What to Say: When You're Not Sure About Your Friend's Partner
Help support a friend through relationship challenges.
Help support a friend through relationship challenges.
Help support a friend through their relationship challenges.
What we'll cover
Every couple, at some point, asks one another a basic question. Are we compatible? In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll discuss the intangible idea of romantic compatibility and the best ways to determine romantic compatibility with a partner. We’ll also go over what to say and what not to say to your loved one who may have grown apart from their partner.
What it is
Romantic compatibility comes in many forms. Defining what compatibility looks like for every relationship is an impossible task. Romantic partners can experience many types of compatibility and incompatibility in their relationships. A couple may align sexually, but differ spiritually. They may share intellectual conversations but be emotionally out of sync.
People frequently attempt to answer the question logically. Many couples discuss long-term goals, overall values and other important life questions during a relationship. But questions of compatibility are often answered unconsciously. A 2022 meta-analysis of 550 participants and 6,000+ speed daters determined mutual desirability during a first impression has a lingering effect across a relationship life. These split-second determinations have an outsized effect on our judgment of romantic partners.
But no study of compatibility has yet to account for the depth and breadth of a romantic relationship. People change within their partnerships. A 2021 study determined humans frequently exhibit pro-relationship biases which may inspire people to adjust their long-term goals and preferences to stay in relationships. The study concluded people will choose to stay in a relationship, rather than leave it, even if they are incompatible with their partner.
Measuring compatibility
It is hard to measure compatibility in a laboratory setting, as Dr. Margaret S. Clark, founder of the Clark Relationship Science Laboratory at Yale University, noted. A 2019 paper from the Clark Relationship Science Laboratory posits love, at its most basic form, is responsiveness.
As the 2019 study notes, “Each relationship member manifests love defined in this way by striving to understand, accept, and care for the other and in expecting and seeking the same from the other…” Perhaps, it isn’t ill-defined compatibility which determines love, but rather the everyday action and practice of caring.
When talking to your loved one about their potential relationship issues, it is important to tread lightly. Incompatibility is hard to define and your analysis of your loved one’s incompatibility with their partner may not feel true to them. Instead of focusing on what you think is wrong or making declarative statements, ask questions. It is better to focus on patterns of behavior you’ve witnessed in your loved one’s relationship with their partner, rather than claiming your loved one and their partner has some insurmountable compatibility issue.
What not to say
Relationships are difficult to discern from the outside. We’ll help you avoid saying the wrong thing when speaking about the potential romantic compatibility of your friend and their partner.
Everyone deserves a safe home and a healthy relationship. If you feel unsafe in your home or relationship, call the National Violence Domestic Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Help is available 24/7.
"Do you two have anything in common?"
Why it doesn't work: Statements like this come from a place of judgement. Rather than looking at all the differences between your loved one and their partner, try to see the similarities.
"What do you two talk about?"
Why it doesn't work: This may be a genuinely asked question. But the way it is phrased may come off as offensive. This phrasing may make your question be perceived as an insult.
"I don't see it."
Why it doesn't work: It isn’t your place to approve or disapprove of your friend’s relationship. If they are in a safe and healthy relationship, you do not need to understand what your loved one sees in their partner.
"You two don't have the same goals."
Why it doesn't work: As we noted above, people frequently change their goals—often unconsciously—to match those of their partner. If you’ve noticed your friend has changed their goals or interests to match their partner, it may be appropriate to bring that up. But the declarative way this concern is expressed may put your loved one on the defensive and, therefore, less likely to listen to your message.
"I couldn't date someone so different from me."
Why it doesn't work: When you feel you’re seeing something so clear (like your friend’s relationship incompatibility), it can be hard to soften your message. But sentences like this can read as snide and may prevent your friend from hearing the concern behind the phrasing.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that we’ve discussed what not to say, we’ll provide some conversation starters that allow you to express concern and avoid offense. These conversation starters focus on the specifics of what you’ve observed in your loved one’s relationship, allowing you to address your concerns rather than making statements about your loved one’s overall relationship.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“You told me you wanted to move to Sacramento/get a dog/have a child. Now, it seems like that’s changed. Can you tell me about that?”
Why it works: If you’ve noticed your loved one consciously or unconsciously changing their goals and long term plans to fit their new partner, it can be appropriate to bring it up. But, avoid being declarative. Come at the changes you’re seeing from a place of curiosity, rather than judgment. This kind of conversation starter prompts them to think about how they’ve changed in their relationship and leaves them to decide if that’s a good or bad thing.
“Every time we’ve talked recently, you’ve told me about a miscommunication with your partner. How do you feel about that? That seems hard.”
Why it works: Again, this kind of conversation starter is a question rather than a statement. You mention what you have noticed. Let your loved one tell you what that means to them and their relationship. If your friend is in a healthy relationship and is safe, it is best to tread lightly when talking about the person they are with.
How to recover
If you’ve said the wrong thing about someone’s partner, it can be hard to recover. Before you apologize, take time to reflect. Reflect on the positives of your friend’s relationship. Try to see your friend’s partner through their eyes rather than your own. Maybe they don’t share hobbies, but they are truly supportive of your loved one’s dreams. Perhaps they connect on their activities, even if they sometimes have difficulty talking about the big issues. Remind yourself that this isn’t your relationship. Trust your friend to know what is best for them.
Other suggestions
It can be hard to connect with a loved one’s partner. If you find you’ve been hearing more about your loved one’s partner than interacting with your loved one’s partner, you may want to schedule some time for you to hang out in a group. By spending time with your loved one and their partner, you’ll have a better understanding of their relationship. You’ll also be on your way towards developing a more comprehensive relationship with your loved one’s partner.