What to Say: Sexual Harassment
Support your loved one through this complicated issue.
Support your loved one through this complicated issue.
Renee Harleston
Reviewer URLSupport your loved one through this complicated issue.
What we'll cover
According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, 81% of women and 43% of men report experiencing some form of sexual harassment and/or assault in their lifetimes. However, sexual assault may occur across any and all gender identities and expressions. This common and upsetting experience is found in workplaces and schools throughout the United States.
In this “What to Say” guide we’ll cover the definition of sexual harassment, the legal realities and mental impact of it and how to report sexual harassment. We’ll also tell you what to say and what to avoid saying when speaking with a friend who is experiencing sexual harassment.
What it is
Sexual harassment is a form of abuse that occurs in a workplace or learning environment. According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), sexual harassment can take the form of unwanted advances, requests for sexual favors or other verbal or physical harassment. As RAINN notes, however, harassment doesn’t simply have to be sexual to be considered sexual harassment (think derogatory comments about women as a gender, for example). Offensive behavior in the work or learning environment reaches the level of harassment when it is consistent, continued or severe.
Not everyone is protected from sexual harassment under current U.S. federal law. And, even for those legally protected, harassment can occur and still not meet the standards of a claim. Widely, sexual harassment is illegal in workplaces and educational environments in the U.S. as sexual harassment constitutes sex-based discrimination, which violates the Civil Rights Act of 1964. But, on an individual basis, there are many people not legally protected by this, including independent contractors and self-employed individuals. The law also does not protect employees who are in a workplace with less than 15 workers. This means many domestic and farm workers are not legally eligible for federal sexual harassment protections, for example.
However, these laws differ from state-to-state. BetterBrave, a non-profit focused on sexual harassment, has a great tool for identifying state-by-state anti-discrimination laws related to sexual harassment.
Sexual harassment statistics
Sexual harassment is incredibly common, with more than 27,000 claims filed with the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) between 2018 and 2021. And that doesn’t capture the true problem of sexual harassment. As a study cited by the EEOC reports, 90% of individuals who experienced harassment never filed a formal complaint.
And the problems with sexual harassment extend outside of work or educational contexts. A longitudinal study correlated a history of harassment with depression symptoms in later life. And a 2019 study indicated higher odds of hypertension in women who had a history of being sexually harassed. Scientists have just begun to research the effects of sexual harassment on longterm mental and physical well-being. But early research indicates it has many of the same ripple effects as other stressors.
How to intervene
For those legally protected, the National Partnership for Women & Families, a non-profit policy organization, has put together a list of steps to take. If you have a loved one being sexually harassed, this information may help guide them through the reporting process.
If you witness an act of sexual harassment, there are many ways to intervene:
— Confront the harasser: If you feel comfortable doing so, you can confront the harasser directly, telling them their behavior towards others is inappropriate.
— Pull attention away from the harasser: If you do not feel comfortable directly talking to the person harassing, you can always interrupt the harassment. Redirect the harasser with a new conversation or other innocuous interruption.
— Report to a trusted source: If you see harassment happening, you can talk to HR or a trusted person to let them know what is going on.
What not to say
Now that you know the ins-and-outs of sexual harassment in the United States, we’ll discuss the things not to say while trying to support a loved one being harassed.
“Are you sure that’s what they meant? Could you be misinterpreting?”
Why it doesn't work: It is important to support your loved one. Making a claim of sexual harassment can come at great personal and professional cost. There will be many people asking your loved one these same questions. Don’t be another negative voice in the choir.
“Oh yeah. I mean, I’ve definitely heard worse. I’d just let it go.”
Why it doesn't work: Everyone’s comfort levels differ. You may have willingly and silently worked in abusive environments before, but your loved one may not feel the same way. Allow them to choose where their comfort level is, and support them in that. Don’t push them to sweep this under the rug, if that’s not what they want to do.
"YOU got sexually harassed? But you’re so tall/strong/old/a man!"
Why it doesn't work: Individuals, of all ages and genders, experience sexual harassment. There is no one face for sexual harassment. Trust what your loved one is saying to you. Anyone can be a victim of sexual harassment.
"HR will take care of it. I wouldn’t drag a lawyer into this."
Why it doesn't work: HR has many roles in a company, and one of those is making sure a company doesn’t face legal liability. As a result, an HR person, however well-intentioned, may end up hindering your loved ones’ legal possibilities with regards to their discrimination claim. Don’t push your loved one to disregard other possible resources outside of their work or educational institution.
"You must/can't file a claim with the EEOC!"
Why it doesn't work: You don’t want to push your loved one in any direction. If your loved one asks for advice on next steps, it is fine to offer it. But don’t decide the way they should deal with their harassment. Let them decide if they want to get others involved. Be there for them emotionally, and be there to support them, but don’t try to make decisions for them.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that we’ve gone over things to avoid saying, we’ll discuss things to say as you help your loved one through this trying time.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I’m so sorry that happened. Do you want to talk about it?"
Why it works: This conversation starter acknowledges the pain of what they are going through. It also offers them the chance to speak to you about it. But it also offers the possibility that they don’t. This non-judgmental opener allows your loved one to lead the conversation.
"I’m so sorry that happened. Is there anything I can do to help?"
Why it works: Like the conversation starter above, this one offers sympathy to your loved one. It also provides a more action-oriented follow up. You are letting your loved one know you are a resource and are more than willing to help them tackle this complicated situation.
How to recover
Sexual harassment is common, and it makes sense that this commonness would influence our feelings. But if you’ve said the wrong thing to your loved one, now is the time to reflect on your own relationship with sexual harassment. Did you work in an abusive environment yourself? Did you normalize inappropriate behavior to yourself to get through a difficult time? There are many understandable (if painful) reasons you may have dismissed your loved one when they told you they were sexually harassed.
Now is the time to apologize. After you’ve reflected on the why of what you did, approach your loved one and resolve to do better.
Other suggestions
If your loved one chooses to file an EEOC claim or pursue the matter, you can help them out by documenting your interactions. In the same way your loved one is documenting their interactions with their harasser and other people at their institution, you can document your interactions with them. Make note of when they told you things about the harassment. If the issue becomes a legal one, this robust documentation may assist them in court.