What to Say: Online Harassment
Rates are rising for online harassment. Learn how to support others.
Rates are rising for online harassment. Learn how to support others.
Nathaniel Glanzman
Reviewer URLRates are rising for online harassment, learn how to support others.
What we'll cover
Communicating and staying in touch with others has become easier in our digital age, but so too has online harassment or cyberbullying.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll talk about how to best comfort or support a loved one experiencing online harassment.
What it is
According to a 2021 Pew Research Center report, a whopping 64% of people under the age of 30 have been harassed online. Across all age groups, genders, orientations, races and political/religious affiliations, roughly 41% of web users in the United States experience online harassment in some form. These various forms break online harassment into several distinct behaviors and subcategories.
Kelly Ong, a Senior HR leader, defines it as “any unwanted behavior, physical or verbal—even suggested—that makes a reasonable person feel uncomfortable, humiliated, intimidated, or mentally distressed.” Pew Research Center offers more specifics: name-calling, purposeful embarrassment, stalking, physical threats, sexual harassment or sustained general harassment. The level of severity between these behaviors range.
Cyberbullying
Cyberbullying is targeted online contact meant to annoy, alarm or cause an individual significant emotional distress. This term may also be interchanged with cyber harassment, online abuse or general online harassment, and encompasses the broadest range of tactics.
According to StopBullying.gov, an American federal interagency effort, cyberbullying is defined as “sending, posting, or sharing negative, false, or mean content about someone else” using digital means and devices. This can include sensitive information, like personal secrets, shared with the intent of causing embarrassment. It may also encompass hate speech, name-calling, discriminatory statements and other general insults. However, until reasonable fear or a credible threat is a part of the equation, it is not illegal and must be resolved independently.
Trolling
Internet trolls are common perpetrators of online harassment. These are individuals who derive personal satisfaction from instigating conflict, hostility, arguments and confrontations within online social communities using inflammatory statements. Trolls can be found in social media groups, in comment threads, chat rooms, and other public forums, as their goal is to incite strong emotion among as many people as possible. In its most extreme form—dogpiling—it’s a strategic engagement by many individuals to flood a social media account or online profile with negative comments.
Message bombing
This is exactly what it sounds like: overwhelming an individual or business with so many emails, texts, direct messages, comments, or other forms of online contact at a time that they become overwhelmed and unable to focus on other tasks. The level of extremity can range from being a nuisance to–especially for those who suffer from anxiety–a panic attack-inducing one. It may also necessitate the person shutting down their account and having to create a new one, which is also stressful and time-consuming.
Online impersonation
Identity theft can happen on a social level, and this is a type of online harassment. Those who misrepresent themselves to others as a stolen identity do so without consent and typically in an attempt to harm, intimidate, defraud, or steal from the person and their acquaintances.
Doxxing
More dangerous is doxxing, which is to publish identifying or private information not publicly available about an individual—like their home address—to encourage harassment by others. This can take place over any period of time and on any kind of platform, including the dark web, as well as social media. Doxxing is illegal in some states and can lead to fines and/or jail time, even in “hacktivist” cases, where doxxers release information on affiliation-based targets, such as doxxing suspected KKK members.
Related is the crime of swatting, when a call is made to law enforcement to address a fictitious situation in an attempt to scare the person they are harassing. Creating this dangerous scenario can result in repayment for the municipal funds used to answer the call as well as imprisonment.
Cyberstalking
Cyberstalking is also a federal offense, and all 50 states have laws in place to protect people from this type of serious online harassment. Cyberstalking differs from cyberbullying because it includes the tracking down of people’s whereabouts or monitoring their behavior in a manner to make them feel like they are being watched. It can also include identity theft, solicitation and threats. If the internet and other forms of technology, including cell phones, have been used to make unwanted contact or to cause feelings of fear or concern for another person’s safety, those actions may fall under the crime of cyberstalking. Cyberstalking is a prolonged, repeated use of abusive behaviors intended to “kill, injure, harass, intimidate, or place under surveillance” with those intentions, per 18 U.S. Code § 2261A.
Revenge porn
This term refers to the non-consensual distribution of sexually explicit content, typically released with the intent to embarrass or harm the person’s reputation. Even if the personal texts, photos and videos were sent voluntarily, it is considered non-consensual pornography to share or make the information public, and is therefore illegal in both civil and criminal law.
The ramifications of online harassment
No matter the severity of the offense, online harassment in any shape or form exacts a significant mental, physical and emotional toll on those who have experienced it. Online harassment can also increase in severity over time, as Ong notes, making it hard to gauge when it does cross the line from an annoyance to harassment. “While one-offs may be easier to absorb, one should be mindful of increasing volumes or frequency of this type of engagement and behavior,” Ong says. This is critical because once it reaches extreme levels, it may be very difficult to manage and de-escalate.
Robin Torres, LCSW, CASAC-T, also says “due to the fact that these statements are seen by multiple people and can be difficult to remove from the internet, the ramifications can actually be worse than typical harassment or bullying.” In her experience as a practicing social worker, “Prolonged online harassment can lead to increased depressive and anxiety symptoms, self-injurious behaviors, or suicidal thoughts or actions.”
Stopping online harassment
Online harassment and in-person bullying are two sides of the same coin, which is why Ong believes, “As a society … we haven’t taken this on in a way that addresses the systemic behaviors or causes that lead to bullying and harassment both in-person and online. This behavior existed before the internet; it has just transferred over to new forums that have a broader reach and frequency.”
Many anti-bullying advocacy groups and resources created in the past several years also address online harassment. Additionally, several laws have been passed for specific types of online harassment. For example, many of the forms listed previously (stalking, swatting, etc.) carry legal consequences.
On the upside, according to UNICEF, technology companies are paying more attention to this issue, particularly when it comes to their younger users. They are developing new tools, guidance, and ways to report online abuse, as well as curating references like ours on how to find support.
What not to say
Because online harassment can take so many forms, morphing and evolving with our digital resources, you want to be mindful of your response when someone trusts you with their situation. It’s important to understand that the fear, panic, and threats are just as real online as real life, which is why the following responses may not be reassuring.
“Just ignore it. It will go away.”
Why it doesn't work: The most unhelpful thing you can do is dismiss the serious nature of online harassment. “Brushing someone’s feelings aside and just telling them to ignore it is not helpful,” says social worker Robin Torres. Encouraging the person being harassed to sweep it under the rug gives the threat room to escalate as they let down their guard or are gaslit into believing they are overreacting. While some trolls give up when they are ignored, others may feel compelled to continue or try more extreme measures to elicit a response.
"They’re just unhinged/crazy.”
Why it doesn't work: Dismissing the aggressor as mentally unstable doesn’t reduce the threat nor the fear of repercussion your loved one being harassed may feel. In fact, it might make them feel even less safe. It is also harmful to continue to attach this type of language to those whose mental health may be suffering, as it perpetuates the stigmatization of mental illness.
"You should fire back."
Why it doesn't work: This can add fuel to the flame. Online trolls thrive on engagement, and entering into a comment war can exacerbate the situation. This often devolves into name-calling between all involved and accusations of cowardice to the primary party. It can also backfire if the person initially harassed becomes the aggressor and faces the consequences of their heightened actions.
"It’s only social media. Don’t let it bother you.”
Why it doesn't work: Not only does this minimize the threat to your loved one’s mental, emotional or physical well-being, it also implies that their worry is unwarranted or within their control. Online harassment can be immensely traumatic and anxiety-inducing, and to downplay its impact can make the person you want to support feel gaslit or unheard.
"You need to go to the authorities.”
Why it doesn't work: “Social media sites that are meant to monitor poor online behavior rarely actually address online harassment … if you are accosted online, it’s extremely hard to know what criminal agency is supposed to tackle this,” lifestyle writer Hannah Selinger says, from firsthand experience. “Agencies I’ve tried [contacting] regarding death threats [include] the FBI, my local police department, the police department of the person making the death threats; none seemed to think [their] problem.” However, “if an individual feels an immediate or escalated threat to their safety, law enforcement should be engaged,” Ong says.
If it is happening in the workplace, it should be reported to the management team or an HR representative.
"Those people aren’t real. They’re never going to do anything.”
Why it doesn't work: This response directly refutes the very real, very tangible distress the person being harassed is feeling. Whether the perpetrator is nameless, faceless, or otherwise behind-the-screen, they are still a person making your loved one feel unsafe. Additionally, the situation can easily move from behind-the-screen to IRL the longer it goes on, the more information is discovered by the harasser or the greater the ill will expands.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
With so many types of online harassment to consider, it can be challenging to find the right thing to say. Here are some of the supportive approaches we recommend starting from.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“I understand that online bullying is real. What can I do to help?”
Why it works: Selinger found this to be a helpful conversation starter when personally dealing with online harassment, helping to validate her feelings and need for support. Ong says, “the best support is geared toward seeking to understand and providing a safe space where individuals can be heard, not dismissed.
“Are you okay? Do you feel safe? Please tell me what happened.”
Why it works: In Ong’s experience, an immediate check-in on their welfare, signaling empathy, and following it up with an invitation to talk things out, has been the best opener when colleagues have entrusted her with instances of harassment. As an HR professional, her job is to assess the situation, which is why she will follow these conversation starters with further questions, such as finding out who else is aware, if it has been reported, and most importantly, “how can we support you?”
“How are you being supported outside of this conversation?”
Why it works: It’s important to make sure the right people and resources are pulled in as needed because these situations can escalate quickly. From there, you and your loved one can work together to decide what actions need to be taken and what support group may be right for them.
"Let’s work on disengaging and distancing yourself. Do you want me to help you block them?”
Why it works: While ignoring the problem and hoping it goes away on its own is not always effective, actively shutting down contact from them might be. This can mean blocking their account, removing them from friends lists, and contacting the school or organization connecting the harasser and the harassed. Selinger says, “I personally find that the most useful thing to do when I am being harassed is just block my aggressor. Blocking is a function that is available on almost every social media platform, and it’s available on email, too.”
"Let me help you document this harassment.”
Why it works: This shows that you take the harassment seriously and are listening closely to your loved one. Collecting evidence of conversations, points of unsolicited contact and attempts to disengage from the harasser assists in actively preparing for the defensive in case legal action does become necessary. It also provides proof that the situation is serious and not imagined, which makes other people less susceptible to gaslighting.
"Do you want to create a new private account? I’ll help you do it.”
Why it works: It may be tough for your loved one to consider scrapping the accounts they’ve spent years cultivating, but in extreme cases, they may be ready to go that length to stop the bullying. Harassers may still try to seek out their target again using a different account, but creating a new email address or social media account with ultra-private access will make it more difficult for them to do so. By offering hands-on support and being among the first to connect on the new accounts, you are showing they do not need to disappear from the virtual world and they are not alone in their new identities.
How to recover
If you find you have inadvertently said the wrong thing to someone who is being harassed, apologize. As Ong sees it, “In these situations, it’s okay to acknowledge you may not have had much experience supporting this type of situation and acknowledge, upon reflection, you realized [something] was said that may not have been the right response, choice, and advice.”
Other suggestions
“If harassment is stemming from the workplace or resulting from your work, reach out to your management team or HR representative,” Ong encourages. “If these avenues seem unsafe, find out if your organization has an employee hotline or whistleblower number where you can share the situation confidentially.”
Lean on company employee assistance programs or offerings. Many of these services are offered free and confidentially as part of employee benefits and act as a conduit to connect individuals with the help they need.
Alternatively, Ong also recommends helping the individual find a local group or organization that may be able to provide guidance, like StopBullying.gov, Cybersmile and others.
In any event, the best way to offer support can sometimes be to actively offer support. The key to stopping dogpiling in its tracks and halting abuse is often to step in as a third party and allow social mores of acceptability to do their natural job.