What to Say: Resignations
Support your loved ones if they decide to quit their job.
Support your loved ones if they decide to quit their job.
Support your loved ones if they decide to quit their job.
What we'll cover
Job resignation has been a hot topic in the last few years. In 2021, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported 47 million Americans left their jobs, a new high. This was a 33 percent increase from the 35.9 million in 2020.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll cover the reality of resignations, why people resign and how to talk to your loved ones who decide to quit. We’ll also tell you what not to say and other ways to provide support.
What it is
According to a 2022 report from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology analyzing 34 million online employee profiles, researchers identified five predictors of why employees left a job. These predictors include toxic work culture, job insecurity and a lack of employee recognition. The authors define toxic work culture as one that fails to promote diversity and inclusion, one that engages in unethical behavior and a culture where employees do not feel respected. Researchers found work culture, even more than wages, drove resignations.
It is emotionally challenging to quit a job, and joblessness can cause psychological distress. According to Andrew Naber, an industrial and organizational psychologist, we spend 90,000 hours of our life at work. Work makes up a large part of our lives and how we structure our days. In a recent Pew Research Center study, about four in 10 workers reported their job to be “extremely” or “very important” to their overall identity. For those who gain a sense of identity from their work, the transition out of a job may be extremely difficult.
Employees who quit due to disrespect may feel even more negative emotions. A 2016 study about incivility (rude behavior) at work said those who have experienced incivility in their organization are more likely to experience anger and guilt. For those dedicated to their organizations, this anger and guilt can turn inwards.
We spend countless hours of our lives at work. It is no surprise, then, that quitting a job can come with a large series of emotions. When talking to your loved one, it is important to allow space for that wide range. Don’t tell them how they feel, but rather ask questions to get a better picture of their emotional state.
What not to say
Leaving a job is a normal part of life, but that doesn’t mean the emotions of it aren’t complicated. We’ll help you avoid saying the wrong thing.
"Don't worry!"
Why it doesn't work: Anxiety is rarely logical. Rather than telling your loved one not to worry, listen to their fears. By venting to you, they can better process their own emotions. As a listening ear, you let the other person have time to really think through what they are feeling.
"It's just a job!"
Why it doesn't work: If your loved one is feeling this way, it is fine to validate. But many people receive a sense of identity in their jobs. Or they may feel like they are letting down their coworkers by leaving. Let your loved one tell you how they feel about their job and support them in that feeling. Don’t put words in their mouth.
“You’ll be broke!”
Why it doesn't work: Quitting a job can be frightening due to financial reasons. Rather than underlining this fear, trust that your loved one made the decision for a good reason. Unless you have finances tied to your loved one, it is better to let them approach you about talking about finances rather than the other way around.
“I could never. I’d never quit a job.”
Why it doesn't work: When talking to your loved one, make sure not to redirect the conversation to yourself. Focus on their feelings, rather than your own. They’re the one facing this situation. Stay present.
"You must be so stressed.
Why it doesn't work: Acknowledging the feelings of your loved one is a kind impulse. But rather than opening with an assumption of how your loved one feels, ask them instead. The question “how do you feel?” opens the door for your loved one to talk about the complicated feelings they may be having, not just a singular one.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
These conversation starters can be a good jumping-off point, but your response should keep in mind the complicated feelings of leaving a job. Some may make the decision due to a positive life change like acquiring a new job. Others may leave because they feel disrespected at work. There are many things that go into leaving a job. Utilize phrases like the ones below to offer your support.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“That’s a really big decision. How are you feeling? What led you to this decision?”
Why it works: Leading with questions and curiosity is always a good way to begin. This opening lets your loved one tell you how they feel. And by asking them how they made that decision, you’re letting them talk about the practical parts of job resignation.
“Congratulations!/Oh I’m sorry! How are you feeling?”
Why it works: If you know your loved one’s job situation, it is fine to reflect that. Congratulate them if they’ve been talking about quitting for a while. Express your sympathy if they felt forced to quit by a workplace that couldn’t meet their needs. You know your loved one best, but if you’ve been discussing it frequently, it makes sense to acknowledge that.
How to recover
If you’ve said the wrong thing, apologize. Other than that, be sure to be there for them in the coming days and weeks. Whether they are leaving for a new job, working independently or quitting without something else lined up, the time after quitting can be filled with a bit of turbulence. Show them you want to support them by showing up during this time.
Other suggestions
If your loved one is starting a new job, mark down their start date using the Thoughtful app. Create a reminder to buy them a gift or take them out to dinner in celebration of their first day.
If your loved one has quit to work independently or without another job lined up, be sure to keep them in mind. They may need to adjust to a new schedule, and having a friend who wants to spend time together can be helpful. Be there for them in the weeks after quitting by checking in about how they feel and what they may need.