What to Say: Sobriety Anniversary
How to support a loved one who has reached a sobriety milestone.
How to support a loved one who has reached a sobriety milestone.
Kashinda Carter
Reviewer URLHow to support a loved one who has reached a sobriety milestone.
What we'll cover
Reaching a sobriety anniversary is a significant achievement for a person in recovery. Encouragement from loved ones is incredibly important for someone working to become and remain sober, and neither the sober individual nor the supporting person should feel uncomfortable when acknowledging and celebrating a sobriety milestone.
In this “What to Say” guide, we’ll unpack the magnitude of reaching a sobriety anniversary for a person in recovery and how to best acknowledge the achievement. We’ll also tell you what you should avoid saying to someone on their sobriety anniversary so you can celebrate their accomplishment in the most uplifting way possible.
What it is
A sobriety anniversary marks a measurable time period in which a person has abstained from using alcohol and/or drugs. While anniversaries are usually thought of as annual events, sobriety anniversaries are often celebrated by the week, month, and six-month markers, especially early on in the recovery process.
A 2014 study found that 40% to 60% of people who received treatment for substance abuse disorders relapsed in the first year of recovery, so every milestone, big and small, should be celebrated during the first year. Once a person in recovery has reached one year of being sober, sobriety anniversaries are then most commonly celebrated on an annual basis.
Why celebrating is important
Staying sober is a daily task for people in recovery, no matter how long they’ve been sober. It’s a lifelong journey that requires an individual to resist temptation every day. Because of the constant challenge individuals recovering face, encouragement from loved ones is vital. Celebrating sobriety anniversaries on a regular basis helps those in recovery recognize the progress they’ve made and how much their life has improved since becoming sober while encouraging them to stay committed to the journey.
What not to say
The journey toward sobriety is difficult in itself, and certain questions can make a person in recovery feel judged, unworthy and uncomfortable. These feelings can trigger them to give into substance abuse cravings, so it’s vital to speak with love and encouragement rather than curiosity and callousness. The following are examples of things to avoid saying to your loved one in recovery.
"How long have you been clean?"
Why it doesn't work: Using “clean” as a synonym for “sober” implies the recovering individual is or was dirty when they were experiencing substance abuse. Addiction is a disease, not a state of dirtiness.
"Have you relapsed?"
Why it doesn't work: It’s very common for people in recovery to relapse on their journey to sobriety, especially in the first year. Relapses can cause feelings of shame, embarrassment and regret, all of which can convince a recovering individual to give up the fight to stay sober. Rather than focusing on the possibility of relapsing or actual relapses, focus on your loved one’s commitment to sobriety and determination to live a healthier and happier life.
"So we can never drink/get high together again?"
Why it doesn't work: The recovering individual in your life is facing a huge challenge in simply getting and staying sober — making them feel guilty or sad they can’t drink or get high with friends and family anymore makes recovery that much more difficult. Dwelling on no longer being able to use alcohol and recreational drugs as social activities may demotivate your loved one in their endeavor to get sober and tempt them to continue misusing substances.
"Can I still drink/get high around you?"
Why it doesn't work: Instead of focusing on your loved one’s needs in a very difficult time of their life, you’re putting your desires at the forefront. Don’t make them feel like their sobriety is a burden on others. Supporting them in their sobriety journey is of utmost importance, and refraining from consuming substances around them can be vital to helping them stay focused on the goal of getting and staying sober.
"I know someone else in recovery."
Why it doesn't work: A 2006 study found social comparison has “negative implications for personal well-being as well as for interpersonal and intergroup relations.” Each person’s experience is unique and presents challenges personal to their own life. Avoid comparing your loved one in recovery to another individual on a sobriety journey.
Nothing.
Why it doesn't work: Finding the right words can be difficult for anyone, but that doesn't mean you should neglect to say anything to your friend or loved one. During especially difficult situations, your loved one will appreciate any kind or reflective words you can offer during their time of need. Saying something—with intention and thoughtfulness—is better than saying nothing.
Instead of avoiding a conversation in a fraught moment, try a phrase like, "I can't begin to know what you are going through, but I am here for you." If the moment is more lighthearted or celebratory, a simple, "I am so happy for you right now!" goes a long way.
What to say
Now that we’ve covered the sensitive nature of getting sober, here are a few suggestions for starting an uplifting, positive conversation on a person’s sobriety anniversary.
Note: These conversation starters are just suggestions. Each individual’s experience will vary and users should measure their words based on what they know and do not know about their loved one.
"I'm so proud of you."
Why it works: Recognizing your loved one’s commitment to leading a happier and healthier life is great motivation for them to see the journey through. Knowing that people in their life are proud of their progress can make them realize they’re proud of themselves as well, which serves as further motivation to stay sober.
"I admire your strength and determination."
Why it works: Telling your recovering loved one you’re proud of them is one thing, but explicitly praising them for their strength and determination can help them feel worthy of leading a healthy and fulfilling life. They may have felt shame for their substance misuse prior to getting sober, so hearing friends and family convey admiration is an encouraging indicator of how far they’ve come. This can motivate them to continue achieving goals they may not have previously felt they could reach.
"You deserve to be happy and healthy."
Why it works: People battling addiction often feel unworthy of a happy and healthy life. Deep-seated feelings of shame and suffering can be significant hurdles for a person in recovery to overcome, so hearing from loved ones that they deserve happiness and good health can act as the affirmation they need to believe it themselves.
How to recover
It’s not uncommon to say the wrong thing when talking about sensitive subjects, including a loved one’s sobriety. If you find say something that makes your loved one uncomfortable, focus on apologizing. Also, take time to read literature or websites on discussing substance use. Consider reading our “How to Be a Better Listener” guide for additional guidance.
Other suggestions
Many people battling addiction become estranged from friends and family, so spending quality time with a loved one in recovery is a fantastic way to show them you acknowledge and appreciate their commitment to bettering their life and health. Consider treating them to a meal at a restaurant, going on a hike, having a game night or any other activities they enjoy that show you’re happy to have them present in your life.