What to Say: Sexism
Learn how to validate those experiencing this global problem.
Learn how to validate those experiencing this global problem.
Renee Harleston
Reviewer URLLearn how to validate those experiencing this global problem.
What we’ll cover
Sexism is discrimination based on one’s gender and touches almost every aspect of one’s life. It is present at school, at work and at home. In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll discuss the realities of sexism and its wide-ranging effects. We’ll also discuss what to say and what not to say when someone in your life is experiencing sexism.
What it is
Sexism is a global issue with far-reaching consequences, and the United States is not immune to these kinds of gendered disparities. The highest office in the U.S.—the presidency—has never been held by a woman. As of 2022, only 27.3% of Congressional seats are held by women, the highest number of women to hold Congressional seats to date.
As the U.S. Government Accountability Office reports, sexism against women, girls, and femme-presenting people exists in almost every facet of society. The gender pay gap, for example, means women routinely take home less pay than their male counterparts for the same work position. They are more likely to live in poverty than men, and they’re also more likely to be victims of sexual violence than men.
Sexism in the healthcare world can cause numerous problems, including death. A study of Florida emergency rooms conducted from 1991 to 2010 showed women, not men, who came to the ER with symptoms of a heart attack were more likely to die under a doctor’s care. This sexism is even more prominent for Black women, who are, for example, three times more likely to die during childbirth than their white counterparts.
Even the smallest aspects of everyday life are affected by sexism. Similar products frequently have a discriminatory price differential known as the “pink tax.” A 2015 study from the New York City Department of Consumer Affairs found women, on average, pay 7% more than men for similar products.
Gendered expectations
The societal expectations of gender and childhood are reinforced early and often. Children often receive different toys and with different societal messaging, with toys marketed toward girls focused on caregiving and domestic tasks, and toys marketed toward boys focused on science and engineering.
Children are easily able to parse and mimic sexist ideas. Lisa Selin Davis, the author of Tomboy, a book about gendered messaging in childhood, told the New York Times that by age three, children try to emulate the societal expectations they’ve learned for their gender through things like choosing toys.
The impact of sexism
Sexist attitudes hurt everyone. A meta-analysis of studies about masculine conformity determined those who try hardest to adhere to society’s ideas of ideal masculinity have poorer mental health. They are also less likely to seek psychological assistance. The ideas of masculinity most closely related to sexist attitudes (ie, the idea of being a playboy and the focus on having power over women) were also most closely associated with negative mental health consequences.
Sexism is a large and almost all-encompassing issue. It impacts everyone, regardless of their gender presentation. When dealing with sexism, it is vital to recognize its validity and acknowledge the scope of the problem. Due to societal messaging, everyone is likely to carry more than one sexist belief. It is important to identify those beliefs.
When your loved one is experiencing sexism, support them. Let them know you are there for them. Focus on the specific situation. Listen attentively. If you find yourself doubting your loved one, consider those doubts by yourself before raising them. Be there for them as you would be during any other struggle or challenge. Support them in all the ways you would for any other negative experience they were having.
What not to say
It can be easy to want to separate interpersonal conflicts from systemic issues, but the two are frequently related. Here, we’ll help you avoid diminishing, dismissing or otherwise ignoring what your loved one is telling you about their experiences with sexism.
“[They] can’t be sexist! They’re a woman/have daughters.”
Why it doesn’t work: Anyone can carry sexist beliefs. We internalize the messages society gives us, whether or not we acknowledge it consciously. There is no single face for sexism. And someone does not have to always be sexist to occasionally exhibit or act upon sexist beliefs.
“I’m sure you’re misinterpreting the situation.”
Why it doesn't work: The experiences of people who identify as women are frequently dismissed. They are often seen as unreliable narrators of their own lives due to a deep-seated and long-standing history of downplaying, ignoring or rejecting their experiences. Their diminished social, political and financial power is seen in how we evaluate their perspectives. (According to Northwell Health, in emergency rooms, women with severe stomach pain have to wait 33% longer in the ER than men with the same symptoms.) It is important to accept your loved one’s concerns.
“That’s not sexism! Real sexism is…”
Why it doesn't work: Sexism, like most other things, exists on a spectrum. Gendered language (calling someone “sweetheart” in a professional setting, for example) is on one end of the spectrum, whereas violent action is on the other. That does not mean one is the result of sexism and one is not. Respect and recognize your loved one’s lived experience.
“In my day, things were so much worse.”
Why it doesn't work: Gender equality is always shifting. It is not a straight line from worse to better. One longitudinal study on bill placement in restaurants (i.e., servers giving the bill to men or women) indicated men were more likely to receive the bill in the 2010s than the 1970s, even if a woman asked for it. Sexism is not a zero-sum game and sexist attitudes exist no matter the time period.
“Men have struggles too!”
Why it doesn't work: Sexism impacts everyone, no matter one’s gender. However, if your loved one is telling you a personal story of their own dealings with sexism, focus on that. This isn’t the time for a debate.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Sexism is a systemic issue, meaning it permeates the fabric of society. It can be hard to grapple with the scope of the issue. We’ll help you focus on the reality of your loved one’s experience.
Note:These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
“I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. That’s really hard. Is there anything I can do to help?”
Why it doesn’t work: Sexism is a huge, global issue. But if your loved one is speaking about a specific situation, focus on that. Validate the hurt they may be feeling. Ask if there’s anything you can do to assist. If there isn’t, be there as an ear to listen. You don't need to deal with sexism as a global issue at this moment. You can be there to listen and recognize the struggle your loved one is facing.
“I’m so sorry. I’ve dealt with similar situations. I know how hard it can be.”
Why it doesn't work: This keeps the focus on your loved one, while also allowing a space for commiseration. During situations such as these, it can oftentimes help to know you’re not alone. This conversation starter doesn’t pull focus (you’re not launching into your own woes) but does let your loved one know you can identify on a personal level.
How to recover
If you’ve ignored or otherwise dismissed your loved one’s dealings with sexism, rather than immediately apologizing, it may be good to take some time to reflect on your own biases. How do you see gender? How do you understand gender and its place in the world? What messages did you internalize as a child about how gender impacts the rest of your life? By grappling with these questions, you can better understand your own relationship to sexist ideas.
It is hard to acknowledge the ways in which we’ve internalized ideas. People unconsciously carry around ideas they may not consciously agree with. Acknowledging this is hard, but important work, to do.
Once you’ve done this, apologize to your loved one, sincerely and unreservedly. If you’re still worried you’ll say the wrong thing, be honest about that fear. Find other ways to support your loved one as you learn to navigate this issue verbally. For example, if your loved one is experiencing sexism at work, see what domestic tasks you can do around the house to give them extra time to decompress from a particularly stressful day. Offer to make them a meal or run an errand for them.
Other suggestions
Consider the ways you support or combat sexism in your own life. If you hear sexist ideas from others, you can disrupt it by simply asking a question. If someone offers a sexist joke, for example, you could say, “I’m sorry. I don't get it. Can you explain the joke?”
In the workplace, you can note how work breaks down along gendered lines. For example, women are often asked to take notes in work meetings or engage in other care-related tasks. If you aren't a woman, consider volunteering for that work. If a woman’s idea is misattributed, correct the assumption.
There are many non-confrontational ways to challenge sexism in everyday life. Only by taking action when you see it, can you create a less sexist environment.