What to Say: Separation
Support your loved one through the complex realities of this stage in a marriage
Support your loved one through this complex life period.
Support your loved one through this complex life period.
What we'll cover
Marriage is complicated. In 2019, there were more than 2 million marriages within the United States. Getting married confers legal and economic benefits for a couple. But marriages don’t always last forever, which can lead to divorce or separation. In this “What to Say” guide we’ll discuss the implications, legal ramifications and realities of separation. We’ll also tell you what to say and not say to your loved one who is obtaining a separation.
What it is
Separation in a marriage—making the choice to live apart from your spouse—is both an action and, if desired, a legal state. Couples separate for all sorts of reasons, and separation may or may not lead to divorce. If undertaking a legal separation, it may come with legal terms similar to divorce. However, it is its own legal state and, according to many states’ laws, not a precursor to divorce. One can be legally separated without obtaining a divorce, and one can obtain a divorce without legal separation.
To legally separate (rather than informally separate), couples need to petition the courts, much as they would in a divorce. According to wedding publication Brides, only Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, Pennsylvania and Texas do not recognize legal separation. In all other states, couples may legally separate. Couples may choose to separate, rather than divorce, due to religious concerns or to keep one spouse on another’s employer-sponsored health insurance.
According to a 2002 study, 84% of all separated women will transition into divorce within three years and 91% will transition to divorce within five years. This is especially true for white women, 97% of whom transition from separation to divorce within five years. This is lower for Hispanic women (77%) and Black women (67%) within the same period. Interestingly, the same study reports that women from the northeast are less likely to transition to divorce than those from the Midwest. And across the board, women of lower income levels and those with less education are less likely to transition to divorce, which may have something to do with the associated costs.
The impact of separation
Separation is less frequently studied than marriage or divorce, but many of the reasons behind a separation match the reasons behind divorce. According to a 2012 study, divorced couples, when asked to self-report on the reasons for their divorce, reported growing apart (55%) and being unable to talk to one another (53%) as the top reasons for their split. Women, who in study after study, report less marital satisfaction are more likely to initiate divorce and have been since the 1940s.
Separation is a complicated subject. According to a 1996 study, nearly half of separated women attempt reconciliation. Although reconciliation is rare, a separating couple may be hopeful to be part of the minority that reunites. Separation is a subject as serious as divorce, but more open-ended. Keep this in mind as you speak with your friend about their marital state.
What not to say
Talking about a friend’s romantic relationship always requires a deft hand. What you say about someone else’s romantic relationship can affect your friendship with someone. Here is a short list of things to avoid saying.
“Good. I never liked them anyway.”
Why it doesn't work: Many separating couples hope to reconcile. Now is not the time to trash your friend’s partner. And, it may never be the time. Follow your friend’s lead in how they talk about their romantic partner. Sharing everything you feel could cause bad blood down the line.
“I’m so sorry your relationship is over.”
Why it doesn't work: Don’t jump the gun. Even if the majority of separations transition to divorce, your friend’s may not be one of them. Don’t make assumptions about your loved one’s marital status. You don’t need to ascribe labels to your loved one’s situation outside of those they have given you.
“Oh no. What are you going to do now? Can you afford the apartment on your own?”
Why it doesn't work: Money is a sensitive situation. And your loved one’s financial situation will likely change, positively or negatively, due to their separation. But it is likely best to let your friend take the lead when talking about their own financial situation.
“Oh, I’m so sorry. I always loved Ted.”
Why it doesn't work: Speaking negatively about a loved one’s partner is never a good idea. And positive words are usually encouraged. But your loved one may be feeling particularly sensitive about their partner. They may not want to talk about them, positively or negatively. Don’t make your loved one’s partner the focus of your conversation.
“I knew you two were having trouble.”
Why it doesn't work: Although the writing may have been on the wall, now is not the time to bring it up. It makes sense that you would bring it up. You’ve been paying attention to your loved one's life, which is good. But, in the immediate wake of finding out about a separation, a sentence like this may come off as an “I told you so.”
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Separation can be a rest stop or a destination. Thankfully, with these conversation starters, you’ll allow your loved one to move at their own pace. By starting with open-ended questions and a non-judgemental demeanor, you let your loved one know you are someone they can trust.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“That sounds so hard. How are you feeling about it?”
Why it works: It never hurts to ask how someone is feeling. You acknowledge that the situation must be difficult—it is a very large life change. But you also are asking them how they are feeling. You aren’t ascribing a feeling to them (“You must be sad/angry/tired”). You are allowing them to tell you how they feel, in all its potential complexity.
“That’s difficult. I’m sorry that you’re going through that. Is there anything I can do?”
Why it works: Like the example above, this offers an acknowledgement of the enormity of the situation. You offer condolences on what your loved one is dealing with, rather than making it about their specific relationship. You aren’t giving expectations about their relationship status. You are simply expressing that you feel for the hardship your loved one is facing.
How to recover
If you've made a wrong move, it is best to take a step back. If you’ve spoken badly about your loved one’s partner, for example, it may not be the time to apologize. See how your loved one is feeling about their partner. The best apology for saying the wrong thing is to make sure it is the first and last time you do that.
The same goes for if you’ve made an assumption about your friend’s relationship status. They are likely facing a lot of intrusive questions, and yours may be lost in the fray. It is best to avoid repeating the behavior in the future.
Other suggestions
As with many life crises, your loved one may need an item taken off their to-do list. If you know they are looking for a divorce lawyer and you have a recommendation, offer it. If they need someone to pick up their child from daycare so they can attend couple’s counseling, be the one who offers a ride. If your loved one seems overwhelmed, offer them a few choices of things you’ve noticed you could pick up.
Finally, a marriage rift like this is a large event in one’s life. It may cause grief, anger and a range of complex emotions for your loved one. If you can, be a consistent presence in their life during this time.