deserve privacy regarding their intimate relationships. If they are comfortable opening up to you (and some people may not feel comfortable), be mindful of what questions you ask and how you ask them.
What not to say
Non-monogamy looks different for everyone, and the way a person chooses to share their relationship style with others may surprise you. It’s possible your loved one may reach out to you directly, or you might see them simply share posts on social media referencing multiple partners. Sometimes, there’s pressure to “come out” as non-monogamous, but that’s not right for everyone. It’s important to avoid invasive questions, pass judgment, or dismiss their choices as “unrealistic” or selfish.
The following are examples of things to avoid saying when speaking with your loved one about non-monogamy.
"You are just looking to cheat!"
Why it doesn't work: This statement is a big assumption, and it doesn't hold up to logic. If someone wanted to cheat, they would do it in secrecy rather than coming to an agreement with their partners and informing their loved ones of that decision. And there is nothing stopping people from cheating in monogamy — in fact, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy says 15% of women and 25% of men have cheated in their long-term, monogamous relationships.
The difference between non-monogamy and cheating lies in communication and consent. By communication and agreeing to sex and emotional intimacy outside of a single relationship, non-monogamy does not qualify as cheating.
"You will ruin your current relationship."
Why it doesn't work: This phrase does two things: first, it assumes you know more about your loved one’s relationship(s) than they do, which isn’t accurate. Your loved one is in the relationship and is fully capable of coming to mutual agreement with their current partner about what their relationship looks like and how to make it work. Second, this statement casts unnecessary doubt on your loved one. Avoid sentences that judge, assume, and speculate on your loved one’s relationships, as you’ll undermine the trust they have for you.
"Having sex with that many people is gross/unhealthy."
Why it doesn't work: Sex isn’t gross, nor is it unhealthy. This statement, particularly if directed at women who are often shamed for their sexual choices, stigmatizes your loved one’s freedom and bodily autonomy. Avoid assumptions about multiple partners and your loved one’s sexual health, and how they communicate potential concerns with others. Your loved one’s sex life isn’t yours to manage. Likewise, you are not entitled to information on how your loved one manages their sexual health.
"You’ll never be able to handle the jealousy."
Why it doesn't work: Again, avoid statements that express doubt or predict doom and heartbreak for your loved one. Non-monogamy is not always easy, but jealousy comes up in all relationships at certain points. You are not a lawyer sent to poke holes in someone else’s life or story. Your job is to support them, even if your loved one’s decisions wouldn’t be right for you.
"I told you it was a bad idea."
Why it doesn't work: Sometimes, non-monogamy doesn’t work out for people long-term. In other cases, it may be a perfect fit, but your loved one may still have ups and downs or experience breakups and disappointments. That’s life. This statement comes across as gloating, rather than empathetic. It’s not kind to savor your loved one’s difficult moments and say “I told you so.” Instead, express remorse that someone you love is struggling.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that you have a better understanding of non-monogamy, and phrases to avoid, here are some affirming phrases you might use when talking with your friend or loved one.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"Thank you for telling me. What else should I know?"
Why it works: Thanking someone for sharing personal information with you is a great place to start. By asking an open ended-question, you give your loved one the floor to continue speaking and share what they decide is the most important. You also allow your loved one to guide the conversation, which can be comforting if they may have more to share.
"Can you help me understand what non-monogamy looks like for you?"
Why it works: This question offers genuine curiosity and the chance for further understanding. It’s okay to not understand what non-monogamy looks like and want to know more details — but always ask without making assumptions or assigning meaning to your loved one’s actions. Stay open, neutral and curious. Your loved one will share what is comfortable to them. They may also choose not to share some or any details with you, and that’s OK too.
"If you ever need advice or to vent, I am here for you."
Why it works: Offering genuine help shows your loved one that they don’t need to hide or feel shame for certain parts of their life. However, you should only offer help if you feel truly ready and comfortable. There is no shame in saying, “I am happy for you, but I need some time to learn more and process before talking about this further.”
"How private is this information?"
Why it works: Not everyone is comfortable with being openly non-monogamous in every context — especially if family, school, children or work are involved. Non-monogamy is still highly stigmatized, and this information about your loved one could lead to harassment and other negative consequences in the wrong hands. Always check in with your loved one before sharing this type of information.
How to recover
Talking about relationships is difficult in any circumstance, and it’s ok to feel a little out of your depth when speaking about non-monogamy. If you say something that hurts your loved one, or if you unintentionally say something judgemental, you can still recover.
In the moment, try something like, “I’ve said something harsh I didn’t mean. Can we pause and talk about it?” Take the opportunity to apologize to your loved one. Then, consider if you need to postpone the conversation for a later time. You may need to process your emotions and do a little research to answer some of your concerns. Remember, if you’re feeling too worried or emotional in the moment, you won’t be able to support your loved one. If this is the case, try something like, “I want to be present and able to support you, but I’m feeling too emotional right now. I need to take a few days to think and do my own research. Is it alright to follow up in a week to continue this conversation?”
This strategy honors your need for space, prevents you from hurting your loved one in the heat of the moment, and sets a realistic timeframe for reconnection, allowing you to recover from your misstep and prevent future hurt.
Other suggestions
Non-monogamy is a big subject, and the details can be confusing for even the most veteran of practitioners. It’s ok to be confused or to feel concerned for your loved one’s happiness.
Treat this as an opportunity to not only better understand non-monogamy and monogamy, but also the tenets of healthy relationships. You may choose to revisit your own life and your own decisions in relationships. To help guide you, consider reading books on relationships like The Polyamory Workbook (also by the author of this article) and Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern.
The most important thing is to stay open, curious, and empathetic — and remember that your loved one has the right to life they want.