What to Say: Pet Ownership
Explore the changing place of pet ownership and help support your loved one as they acquire an animal friend.
Explore the changing place of pet ownership and help support your loved one as they acquire an animal friend.
What we'll cover
According to a 2020 study, around 60% of all Americans own pets. That’s a lot of furry (or not furry) friends. In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll dive into the nitty-gritty of pet ownership. We’ll also tell you what to say and what not to say to someone opening their home to a new pet.
What it is
Pet ownership is complicated, but there are some science-backed benefits. Dog ownership, for example, was linked to decreased cardiovascular risk. Animal companionship lowered stress. For aging adults, pet ownership was linked to better cognitive function. Additionally, 85% of those surveyed indicated pets contributed to their happiness.
But pet ownership has also been linked to lower well-being. In a study of pet owners during the COVID-19 lockdown, owners reported lower life satisfaction and higher loneliness, suggesting pet ownership was another caretaking burden for adults during a particularly burdensome time. These results also underlined the potential financial burden of pet ownership.
And this makes sense—pets require work. Dogs, one of the most popular pets in the United States, require exercise, ample space and secure financial resources.
Puppy blues
"Puppy blues" is a term used by new dog owners to describe the feelings of regret, upset or frustration that come with new dog ownership. But this feeling can apply to cats and other animal friends. No matter what kind of pet your loved one has gotten, they may be feeling overwhelmed.
The adoption or purchase of a pet changes lots of things in your loved one’s life. They need to adjust their routine, their habits and their responsibilities to take care of themselves and their new pet. They may have to drop some of their nighttime activities, to get back home to care for a pet. They may have financial constraints that weren’t there before like vet visits and petsitters. Many life changes accompany pet ownership, and some of those changes are difficult.
If your loved one expresses regret or sadness, let them know these feelings are normal. Usually, puppy blues clears in a couple of months, when the responsibilities of pet ownership become more routine. If they received a pet from a rescue, the pet may have some anxiety or aggression issues stemming from their past. Reassure your loved one that they and their pet will grow to love one another. Give your loved one and their pet grace, as they develop new habits and behaviors together.
It can be hard for people to admit they are feeling overwhelmed after pet ownership, especially first-time pet ownership. Let your loved one know you’re a safe space for them to sort out any feelings they have, even the ones that are less pleasant to talk about. Share in their excitement, and acknowledge their fears. Soon, your loved one and their pet will be best friends. And you’ll have been a great support system the whole way through.
What not to say
Now that we’ve outlined the benefits (and drawbacks) of pet ownership, we’ll let you know what not to say to a pet owner.
“Are you sure you’re responsible enough to own a pet?”
Why it doesn't work: Pet ownership is a large responsibility, but that isn’t your call to make. If you are worried about your loved one’s ability to take care of a pet, offer to help them, rather than accusing them of not being responsible. Negative comments like this will stick with your loved one and may make them less likely to reach out when they need help.
“Well, at least you’ll be less lonely now!”
Why it doesn't work: This statement can be considered rude, but it is also incorrect. Studies differ on if pets make adults less lonely. People own pets for many reasons. Companionship is one of those reasons, but not the only one. Don’t make assumptions about why your loved one is getting a pet or assumptions about their own life satisfaction.
“It’s going to destroy your home!”
Why it doesn't work: Pets certainly change your relationship with your home. Most pet owners would advise new pet owners to pet-proof certain areas of your home. But statements like this frame these changes solely as a negative. Don’t predict bad outcomes for your loved one starting their pet ownership journey.
“Good for you. I could never.”
Why it doesn't work: You may not choose to be a pet owner, but now isn’t the time to mention it. Pet ownership is hard work, and your loved one will certainly learn that in time. Now, as they bring the pet home, it is a time for you to be excited for them.
“I’ll never be coming over again. I’m allergic.”
Why it doesn't work: Being allergic to your loved one’s new pet friend is a real and serious issue, but now is not the time to bring it up. Friendships have survived allergies. If you are worried how your allergies may impact your relationship with your pet-owning loved one, now is time to brainstorm. Where can you meet that isn’t your friend’s house?
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that we know what not to say, we’ll go over some things you can say to brighten up a new pet owner’s day.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“Send me a picture!”
Why it works: If you’ve ever met a pet owner, they love to share a photo. Asking for a photo of the new pet indicates your interest in your loved one’s life change. It also gives your friend permission to do what they likely wanted to do anyway: share the cuteness of their new pet.
“A new pet can be a lot. How are you feeling?”
Why it works: A lot of new pet owners feel “puppy blues,” which is regret or disappointment that may occur after acquiring a pet. On a personal note, I’m obsessed with my dog, but the first three months we had him, I was terrified. By starting with an open-ended and non-judgmental question, you’re allowing your friend space to communicate all their feelings about pet ownership.
“I know a great dog groomer/pet sitter/exotic pet supply store.”
Why it works: If you are a pet owner yourself, providing recommendations to your friend is always a good place to start. The pet industry is a popular one. Having trusted recommendations for pet trainers, doggy daycares and vets are always helpful to new pet owners. With an opener like this, you’re showing your know-how and your desire to be a resource for your friend.
How to recover
If you’ve said the wrong thing, there’s plenty of time to recover. Most pet owners understand others may not feel the same way about animals that they do. People fear animals of all sorts, and it may take you time to warm up to a new loved one’s pet. Your friend should give you grace as you get to know the new animal on the street. As long as you make a good faith effort to get to know your friend's pet and take an interest, your friend will likely forget whatever thing you said wrong.
Other suggestions
Pet ownership—especially for first-time pet owners—can be overwhelming. Here are some ways you can share in the excitement of a new pet, while also providing some practical assistance.
— Ask for pictures: Everyone wants to share a cute picture of their new pet. Your loved one wants to share. Don’t only let them, encourage them.
— Give a gift: A great way to show your loved one that you’re excited about their new pet is by giving them a gift, like a toy or gift certificate to a pet store. The new pet owner will be touched by your conscientiousness.
— Share recommendations: If you are a pet owner yourself, share the information you have. Do you have a great vet or know a good cat sitter? Your loved one will appreciate fully vetted recommendations. Best Friends, an animal shelter in Los Angeles, provides a guide for new dog owners.
— Be there: Your loved one may want to stay close to home with a new pet in the house. Be cognizant and understanding of this new pet anxiety. Offer to visit their neighborhood. If they’ve gotten a new dog or other walkable pet, offer to exercise with your loved one and their new animal friend.