What to Say: Retirement
How to support your loved ones as they transition to retirement.
How to support your loved ones as they transition to retirement.
How to support your loved ones as they transition to retirement.
What we'll cover
Retiring is one of the most life-changing events someone can experience. In fact, it’s enough to disrupt a person’s identity.
In this “What to Say'' guide, we’ll look at the emotional, psychological, social and financial ramifications retirement can have on a person’s life. We’ll also share some phrases you can use to help support a loved one through retirement as well as some phrases to avoid saying.
What it is
Simply put, retirement is when someone stops working. The current official retirement age in the United States, according to the Social Security Administration, is 66 or 67, depending on the year you were born.
However, retirement can mean different things to different people, and it doesn’t just mean lounging poolside for the next 20 years. Everybody has a different retirement experience; some people choose to travel, some spend more time with family, and some continue to work a “retirement job” out of necessity or simply because they want to.
Regardless of your loved one’s plans, retirement can be scary. The future can feel very uncertain, and retiring means saying goodbye to a way of life your loved one has likely known for decades. “Every domain of life—social, physical, psychological, emotional—can be affected, but the degree to which that change is felt and whether that is a positive, negative, neutral, or mixed experience depends on each individual and the context of their lives,” explains occupational therapist Stacey Schepens Niemiec, Ph.D., OTR/L DipACLM/DipIBLM.
What retirement looks like can vary widely based on the type of work a person did, says Niemiec, who researches the promotion of health and wellness in older individuals.
Retirement and mental health
Retirement is a long sought-after period of life that is full of relief and relaxation for many people, but many others struggle with their mental health during this time. A 2017 study found retirement may increase depressive symptoms for some people, and another study found mental health may suffer the most when people face involuntary job loss. This is sometimes called retirement blues or depression.
From losing a sense of purpose to having fewer opportunities to experience a sense of achievement and satisfaction, there are many reasons retirement can lead to decreased mental health. Depression isn’t the only mental health concern among retirees; they may also face anxiety, anger, and insomnia.
Staying engaged and finding ways to occupy their time can help many retirees combat retirement blues. Thoughtful support from a loved one can help as well.
Financial strains
Money is also a major concern when it comes to retirement. Many people worry about how they’ll continue to support themselves when they are no longer working. In addition to housing and costs of daily living, they also need to pay for unexpected expenses and healthcare. While people can qualify for Medicare after age 65, that might not be enough, and they can still face extensive healthcare costs.
Dawn-Marie Joseph, founder of Estate Planning & Preservation, a business that helps people plan for the future by helping with income planning, estate planning, wealth accumulation, and more, says retirement can feel unsettling even for people who have a plan. The future is unpredictable, and even people who have a lot of money saved worry about whether it will be enough. “Many people worry about what they will do to fill the time, as well as how they will spend their money without going broke. Even people with the best plans question themselves,” she says.
A survey conducted by GOBankingRates, a personal finance resource, found many Americans aren’t prepared for retirement. Even those who are prepared often end up spending more money in retirement than they anticipate. Add to this the fact that we are living longer than we have in the past (life expectancy has increased over six years since 2000!), and money can become a real strain during retirement.
The bottom line is that retirement can be scary for anyone, even someone who has been looking forward to their golden years for decades. From lifestyle changes to retirement blues to financial concerns, retirement isn’t a walk in the park for many people. By being thoughtful about the way you interact with your loved one who is retiring, you can support them through this life transition.
What not to say
It’s normal to be worried about saying the wrong thing to your loved one. Because there are such vast experiences of retirement, what might be the right thing to say for one person could be the wrong thing to say for someone else. In general, avoid the following phrases when speaking to your loved one about retirement.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, especially when everyone has a different retirement experience, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. While they’re going through retirement, your loved one will appreciate any reflective words you can offer. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
"Oh, you’re retired, you should have plenty of time to do X, Y or Z."
Why it doesn't work: According to Niemiec, “because retirement can come with new or different roles and responsibilities, time gains are not something individuals universally experience.” Even if your loved one does have more time on their hands after retiring, they may not want to spend that time doing whatever you are suggesting. Similarly, asking someone what they are going to do with all of their free time may cause some anxiety as they themselves question what their new normal will look like.
"How much money do you have saved?"
Why it doesn't work: Most people have a savings, pension or retirement account, and they might also collect Social Security. However, it’s never polite to ask someone how much money they have. Asking this question might also remind your loved one that they’re a bit worried about their financial future. Unless they bring it up, it’s best to keep money out of the conversation.
"Aren’t you going to be bored?"
Why it doesn't work: Regardless of your loved one’s answer to this question, they may feel like you’re judging what they choose to do with their time. Many people find meaningful hobbies or ways to spend their time in retirement, such as volunteering or spending more time with their grandkids. Where some people find these activities boring, your loved one might find them incredibly fulfilling.
On the flip side, maybe your loved one is concerned about getting bored once they retire. They may be afraid their physical or mental condition will decline, especially if they can’t find enough activities to occupy their time. They may not welcome being reminded of this. If you are truly concerned your loved one will become bored, consider inviting them to do an activity with you or pointing them in the direction of some helpful retirement resources.
"My cousin thought he would love retirement, but he ended up hating it." (Or any other negative comment)
Why it doesn't work: There is rarely a situation where a negative comment is helpful. “There will be challenges, some financial and others mentally, but each person is an individual and will have their own experiences with retirement,” explained Joseph. Rather than scaring your loved one with someone else’s negative experience, try to think of a positive retirement experience to tell them about.
What to say
It can be hard to know what to say to someone who is retiring because everyone experiences retirement differently. If you aren’t sure how your loved one feels about retirement, general statements can help you break the ice and broach the subject.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"How are you feeling about retiring?"
Why it works: Your loved one may have a lot of emotions about retiring, and those emotions may change from one day to the next. Asking this open-ended question gives them the floor to talk about how they’re feeling. “Even though that person may say they are looking forward to retirement, they are walking into the new unknown, and it can be scary for them,” Joseph explains. If they open up to you during your conversation, validate their feelings, whether positive or negative.
"You’ve had such a great career. What’s one piece of advice you would give to someone just starting out?"
Why it works: You’ll find that most people love to talk about themselves and their experiences. Asking a question like this gives your loved one a chance to think back and reminisce on their career and life as a whole. It can also help them feel valued at a time when they might be feeling cast aside and unimportant.
How to recover
The transition to retirement is emotionally charged for many people. Even the most well-intentioned comment can be taken the wrong way, and it’s possible you may offend or upset your loved one during a conversation. If this happens, apologize to your loved one and ask them what you can do to make it better. Then, vow to really listen to their response and do what they suggest to atone for upsetting them.
Other suggestions
If you have a sense of how your loved one would like to spend their retirement, try to support them in their wishes. For example, if they’re trying really hard to stay active, join them on a walk a few times per week. Or, if they’re feeling bored, offer to volunteer at a local charity with them. It’s always helpful to have the support of a friend or loved one when trying something new or getting into a new routine. This is particularly true during retirement when your loved one may be feeling lonely and lacking the social life they enjoyed with their coworkers.