What to Say: Self-Esteem
How to help your loved one reframe negative thoughts
How to help your loved one reframe negative thoughts
How to help your loved one reframe negative thoughts.
What we'll cover
Self-esteem, or one’s sense of self worth, can impact relationships, overall health and other parts of a person’s life. In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll discuss the areas of life affected by self-esteem and how to help others raise their self-esteem. We’ll also discuss what to say and what not to say to those with low self-esteem.
What it is
Self-esteem can feel like a buzzword given its prevalence in self-help books, but it is a legitimate psychological concept. Although researchers define it differently, broadly speaking, self-esteem is the perception of oneself. This perception is formed by our own internal thoughts and the feedback we receive from the world around us. One of the earliest measurements of self-esteem was the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale, a ten-question test developed by Dr. Morris Rosenberg of the University of Maryland.
Those with low self-esteem typically have a poor conception of themselves, and those with high self-esteem have a positive conception of self. Anecdotally, most people understand that good self-esteem—the healthy midway point between self-hatred and narcissism—has a positive impact on one’s life. But where does this impact show up most?
In 2003, social psychologist and professor Roy F. Baumeister published his groundbreaking meta-analysis of 15,059 published pieces related to self-esteem. Baumeister concluded having high self-esteem impacted people most on two fronts: resilience and happiness. People who reported high self-esteem were happier than those who reported low self-esteem. They were also more willing to risk failure, take leaps and try new strategies.
Boosting Self-Esteem
Increasing self-esteem is something anyone can do. A 2020 meta-analysis of 119 self-esteem interventions in adults—meaning, attempts to boost self-esteem—concluded any intervention is a good one. Self-esteem can be boosted in a clinical setting, such as in session with a therapist or as part of group therapy. But, even without professional intervention, there are several things one can do to help others boost their self-esteem.
— Speak positively: No one can force another person into positive self-talk, but you can lead by example. Speak positively about yourself and your loved one with low self-esteem. By speaking kindly and earnestly to your loved one, you help reinforce their good qualities and may provide them with a more positive image of self.
— Distract them: If your loved one is feeling particularly low, a good strategy to get them out of their negative thought patterns may just be distraction. Invite them to do something fun. Engaging in an activity with another person will draw focus away from any negative self-talk.
— Don’t be afraid to fail: You can’t prevent someone from fearing failure, but you can model what bouncing back from failure looks like. Show your loved one your own resilience.
— Listen: A person with low self-esteem may not feel heard. Be sure to listen to them, rather than writing off their concerns.
— Challenge them: Approach your loved one’s insecurities with curiosity. When they speak badly about themselves, ask, “What makes you say that?” or “What do you mean?” These questions can interrupt a loved one’s thought process and encourage them to challenge the negative core beliefs which led them to have low self-esteem in the first place.
What not to say
When talking to your loved one with low self-esteem, it can be hard to know the balance to strike. In this section, we’ll let you know what not to say to your loved one with low self-esteem. We’ll help you avoid accidentally making your loved one feel worse while you are attempting to boost them up.
"Oh c’mon, that’s not true."
Why it doesn’t work: Your loved one’s low perception of self may not be true objectively, but it is true to them. This sort of language, while well-intentioned, feels dismissive. The person with low self-esteem may feel as if you are not listening to them or taking their concerns seriously. Approach the situation with curiosity, rather than dismissal.
"You think you’re bad? I’m really the worst."
Why it doesn't work: Don’t encourage your loved one’s low self-esteem by piling on with your own negative self-talk. Adding more negativity won’t raise your loved one’s self-esteem. Self-esteem is found by not comparing yourself to others. Instead of putting yourself down, boost up you and your loved one.
"You should have…"
Why it doesn't work: Your loved one with low self-esteem is likely already thinking of what they could have and should have done in a situation which caused them to feel poorly about themselves. But focusing on the past won’t help. Rather than reliving a negative moment together, help them focus on what they did correctly.
"You’re always doing this."
Why it doesn't work: Low self-esteem can lead people to make generalizations. Don’t reinforce this kind of black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking. By making statements which use these types of words (ie. never, always, all, none), you play into the negative thought patterns of your loved one. Encourage them to see the nuances of the situation.
"Eh, whatever. It’s not a big deal."
Why it doesn't work: The situation your loved one is describing may not seem like a big deal to you. But it is to your loved one. Don’t tell them how they should feel about a situation. Rather, listen to how they understood the situation, and go from there.
What to say
The best way to deal with a loved one with low self-esteem is to approach them with kindness and curiosity. Allow them to feel their feelings, but don’t let them get caught up in a cycle of self recriminations. These conversation starters should help.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I can see what you mean, but from what you’re describing, I think you did a lot of things right."
Why it works: This works because it does not dismiss what your loved one is saying. Rather, you listened to what they said and heard something different. By describing the positive aspects of their situation, you are helping them to reframe the event. You allow them to see it in a new light and perhaps consider a new way to view their strengths.
"Why do you see it that way? I don’t think of you like that. I think of you as someone who is…"
Why it works: This approach leads with curiosity. It also reframes what your loved one is saying. For example, if they are describing themselves in a negative way (“I’m always talking”), you are allowing them to see your perspective (“You’re a good conversationalist”). By expressing how you feel about your loved one, you are letting them see themself through your eyes. You are also prompting them to consider what led them to these negative thought patterns.
How to recover
If you dismissed your loved one’s concerns, the best way to avoid doing so in the future is to be prepared. It can be uncomfortable to listen to your loved one badmouth themself to you, and it makes sense that you’d want to move the conversation along. But, in the future, help them to reframe their thoughts. This is a way to stop any negative self-talk and also not come off as dismissive.
Other suggestions
If your loved one can’t stop speaking negatively about themself, it may be necessary to draw a firmer boundary. Tell them the truth. You love them and care about them. It makes you feel sad to hear them talk this way. Encourage them to engage in daily positive self-talk and healthy behaviors, like exercise or journaling.