What to Say: Sexual Assault
Offer support to your loved one experiencing the complicated trauma of a sexual assault.
Offer support to your loved one experiencing this complicated trauma.
Nathaniel Glanzman
Reviewer URLOffer support to your loved one experiencing this complicated trauma.
What we'll cover
Sexual assault is a tragically common experience for a large number of Americans. It is likely you or someone you know has been a victim of a sexual assault.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll cover the realities and short-term and longterm effects of sexual assault. We'll also cover what to say to a loved one who has disclosed an assault to you and what to avoid saying.
What it is
According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), someone in the United States is a victim of sexual assault every 68 seconds. People of all genders are sexually assaulted, but women are more likely to be victims of an attempted or completed sexual assault. One in every six American women has been a victim of an attempted or completed rape. One in 33 American men have also been a victim of an attempted or completed rape. Eight of every 10 rapes is committed by someone the victim knows.
As defined by RAINN, sexual assault is any sexual contact or behavior committed without consent. Consent is the differentiator between sexual activity and sexual assault. Sexual assault does not require force. Perpetrators of sexual assault may use non-physical coercion, manipulation or other methods to commit their crime. Children—those under the age of consent—and people asleep, unconscious, or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol cannot consent. Consent is obtained via ongoing communication during every step of a sexual encounter.
The aftermath of assault
Sexual assault is correlated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Victims of sexual assault may experience a wide range of post-trauma symptoms, including anxiety, depression and substance abuse issues.
Survivors of sexual assault are at greater risk of developing chronic health issues and contracting sexually transmitted diseases. One study showed women who experienced sexual violence were more likely to develop high blood pressure in the seven years after the incident.
Victims of sexual violence may experience various sexual issues in the wake of an assault, including sexual dysfunction and a decrease in sexual satisfaction. Some survivors may engage in riskier sexual behaviors. The path for recovering from trauma like sexual assault can be ongoing.
Given the relationship between sexual assault and PTSD, survivors may experience an “anniversary reaction.” An anniversary reaction is increased distress which occurs around the anniversary of a trauma. This can take the form of depression, anxiety, guilt, or the reappearance of old memories related to the trauma.
Cultural responses
As the #MeToo movement demonstrated, victims of sexual violence are often dismissed. Feminist scholars call this "rape culture." Rape culture is a collection of behaviors, mass media products and laws which encourage dismissing victims of sexual violence. Rape culture creates an environment that trivializes sexual assault. In rape culture, a rape must fit within specific parameters to be considered credible.
These cultural factors have an impact on those who experience sexual violence. As one study showed, only 18% of adult female victims of sexual assault reported the assault to police. The women surveyed held back from reporting due to guilt and embarrassment brought on by cultural factors. Sexual assault survivors may report their assault (to the police or to those in their life) long after the event itself.
What not to say
We're exposed from a young age to incorrect ideas around sexual assault. These ideas may make us unsympathetic to victims of this common but awful crime. The following are things that one should not say to a person who has disclosed a sexual trauma.
"Are you sure that's what happened?"
Why it doesn't work: Statistically, people are assaulted by those known to them. If you know the victim, you may also know the perpetrator. Start from a place of belief. It took a lot for your friend to come forward about an assault. Be a safe harbor for the person you love.
"Maybe you misunderstood."
Why it doesn't work: Like the example above, responses like this start from a place of disbelief. Don't force your friend into the position of convincing you that they experienced a trauma. Believe them, and address the situation from there.
"Well, are you going to the police?"
Why it doesn't work: Many victims do not report to the police for a variety of reasons. The Los Angeles Times reports police often misuse evidence, and the New York Times reported that police often fail to process the evidence they do receive. Many victims find dealing with law enforcement retriggering. Some may not believe in a carceral solution to what happened to them. An assault can occur, even if law enforcement is never involved.
"I cannot believe this happened! I'm going to tell everyone."
Why it doesn't work: This is not your story to tell. Although you may be angered on behalf of your friend, this is not the time for your feelings to take hold of the conversation. Let your friend process with you, rather than jumping to your feelings. Also, unless your friend has indicated that they want others to know, do not share a story of someone else's assault.
"Give me their name. I'll go beat them up."
Why it doesn't work: Like the example above, this prioritizes your feelings on the assault over that of your friend. Allow their feelings to take center stage.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
Why it doesn't work: If your friend is telling you of an assault in the distant past, they likely had a reason to not tell you until now. Put your feelings aside and listen. It can be hard to come forward about sexual assault. Disclosure of an assault may not exist on a perfect timeline.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
It can be hard to know what to say to someone who has been sexually assaulted. Every assault is different, and every survivor will want to deal with it on their own terms. Keep the conversation open, allow them to lead and don't make assumptions.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?"
Why it works: This works because it prioritizes the needs of the victim. By saying "I'm sorry," you immediately establish that you believe the victim. You make no assumptions about your friend's wants and needs in the aftermath of a trauma.
"I believe you. This was not your fault. Please let me know if there's anything you need."
Why it works: Like the example above, this starts from a place of belief. You are not casting doubt on your friend's story. Many sexual assault victims blame themselves, too. With this statement, you are assuring your loved one that they are not to blame. You believe them and are making that explicit. In the next sentence, you make room for your friend to detail what they may need from you.
How to recover
If you have said the wrong thing about a friend's sexual assault, think hard and long about how your response fits into your overall view of sexual assault. Do work on your own time to reflect on how cultural factors may have impacted your response. When you feel that you have done that work, then apologize.
There is no point in apologizing for something if you are going to do it again. If you have not grappled with your own feelings around sexual violence, there is a chance that you may hurt your friend again. Spend some time in thought so in the future you do not minimize, reject or otherwise deny your friend's trauma.
Other suggestions
Recovering physically, psychologically and emotionally from sexual trauma may be a long process. In the immediate aftermath, helping your friend through any comorbid conditions (like anxiety or depression) may be the best thing to do. Consider making them a meal, helping them clean their apartment or doing other practical tasks for them.
In the longer term, anniversaries of the assault and periods of cultural conversation around assault may be triggering for your friend. Check in on your loved one during these moments.