What to Say: Pregnancy
Supporting a pregnant loved one as they navigate this time.
Supporting a pregnant loved one as they navigate this time.
Renee Harleston
Reviewer URLSupporting a pregnant loved one as they navigate this time.
What we'll cover
Having a baby is one of the most life-changing events a person can experience. From physical symptoms to a spectrum of emotions, pregnancy can be all-consuming.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll look at the physical, mental and emotional changes a pregnant person experiences. We’ll help you learn what phrases may seem offensive as well as what phrases are typically considered kind and helpful. You’ll also learn about additional ways to offer support beyond well wishes and kind words.
What it is
We often think of pregnancy as a happy, glowing time in someone’s life. While this can be the case for some people, it isn’t this way for everyone, and many people struggle with the physical, mental, financial and emotional changes pregnancy brings. From body aches to heartburn to nausea and vomiting, pregnancy can cause undesirable symptoms. Whether mild or severe, nearly every pregnancy causes symptoms, usually within the first eight weeks after their last menstrual period.
While some pregnancy symptoms are more of an inconvenience, others can be debilitating and even life threatening. Hyperemesis gravidarum, for example, causes extreme nausea and vomiting that often leads to hospitalization. Gestational diabetes is a relatively common pregnancy complication that can affect both the pregnant person’s health and the health of the newborn baby. Other serious complications, like cholestasis of pregnancy and preeclampsia, can lead to preterm delivery and can raise health concerns for both parent and baby.
The side effects
In addition to physical symptoms, pregnancy can also cause mood disorders like anxiety and depression. A case control study found that nearly 20% of pregnant people experience a mood disorder, including generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder. It’s unclear exactly why pregnant people are prone to mood disorders, although one study found a link between hyperemesis gravidarum and mood disorders. Additionally, mood disorders may be related to hormone changes and other obstetric complications.
Not to mention, pregnant people have to mentally and emotionally prepare to bring a new human into the world. They also need to prepare their home or adjust their old lifestyle for a new baby. They’ll also need to buy or rent new expensive gear like a crib and a car seat while baby-proofing their home.
Pregnancy and its accompanying symptoms can affect all kinds of relationships, from work relationships to friendships to family. For pregnant people, just getting through the day can be exhausting, and it can be hard to keep up with a once-lively social life. Pregnancy can also keep people from hobbies or social activities they once enjoyed, such as playing contact sports, grabbing a drink after work, or relaxing in a hot tub. These activities aren’t considered safe during pregnancy. It can be difficult emotionally for someone to lose these aspects of themselves because they can be stress relievers, and they may consider their hobbies or social life part of their identity.
Pregnancy is also one of the most vulnerable periods a person can go through. Many pregnant people have concerns outside of their health. Pregnant people face higher rates of assault, domestic violence and death. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, domestic abuse can begin or escalate during pregnancy. Additionally, worldwide, nearly 900 people die every day due to pregnancy and childbirth complications.
Of course, every pregnancy is different. It’s easy to forget this, however, when it comes time to interact with our pregnant friends and loved ones. Never assume that somebody’s pregnancy journey lines up with what you already know about pregnancy. Instead, aim to listen and understand before you speak, and learn more about what to say and what not to say below.
What not to say
Often, people who are struggling with any aspect of their pregnancy don’t come right out and say it, whether they’re having issues with weight gain or are struggling with fears and anxieties. There is a societal expectation that pregnant people be happy and excited. Knowing what not to say can help you avoid unknowingly causing them distress. Here are some things to avoid saying when speaking to someone who is pregnant.
“Wow you look big!” OR “Wow you look small!”
Why it doesn't work: Commenting on a pregnant person’s size in any way can bring up strong emotions and anxieties. In an article for U.S. News & World Report, psychologist Jodi Rubin said commenting on a pregnant person’s size can be a form of fat-shaming and skinny-shaming. Other common offending phrases to avoid include, “Are you sure there’s only one?,” “You look like you’re due any day now” and “Are you sure you’re eating enough?”
“Was it planned?”
Why it doesn't work: Many people find this question invasive and insensitive because they might think you are implying that you don’t think they should have a baby. Chances are, if they thought it was your business to know whether their pregnancy was planned or not, they would have already told you.
“Just wait until the baby comes; you’ll never sleep again.”
Why it doesn't work: Any phrase that starts with “just wait” and ends with something negative isn’t helpful. Phrases like this make it hard for people to enjoy the moment they’re in. In an article for Parents, psychologist Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D. said “just wait” phrases can make pregnant people shut down and be dishonest about struggles they may be having.
“My birth was terrifying and traumatic. Let me tell you about it…”
Why it doesn't work: People want to tell their birth stories, which is understandable. It might seem like it’s a good idea to tell a traumatic birth story that ended well, but most pregnant people don’t want to hear about the terrifying worst case scenarios. It can make them feel even more fearful of the unknown and give them something extra to worry about.
Any form of unsolicited advice.
Why it doesn't work: Especially in today’s world, pregnant people are inundated with advice, and much of it is conflicting. “Sometimes imposing your own advice isn't always wanted or helpful. Just listening, normalizing, agreeing, validating—I think that goes a long way," said Guarnotta.
What to say
Admittedly, it can be hard to know what to say to a pregnant person when it seems like so many well-meaning phrases are off-limits. However, there are many things you can say that are simply kind or complimentary. Consider trying out one of the ones listed below.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“You’ll be a great parent.”
Why it works: Pregnant people often wonder how they’ll fare as a parent. A kind word can give them confidence as they prepare for one of the biggest changes of their life. Of course, this phrase should be reserved for people who are planning on keeping and raising their baby.
"You look beautiful."
Why it works: Avoid commenting on a pregnant person’s size. It can be hard for someone pregnant to watch their body change drastically and quickly. Offering a positive comment on their general appearance can lift their spirits.
"Congratulations! I'm so happy for you!"
Why it works: You don’t have to get complicated when offering support to a pregnant person. A simple phrase like this shows your support with little possibility of offending them. Saying “I’m happy for you” can also be a subtle way to let them know that you approve of their pregnancy, which is something many pregnant people need to hear. Many pregnant people fear they won’t be a good parent or they didn’t make a good choice in getting pregnant, so that external validation can set their mind at ease.
How to recover
If you accidentally say the wrong thing, the first and best thing to do is apologize. Unless they are very open about their pregnancy and any complications they may be facing, it’s hard to know if they are enjoying their pregnancy or if they’re really struggling. Regardless of the reason, your comment may come off the wrong way. Vow to listen better and to try to be more careful with your words in the future. Because every pregnancy is different, it’s best to listen to learn and understand how your loved one is experiencing their pregnancy before making any comments.
Other suggestions
One of the most helpful things you can do for a pregnant person is help take the load off. What’s most helpful might look different for each person. Ask your pregnant loved one what they need specifically. Although fixing a meal for them or helping with chores around their house may be appreciated, your loved one may have a more pressing need. Listen to what they say, and determine when and if you are capable of helping them.