What to Say: Physical Assault
Be understanding and supportive during this traumatic time.
Be understanding and supportive during this traumatic time.
Renee Harleston
Reviewer URLBe understanding and supportive during this traumatic time.
What we'll cover
Assault is a traumatic experience that can leave lasting physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological side effects. If you know someone who's been victimized in this way, it’s essential to be a good listener and provide empathy and support, not judgment or blame, if they want to discuss it with you.
This “What to Say” guide will help you understand what to say and what not to say when speaking to someone who’s been assaulted.
What it is
An act of physical assault occurs when one person uses force or violence against another to cause injury or distress. Assault is possible with other forms of abuse, such as threatening or acting in a manner that makes someone feel endangered. The legal definition of assault may vary depending on where you live, the nature of the resultant harm, the weapon used (if any) or other factors. If someone is in danger of being physically harmed, the police may intervene to ensure their safety.
Everyone reacts differently, but knowing what to anticipate in terms of typical emotions and physical responses may be beneficial. After a traumatic event, shock and denial are typical mechanisms for coping. Your loved one’s emotions may wane. They may not feel the event's full force immediately. This is the difference between an acute (first four weeks) and a post-stress response (beyond four weeks).
Mental health risks
Victims of assault are more likely to develop mental health problems such as anxiety, depression or substance abuse than those who have not been assaulted. Fear, tension, anxiety, exacerbated alcohol or drug misuse, depression, eating disorders, self-injury, and suicide are all potential long-term outcomes of assault.
After experiencing trauma, it is common to experience disturbing recollections, heightened anxiety and problems sleeping. It is possible for psychological symptoms to manifest later or to come and go intermittently. Extreme or prolonged exposure to trauma might increase a person's risk of developing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Not everyone experiences the same symptoms of PTSD. However, intense, distressing flashbacks to the traumatic incident might arise at any moment. PTSD may be present if the symptoms persist for more than four weeks and cause significant disruption to daily life.
Support and treatment options
Assault and trauma symptoms can be treated with psychotherapy, medication or a combination of the two. Various types of talk psychotherapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, cognitive processing therapy and prolonged exposure can help a person suffering from PTSD as a result of physical assault. Other effective treatments include EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) and narrative exposure therapy, which includes placing the traumatic incident in the context of a life story. Antidepressants and anxiety medication are two examples of what might be prescribed to help with symptoms.
Along with traditional treatments, modern, alternative and holistic medicine may incorporate mind and body therapies like yoga and meditation. Because the impact of trauma is sometimes stored in the body, alternative treatments can often address and release sensations and emotions that traditional therapies cannot.
While each person's experience with PTSD is unique, there are some common aspects in managing it. Any sort of therapy or medication will only be effective if the person who was assaulted is willing to seek help and actively participate in the process. Knowing that a loved one has been physically assaulted or having a loved one open up to you allows you to be a supportive, listening ear, and offer a compassionate nudge letting them know that treatment options are available to help them begin the healing process.
What not to say
Show your support and empathy for your loved one when they talk about their experience. When someone isn't sure how they'll react to hearing about a loved one being assaulted, they may react emotionally and rashly, coming across as upset or judgmental. Clinical psychologist Chad A. Buck, Ph.D., recommends concentrating less on your words and more on the other person's words.
“It’s all in your head.”
Why it doesn't work: Take care not to over, or under, state what happened. Maintain your attention on what your loved one is saying rather than what you imagine they are feeling or thinking. You may ask, "How did that feel?" or, "What emotions surface when you think about it now?"
“You should be over this by now.”
Why it doesn't work: It can be difficult for someone physically assaulted to believe that they should be "over it" by now. It's important to remember that everyone heals at their own pace. Some people may need weeks, months, or years to feel like themselves again. Some may never feel like their “old selves.” Telling them that they should be over it already can invalidate their experiences and make them feel as if they are not entitled to their feelings. It is critical to be supportive, understanding and patient as they heal.
"Why did you put yourself in that situation?"
Why it doesn't work: Too many questions for survivors of physical violence and abuse imply that they have some responsibility for what happened. You may wonder about such things, but you don't have to voice them. Too many questions may be interpreted as criticism or a lack of confidence in their ability to handle the situation as best as they could. You're not a detective looking to crack a case; you're comforting someone who's been through a horrific experience.
"It could’ve been worse."
Why it doesn't work: This statement can feel belittling. Remember that each story is unique and not meant to be compared to anybody else's.
"You should have known better."
Why it doesn't work: Witnessing a survivor's battle with assault aftereffects can be difficult. To avoid sounding condescending, choose supportive words carefully. Comments like the above example don't provide a safe space for your loved one and may discourage them from talking about or processing the experience healthily, impacting their mental health.
What to say
It can be challenging to know what to say or how to respond when a loved one has come forward to tell you that they've been physically assaulted. Remember that the context and intent behind your words are more important than their precise arrangement. The most important thing is listening to your loved ones and letting them know you're there for them.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I don't know what resources are out there, but I can help you find out."
Why it works: Some people don't need much additional help because they have established networks of loved ones or mental health specialists. Still, you can provide a variety of alternatives so they can get the help they need if they need it.
"Let's chat whenever you're ready. There is no pressure."
Why it works: It's crucial to ensure your loved one knows you are available and that they may speak about the incident whenever they're ready. Only some people who seem inclined to discuss their experience are prepared to do so in its entirety. If you see it posted online and want to express your support, say that you've seen it and are willing to listen.
How to recover
Even if you mean well, there are instances when your words do more harm than good. It's okay if not every word you say is perfect. Your objective is to promote your loved one's sense of security and confidence in you. Reminding a loved one that you're available for them if they need you may be helpful. Do this actively, but not in a demanding way.
Other suggestions
Your victimized loved one has a right to confidentiality, and you should not share their story unless you are a required reporter or fear for their safety. Assure them that you will always be there for them and that your concern for their well-being remains unchanged. However long ago the incident occurred, the emotional scars remain. So, periodically check on them and make yourself available.
It's typical to feel unsafe after experiencing trauma, so giving your loved one their own space is essential. This concept includes being there if they need you but not pressing them to talk about the incident or any post-traumatic symptoms. Sometimes, giving someone emotional space and freedom is just as vital.
Everyone deserves a safe home and a healthy relationship. If you feel unsafe in your home or relationship, call the National Violence Domestic Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They are available 24/7.